I'm on week two of the body transformation and it has been good and very hard. Although I'm only on week two, each week brings about something new and the slow changes have to be made. Last week I begin amping up my workouts and paying very close to my nutrition, which is the most important part for me. I should start by saying that I love food...food has always been there for me whenever I've needed it. I was once 250 lbs and now I'm l95 lbs. This change has happened over a course of 2 1/2 years. Some lose weight quicker than others and I've gotten down to 160..but that was because I was a vegetarian and running like crazy. I never want to be that size again.
My goal is to be the lean and fit! I've been bulking up for the last two months and now I'm starting to lean myself up for the coming spring and summer. I've got all winter to work on myself, but it's not easy and I've had a few setbacks, but for the past two weeks I've been really good to myself. I've had some peer pressure moments but I haven't let them effect me too much and that's good too. I've intensified my workout and I've been working hard to make each gym session really count. I've learned this week alone that when I'm full I don't have to finish my plate, and too pay attention to when I'm really hungry or just bored. I find that when I'm home alone like this I get really bored and I want to eat, but I'm not really hungry. I've been killing my craving by eating peanut butter before I go to sleep and drinking lots of water. That early morning piss is one long piss! I've cut back my social activities a lot, and the other evening that came to a head when I friend told me I was "shady" because I don't show up to event anymore. A lot of my not attending has to do with work, studying, gym, and dating. I'm trying to change my habits and it's hard because there are times when I want to be out with the crowd and around friends, but I don't want to be drunk, or overly tired the next day, and it's not good for what I'm trying to achieve with myself. I don't like being called "shady" but I understand that when you're trying to do better sometimes it takes other people to get use to what you're doing.
Another reason I'm amping up my workouts is because my Brother is fighting his battle with cancer and it's knocked my workouts up more because I want to be the best that I can be for him too.
I'm more motivated than I've ever been before and I plan to keep it up. I stood in the mirror tonight to see if I could see some changes and I see some small things happening. I'm praying to stay strong in this effort, and keep the momentum up.
I'm making my way uphill...I will be victorious.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Analyze the mistakes you’ve made in your life....
Wow,
It's been ages since I've had the time to post anything on here. I took a much needed break from blogging to get my shit together. Look at God! Sometime life calls for you to take a break and exam what's really going on in your life. I guess my last post was sometime in July I believe and after that I just stopped. The key thing that I failed to realize with me is that writing is essential to me. I don't want to get trapped into having to write weekly or feel like I have to put something out there for the people when this is really for me. I need to be able to write when it's time to write and this is one of those times.
I guess I'll start with saying this summer was really where change and growth for me happened. I hate the winters here in NYC, I feel like it brings on some type of depression and it magnifies that for people who already have depression. To catch myself up about what I've talked about before in previous blogs at the beginning of the year...I ended a relationship with someone so that I could begin to focus solely on myself. There was a lot of back and forth with that, but I think that comes with every ending as you start a new beginning. Spring rolled around I dropped my weight so I could begin to build muscle. I also tried to befriend and ex, which come June after an event and being devastated I decided to end contact with him and also end contact with all my exe's, whether it was to stop talking to them blank point period, or not interact with them on social media. Time will mend itself. I think what I realized at that point that night I was standing on a roof top in Harlem and looking over at New Jersey, that I had really lost a sense of who I was because I had become so soft and nice to people, never really standing up for myself. It was that very night that I felt growth and change begin to happen for me.
I picked myself up on my own and began to work on my own and at my own pace. I think it takes being shattered to see where you need to start over with yourself. I know now that in life you're going to fall down tons of times, but you sure as hell have to pick yourself up again and keep going. Life doesn't stop after disappointment. I started saving money to put my own self through school without the assistance of my parents and family, simply because it makes me put more effort into my studies and holds me more accountable because it's my money at hand. Getting certified to be a personal trainer and I'm going to be studying nutrition. It's so crazy the road life takes us. Because I want to better my body image it has made me very passionate about health and fitness.
Somebody this year told me that I could not change. Now I laugh because they are so very wrong. A long time ago i learned to not let word hurt me, and to pay attention to what people say when they are angry. Those words alone made me more powerful than I had expected.
With growth and change you also begin to let go of stuff that you feel is bringing you down a bit. At my day job I took a position that I thought would be good for me through the course of taking on the position I learned that this isn't what I want to be doing here, because it doesn't make me happy, and I realized that for me personally that I'm not there for that, and I don't want to move up in place where don't want to make that my career and I also don't want to mislead anyone and not train them right. I chose not to re-apply for the position and with that it's giving me more time to focus on my outside work like, studying and prepping for the occasional audition, and hanging out with different people and crowds.
I look back at this year so far and realized I'm on the right path. It's not easy, but I can smile a lot more then I ever did. I don't have to validate myself to anyone anymore and I can take my past mistakes and learn from them instead of letting them get the best of me. I'm still on this journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me. We are always growing, we are always changing, but this time I'm doing it for the right reason..and that reason is for me.
It's been ages since I've had the time to post anything on here. I took a much needed break from blogging to get my shit together. Look at God! Sometime life calls for you to take a break and exam what's really going on in your life. I guess my last post was sometime in July I believe and after that I just stopped. The key thing that I failed to realize with me is that writing is essential to me. I don't want to get trapped into having to write weekly or feel like I have to put something out there for the people when this is really for me. I need to be able to write when it's time to write and this is one of those times.
I guess I'll start with saying this summer was really where change and growth for me happened. I hate the winters here in NYC, I feel like it brings on some type of depression and it magnifies that for people who already have depression. To catch myself up about what I've talked about before in previous blogs at the beginning of the year...I ended a relationship with someone so that I could begin to focus solely on myself. There was a lot of back and forth with that, but I think that comes with every ending as you start a new beginning. Spring rolled around I dropped my weight so I could begin to build muscle. I also tried to befriend and ex, which come June after an event and being devastated I decided to end contact with him and also end contact with all my exe's, whether it was to stop talking to them blank point period, or not interact with them on social media. Time will mend itself. I think what I realized at that point that night I was standing on a roof top in Harlem and looking over at New Jersey, that I had really lost a sense of who I was because I had become so soft and nice to people, never really standing up for myself. It was that very night that I felt growth and change begin to happen for me.
I picked myself up on my own and began to work on my own and at my own pace. I think it takes being shattered to see where you need to start over with yourself. I know now that in life you're going to fall down tons of times, but you sure as hell have to pick yourself up again and keep going. Life doesn't stop after disappointment. I started saving money to put my own self through school without the assistance of my parents and family, simply because it makes me put more effort into my studies and holds me more accountable because it's my money at hand. Getting certified to be a personal trainer and I'm going to be studying nutrition. It's so crazy the road life takes us. Because I want to better my body image it has made me very passionate about health and fitness.
Somebody this year told me that I could not change. Now I laugh because they are so very wrong. A long time ago i learned to not let word hurt me, and to pay attention to what people say when they are angry. Those words alone made me more powerful than I had expected.
With growth and change you also begin to let go of stuff that you feel is bringing you down a bit. At my day job I took a position that I thought would be good for me through the course of taking on the position I learned that this isn't what I want to be doing here, because it doesn't make me happy, and I realized that for me personally that I'm not there for that, and I don't want to move up in place where don't want to make that my career and I also don't want to mislead anyone and not train them right. I chose not to re-apply for the position and with that it's giving me more time to focus on my outside work like, studying and prepping for the occasional audition, and hanging out with different people and crowds.
I look back at this year so far and realized I'm on the right path. It's not easy, but I can smile a lot more then I ever did. I don't have to validate myself to anyone anymore and I can take my past mistakes and learn from them instead of letting them get the best of me. I'm still on this journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me. We are always growing, we are always changing, but this time I'm doing it for the right reason..and that reason is for me.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
The Inside Job: Love & Happiness
My facebook status last night was take from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts"
"My aspiration in life is to be happy..."
We have all been in or seen relationships where one or both people are trying to make something work but it never seems to work. The relationship feels broken. Through talking with other couples, and even my own experiences I have encountered symptoms of brokenness or a series of dysfunctional patterns (i.e tantrums, selfish motivations, manipulation, inability to be reasonable, withholding information, not taking responsibility and avoiding truth) that become the primary way in which we operate within our day-to-day relationships. Brokenness can create an empty feeling or sense of hopelessness which makes communication nearly impossible and highlights the patterns that keep us from wholeness and wellness.
I used the word broken to describe the experiences of same gender loving men of color who have historically had no model for healthy relationships. These men have also spent the vast majority of their romantic and sexual encounters in secrecy. Trying to create and sustain an emotional safe space for communication, honesty and transparency can be quite the challenge for anyone not living their truth. The word broken my not resonate with all of you; some may personalize the statement and became extremely offended. It was never intended to offend, however truth has an uncanny way of offending people. The word broken can become difficult for some people to move beyond; however today other wellness and spiritual gurus such as T.D Jakes, Brene Brown and Iyanla Vanzant have used the word or comparable language, and now it has become socially acceptable because it is mainstream. The point being made is that we must be honest about our condition. We cannot change something if we refuse to acknowledge its existence. There is the saying, if there is a will there is a way, but I say there can be no will where there is no awareness.
Our individual brokenness can lead to our growing apart in our relationships. We start to feel the differences between us are so great that we may never be on the same page again. Growing apart doesn’t happen all at once. It usually feels like a covert operation. One day you wake up and you don’t even recognize your relationship. What was once feedback is now a barrage of critical digs. The messiness spills out in the presence of family and friends and seeping into all areas of our lives. I want to take this time to remind you that you were probably working on you before the relationship and the rush of love or the need to be sexually and socially validated bumped your “take care of me” mind set to the back burner. Suddenly things have changed and you are reminded through your partner’s action or inaction of the work you were supposed to do before you entered into a relationship. The relationship has suddenly become a mirror of the “you” that you did not fix. You simply brought all the broken pieces of you which were poorly glued together in order to give the appearance of a whole healthy person. Real talk, you have always needed to do this work and so has your partner. Your relationships are just reflecting what and who you are.
Coming together and building a life should never be without a clear commitment to continue to do your self-work. We are so invested in the relationship work that we want to do or allowing ourselves to become so distracted by the relationship that we forget that the purpose of our relationships is to flourish and thrive when two wholes come together. Instead we are two holes coming together hoping one can fill the other and soon we realize it will never be enough. Get clear and stay clear about your self-work and involve your partner so that you both are on the same page. We can minimize the drama in our conflict by acknowledging our strengths and limitations, accepting our partner’s perception of strengths and limitation and deciding what kind of relationship we want to be; however we must first decide what kind of ME do I want to be. Then work towards your ideal relationship. Is it one that is equal or one that is equitable?
Equity and equality are both great tools. They force us to communicate our intentions and needs. If you find yourself in a stuck relationship of any kind, I caution you to revisit the self-work you started to do before your relationship. I also encourage you to identify the family themes and patterns of brokenness that you may have inherited, which might very well be showing up in your relationships. Had we been the decedents of people who communicated in a way that was healthy who knew how to take responsibility and be held accountable for their actions; and most importantly who learned how to love and like themselves; then that would mean you would have come from a history of people who understood wholeness and were able to operate as their ideal self. You would be without the brokenness or at least you would have the tools to combat brokenness, and you would be on your way to practicing wholeness. Wholeness is not just a state of being it is making choices that are in your best interest along the journey. You see, the real secret to a happy long relationship is to start that relationship with two individuals who are already whole, because at the end of the day love and happiness is an inside job.
Well g2g PEACE
P.S.
Loving myself back to life
"My aspiration in life is to be happy..."
We have all been in or seen relationships where one or both people are trying to make something work but it never seems to work. The relationship feels broken. Through talking with other couples, and even my own experiences I have encountered symptoms of brokenness or a series of dysfunctional patterns (i.e tantrums, selfish motivations, manipulation, inability to be reasonable, withholding information, not taking responsibility and avoiding truth) that become the primary way in which we operate within our day-to-day relationships. Brokenness can create an empty feeling or sense of hopelessness which makes communication nearly impossible and highlights the patterns that keep us from wholeness and wellness.
I used the word broken to describe the experiences of same gender loving men of color who have historically had no model for healthy relationships. These men have also spent the vast majority of their romantic and sexual encounters in secrecy. Trying to create and sustain an emotional safe space for communication, honesty and transparency can be quite the challenge for anyone not living their truth. The word broken my not resonate with all of you; some may personalize the statement and became extremely offended. It was never intended to offend, however truth has an uncanny way of offending people. The word broken can become difficult for some people to move beyond; however today other wellness and spiritual gurus such as T.D Jakes, Brene Brown and Iyanla Vanzant have used the word or comparable language, and now it has become socially acceptable because it is mainstream. The point being made is that we must be honest about our condition. We cannot change something if we refuse to acknowledge its existence. There is the saying, if there is a will there is a way, but I say there can be no will where there is no awareness.
Our individual brokenness can lead to our growing apart in our relationships. We start to feel the differences between us are so great that we may never be on the same page again. Growing apart doesn’t happen all at once. It usually feels like a covert operation. One day you wake up and you don’t even recognize your relationship. What was once feedback is now a barrage of critical digs. The messiness spills out in the presence of family and friends and seeping into all areas of our lives. I want to take this time to remind you that you were probably working on you before the relationship and the rush of love or the need to be sexually and socially validated bumped your “take care of me” mind set to the back burner. Suddenly things have changed and you are reminded through your partner’s action or inaction of the work you were supposed to do before you entered into a relationship. The relationship has suddenly become a mirror of the “you” that you did not fix. You simply brought all the broken pieces of you which were poorly glued together in order to give the appearance of a whole healthy person. Real talk, you have always needed to do this work and so has your partner. Your relationships are just reflecting what and who you are.
Coming together and building a life should never be without a clear commitment to continue to do your self-work. We are so invested in the relationship work that we want to do or allowing ourselves to become so distracted by the relationship that we forget that the purpose of our relationships is to flourish and thrive when two wholes come together. Instead we are two holes coming together hoping one can fill the other and soon we realize it will never be enough. Get clear and stay clear about your self-work and involve your partner so that you both are on the same page. We can minimize the drama in our conflict by acknowledging our strengths and limitations, accepting our partner’s perception of strengths and limitation and deciding what kind of relationship we want to be; however we must first decide what kind of ME do I want to be. Then work towards your ideal relationship. Is it one that is equal or one that is equitable?
Equity and equality are both great tools. They force us to communicate our intentions and needs. If you find yourself in a stuck relationship of any kind, I caution you to revisit the self-work you started to do before your relationship. I also encourage you to identify the family themes and patterns of brokenness that you may have inherited, which might very well be showing up in your relationships. Had we been the decedents of people who communicated in a way that was healthy who knew how to take responsibility and be held accountable for their actions; and most importantly who learned how to love and like themselves; then that would mean you would have come from a history of people who understood wholeness and were able to operate as their ideal self. You would be without the brokenness or at least you would have the tools to combat brokenness, and you would be on your way to practicing wholeness. Wholeness is not just a state of being it is making choices that are in your best interest along the journey. You see, the real secret to a happy long relationship is to start that relationship with two individuals who are already whole, because at the end of the day love and happiness is an inside job.
Well g2g PEACE
P.S.
Loving myself back to life
Monday, July 14, 2014
30 Things you MAY NOT know about me...TYREE
So I thought this might be fun and a cool chance for some of you to know some pretty interesting stuff about me. I don't really think I'm that interesting so here goes nothing.
1.) For one month straight, I watched "The Wiz" until I fell asleep every night.
2.) I enjoy doing laundry
3.) My pet peeve is when people spend a lot of money just to impress other people.
4.) I don't like asking for help in any form.
5.) I'm stubborn to the core
6.) I'm a LEO
7.) According to my best friend Jordan, and Barrage I am a "Passive Top"
8.) I think I'm the best cook in this universe
9.) I use to weight 250 lbs.
10.) I have one sibling his name is Bryan Christian Walker
11.) I hate talking on the phone, because I make awkward pauses, and I hate saying goodbye.
12.) I don't like Goodbye's so often I leave places with out telling people, or I leave jobs without telling co-workers goodbye.
13.) I use to be a "touch-me-not." I use to hate giving hugs and getting them.
14.) I collect Wizard of Oz items
15.) My go to snack is Apple Chips
16.) I plan to own a gym and have a theatre named after me someday.
17.) I can always tell when my Dad's father who is deceased is trying to contact me or is near me.
18.) I love alone time.
19.) The gym is my playground and stress reliever
20.) I knew I belonged in a big city since I was a child.
21.) The first time I kissed a guy I was 21.
22.) My first guy crush was in my Sophomore year of High School.
23.) I love peanut butter.
24.) I can become un-attracted to a guy sexually as soon as I know they've done something wrong. I will not keep it up at all. Trust is HUGE for me.
25.) Halloween is my favorite holiday
26.) I skipped NYC Pride this year and decided to go the gym instead. I've got goals yo!
27.) I am actually classically trained in playing the guitar.
28.) I can't put food in my mouth unless I can touch it with my tongue first.
29.) I ALWAYS eat random Chinese food in airports and regret it later
30.) I've always wanted to get flowers from someone I'm dating.
That's my 30! Weird right? I know..but it's random and it's ME. That's a little bit of myself for you folks! Livin' this blog up a bit!
Well g2g! LOVING MYSELF BACK TO LIFE
1.) For one month straight, I watched "The Wiz" until I fell asleep every night.
2.) I enjoy doing laundry
3.) My pet peeve is when people spend a lot of money just to impress other people.
4.) I don't like asking for help in any form.
5.) I'm stubborn to the core
6.) I'm a LEO
7.) According to my best friend Jordan, and Barrage I am a "Passive Top"
8.) I think I'm the best cook in this universe
9.) I use to weight 250 lbs.
10.) I have one sibling his name is Bryan Christian Walker
11.) I hate talking on the phone, because I make awkward pauses, and I hate saying goodbye.
12.) I don't like Goodbye's so often I leave places with out telling people, or I leave jobs without telling co-workers goodbye.
13.) I use to be a "touch-me-not." I use to hate giving hugs and getting them.
14.) I collect Wizard of Oz items
15.) My go to snack is Apple Chips
16.) I plan to own a gym and have a theatre named after me someday.
17.) I can always tell when my Dad's father who is deceased is trying to contact me or is near me.
18.) I love alone time.
19.) The gym is my playground and stress reliever
20.) I knew I belonged in a big city since I was a child.
21.) The first time I kissed a guy I was 21.
22.) My first guy crush was in my Sophomore year of High School.
23.) I love peanut butter.
24.) I can become un-attracted to a guy sexually as soon as I know they've done something wrong. I will not keep it up at all. Trust is HUGE for me.
25.) Halloween is my favorite holiday
26.) I skipped NYC Pride this year and decided to go the gym instead. I've got goals yo!
27.) I am actually classically trained in playing the guitar.
28.) I can't put food in my mouth unless I can touch it with my tongue first.
29.) I ALWAYS eat random Chinese food in airports and regret it later
30.) I've always wanted to get flowers from someone I'm dating.
That's my 30! Weird right? I know..but it's random and it's ME. That's a little bit of myself for you folks! Livin' this blog up a bit!
Well g2g! LOVING MYSELF BACK TO LIFE
Thursday, July 10, 2014
My Love Affair With...
Alright I'm up super early! Can you believe it?
This blog is going to be about my new found boyfriend...his name is The Gym.
Me and The Gym have a crazy understanding for each other. I help him, and he helps me.
So where do I begin with this blog? My crazy for the gym is insatiable. I prefer the gym over sex...mildly, I mean there both exercise. But I can't describe how much pleasure I really do get from going to the gym. A few people have asked me what my life is like and how do I find the time and energy to get to the gym as much as I do. The answer is really freakin' simple. We make time for the things we want to make time for, and I find time to fit my gym time in my not so crazy life. Do I have a life since I go to the gym as much as I do? To be honest with you, not as much as a lot of people would think. Here as of recent I've gotten super into getting fit and healthy and I know a lot of the time my multimedia portrays that I'm up to a few different things, but if someone were to spend a week with me they would see that not much really goes on. I sleep a lot...I sleep up to 10 hours a day, because my body needs that time to recover from my workouts, and then I wake up in time to go to work, then afterwards head to the gym, and then repeat the cycle again 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I've made my social times strictly during Friday and Saturday and since Jesus rested on the seventh day...so do I.
I tell some of my friends that this new quest to being fit isn't at all easy and really does take a great amount of discipline. I've gotten to the point where I'm really strict about what I put into my body and how I treat my body. I've started prepping my meals for the week, and I've gotten really into different types of health food products. In my apt. one counter is full of my different whey's and other health nut stuff. I will say that it is a huge investment and I get extra excited on my days when I get to go shop at GNC or my favorite store Vitamin Shop and get new things. You should see my face light up when I go into Vitamin Shop. I'm essentially like a kid in Toy's R Us or at some candy store.
This past weekend I was out with a friend and they asked me do I realize how gorgeous I am? I can tell you all that I don't and I don't ever want to get to the point where I become big headed and think I'm all that. My main objective for this whole becoming is because I really want to be at my best possible physical shape. I do take pride in how far I've come in this goal. The other day it dawned on me that I came to NYC weighing 230 lbs and last summer I weighed 160 lbs...NEVER again! Now I'm sitting at a cool 187 lbs and I love it. My waist size is where I'd ideally like it to be and shirt size too.
Am I doing this for myself? Damn right I am! I've always wanted this since I was a kid. I've found something else that I'm really passionate about and I'm good at it. I hope soon to parlay all of this knowledge into someone else and help them get to where they want to be. I am taking the next step and working on finally just working at gym. I'm at home there and in a strange way it's my playground and I this man loves him some recess!
On the UP and UUUUPPP! I'M OUT! LOVING MYSELF BACK TO LIFE!
This blog is going to be about my new found boyfriend...his name is The Gym.
Me and The Gym have a crazy understanding for each other. I help him, and he helps me.
So where do I begin with this blog? My crazy for the gym is insatiable. I prefer the gym over sex...mildly, I mean there both exercise. But I can't describe how much pleasure I really do get from going to the gym. A few people have asked me what my life is like and how do I find the time and energy to get to the gym as much as I do. The answer is really freakin' simple. We make time for the things we want to make time for, and I find time to fit my gym time in my not so crazy life. Do I have a life since I go to the gym as much as I do? To be honest with you, not as much as a lot of people would think. Here as of recent I've gotten super into getting fit and healthy and I know a lot of the time my multimedia portrays that I'm up to a few different things, but if someone were to spend a week with me they would see that not much really goes on. I sleep a lot...I sleep up to 10 hours a day, because my body needs that time to recover from my workouts, and then I wake up in time to go to work, then afterwards head to the gym, and then repeat the cycle again 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I've made my social times strictly during Friday and Saturday and since Jesus rested on the seventh day...so do I.
I tell some of my friends that this new quest to being fit isn't at all easy and really does take a great amount of discipline. I've gotten to the point where I'm really strict about what I put into my body and how I treat my body. I've started prepping my meals for the week, and I've gotten really into different types of health food products. In my apt. one counter is full of my different whey's and other health nut stuff. I will say that it is a huge investment and I get extra excited on my days when I get to go shop at GNC or my favorite store Vitamin Shop and get new things. You should see my face light up when I go into Vitamin Shop. I'm essentially like a kid in Toy's R Us or at some candy store.
This past weekend I was out with a friend and they asked me do I realize how gorgeous I am? I can tell you all that I don't and I don't ever want to get to the point where I become big headed and think I'm all that. My main objective for this whole becoming is because I really want to be at my best possible physical shape. I do take pride in how far I've come in this goal. The other day it dawned on me that I came to NYC weighing 230 lbs and last summer I weighed 160 lbs...NEVER again! Now I'm sitting at a cool 187 lbs and I love it. My waist size is where I'd ideally like it to be and shirt size too.
Am I doing this for myself? Damn right I am! I've always wanted this since I was a kid. I've found something else that I'm really passionate about and I'm good at it. I hope soon to parlay all of this knowledge into someone else and help them get to where they want to be. I am taking the next step and working on finally just working at gym. I'm at home there and in a strange way it's my playground and I this man loves him some recess!
On the UP and UUUUPPP! I'M OUT! LOVING MYSELF BACK TO LIFE!
Friday, July 4, 2014
Why did I ever stop blogging?
I'm going to do this quickly because I've got to get some sleep!
So, it seems like I went on a brief hiatus from writing, and honestly I shouldn't have because there is so much to talk about and so much to be discussed. I paused on writing partially because I've been kinda busy with getting my shit together and doing a lot of what I need to be doing so that I'm able to write about it. I've been doing some self-exploring. I'd like to start by saying that my life is a okay right now. I've been working 6 days a week with little to no off-days..that's going to change soon for my own mental stability and I've been bulking in the gym...which is where I've just come from.
Summer is in full swing here and it has brought about some cool happening and validations for myself. I've learned that to make the changes that need to make, that I've got to totally cut some people out, it might have even meant stop talking to them period. I don't have the time or strength anymore to sit around and argue with anyone and I don't have too either. Arguing isn't a good for me or progressive for anyone no matter the situation. I've been really low-key and I intend on keeping it that way, keeping my friend circle small, and my going out to a minimum. I'm taking classes right now to get certified as a Personal Trainer, and juggling a Shakespeare class on top of it. I know myself now and to do what I'm doing I need to be straight up focused and attentive in my studies.
I've got dreams, like legit dreams and goals at this point that I'd like to achieve be the time that I'm 30. I'd like to be running a gym and have my own for profit theatre company up and going. Can I do it? We'll see!
My dating life...hahahaha (it's too funny) it's actually non-existant. After some stirring events I've completely shut-down thought of dating anyone at this point in time. I don't have the patience, I don't want to argue with anyone, and I don't know if I can even trust anyone right now. All this could change. It really could, but my season just isn't right now and it's very clear to me. I think the key for me right now it to focus on what's important to Ty and it's my above said goals.
On the up and up. I feel sexy and I'm loving myself back to life!
So, it seems like I went on a brief hiatus from writing, and honestly I shouldn't have because there is so much to talk about and so much to be discussed. I paused on writing partially because I've been kinda busy with getting my shit together and doing a lot of what I need to be doing so that I'm able to write about it. I've been doing some self-exploring. I'd like to start by saying that my life is a okay right now. I've been working 6 days a week with little to no off-days..that's going to change soon for my own mental stability and I've been bulking in the gym...which is where I've just come from.
Summer is in full swing here and it has brought about some cool happening and validations for myself. I've learned that to make the changes that need to make, that I've got to totally cut some people out, it might have even meant stop talking to them period. I don't have the time or strength anymore to sit around and argue with anyone and I don't have too either. Arguing isn't a good for me or progressive for anyone no matter the situation. I've been really low-key and I intend on keeping it that way, keeping my friend circle small, and my going out to a minimum. I'm taking classes right now to get certified as a Personal Trainer, and juggling a Shakespeare class on top of it. I know myself now and to do what I'm doing I need to be straight up focused and attentive in my studies.
I've got dreams, like legit dreams and goals at this point that I'd like to achieve be the time that I'm 30. I'd like to be running a gym and have my own for profit theatre company up and going. Can I do it? We'll see!
My dating life...hahahaha (it's too funny) it's actually non-existant. After some stirring events I've completely shut-down thought of dating anyone at this point in time. I don't have the patience, I don't want to argue with anyone, and I don't know if I can even trust anyone right now. All this could change. It really could, but my season just isn't right now and it's very clear to me. I think the key for me right now it to focus on what's important to Ty and it's my above said goals.
On the up and up. I feel sexy and I'm loving myself back to life!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Leave It All In The Rearview...
A thought is love's currency…
I take days off from work and it becomes a open canvas for my mind to do some much needed thinking and writing. I never realize how much I have on my mind until I get a day off. That's crazy.
It's the end of another week and it's starting to warm up here in NYC. Today I wore a tank top and shorts and it was incredibly nice outside. Tomorrow the high is 75 degrees..fuck yeah! Bring on this warm weather!
Lately I've been thinking about my future (life, love, and happiness) I want and need to make some changes in my life. I guess we'll get started on love. Spring is near and with that new romances sometimes begin. Not for me, at the moment, but for others. I've decided to enjoy this moment of being single, but sometimes it get s little frustrating and lonely. I like being single because it gives me a lot more time to see my friends, be alone, and not have to be so stressed about balancing my time with work. I'm learning how to balance these things now. However I do miss cuddling, watching movies with a someone, coming home to someone and cooking for them and vice versa, even sex…I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship. I hate being called a romantic, but at heart I am..I've always been and that will never change.
Last night I thought about every single one of my ex's..yep, All 5 of them. I just thought about the good times and bad times with them all and accessed what I'm really, honestly looking for in a guy. I also realized I'd only ever really dated 5 guys and that made me realize how selective I am about the type of guys I've been with. I've got standards. I don't want to be that person who post blogs about "Why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "I need a boyfriend." I'm not thirsty, or desperate, I just hope I find the guy that cliques best for me. It's all trial and error right? Sometimes you have to lose to win again. I do however think I'm a fucking great catch and one helluva loyal lover, but that's what I want back in return. We still have to see what the future holds for me in my love life. I'm not too worried! I am learning that I can't sit on the sidelines and think something is just going to happen. I've got to get out on the field and make things happen…but choosing wisely. I never want to get to that point where I just settle and date somebody because there the only person giving me attention, or I feel like I can't have anybody else, or I don't deserve better. I've seen first hand how that effects people in my life. I'm not about that life as some would say. I also don't want to be jumping from guy to guy in a matter of days as some do. I want whoever I get in a relationship with, I want it to be a smooth transition this time, where it's just obvious at a certain point where it's time for us to get serious about the two of us and what that means for out future together.
Life has taken an up swing lately. I've been cast in a show and I'll be working on that soon, and I'm really enjoying life as a whole at the moment. The past couple of weekends I've been spending with my close circle of friends and we've been going on some crazy adventures. We've been to The Eagle twice…oh man, OH MAN! the adventures we've gotten into there. Last weekend we went and I got a Harness and I was flogged. Needless to say we are taking a break from that place, but it was great to go some place where I was a little scared of going to because of what I've heard from friends and co-workers, and so finding out for myself was great and I had a really good time both times.
It's these times…right here, right now that are very important for me. I'm learning to leave the past in the rearview mirror and I'm driving towards the future me. Will there be more bumps in the road, probably, but I'll know how to handle it. My love life, my happiness, my life and how I live it..it's all up to me. I'm not putting my happiness in other's hands anymore. I'm also not sitting around and waiting for others to get it together. I've always had a level head and mature, and I can't backtrack.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
The Importance of Self
Just finished my morning workout in my living room to the probable annoyance of my downstairs neighbors.
Summer is officially 10 weeks away and I couldn't be more excited about it.
I'm on the mission to be in the best shape of my life by the my 28th Birthday which isn't to far off. I can't believe I'm turning 28 soon…wow! Time is really flying by. This quest of redefining my body is going well and it's a lot harder. I am proud of myself this week though. I decided to take a lot more control of my diet and what I put in my mouth. I have a secret weakness for chocolate covered nuts (almonds)…go figure! Also Reese Cups and this week I gave up all sugars except from fruits and it has been the struggle! I haven't cracked yet and yesterday on Wednesday my cravings finally quieted down.
Part of me getting in the best physical shape is my diet. For while I was cutting grains out and this week I got to introduce them into my body, but not talking about Bread, and Pasta. I eat oatmeal (Steel City Oats) and more granola bars and Cliff Bars. I've been eating boiled eggs for snacks. Really I'm eating clean now. I don't eat the food at my job anymore and I've started packing my own food and bringing it with me. I do have a food cut off time which really works for me and it's Midnight.
The power of water is wonderful! I drink nothing but water and I keep juices down to a minimum and I'm really picky about what the juice is too. If I do have a drink I take seltzer with it. I tend to stick to Red wines, vodka, and gin.
My fervor for the body really came to a head last night. The past couple of days my boy Pete hasn't been doing so good with his Boyfriend, life, friends and such and so we planned on going to NO PARKING Bar, which closes this weekend. Oh the memories of that bar! We went kind of early and the place wasn't packed at all. We talked about what was going on in our lives over drinks and then the dancers came…there is this one particular dancer and when I saw his body…I immediately pointed to him and said that's kinda how I want my body to be structured. I kept thinking I'm so close! I just got stick to what I'm doing and be strong! Besides that a random wednesday out was needed and much fun. I'm sad to see NO PARKING go. Can we talk about all the white guys/girls who were in the house last night? They gotta get there groove on too! I favor NO PARKINGS music over all the clubs I've been to in this city so far. All Gay men don't want to dance to Gaga, whom I love…but I like some R&B and Hip Hop too!
Today is my off day, so a lot of my time will be spent in the gym…I've got goals y'all!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Just Keep Swimming! Surfboard!
Relishing in the moments and hours that I have to myself…
I've been in need of water, but not water to drink, or to bath in. I've been needing water to full immerse myself in. I traveled out to Roosevelt Island to go swim at there sports complex today. I don't know why I was so nervous once I got there. I stood outside the window as I watched all the other swimmers in there lanes going from one end to the other. I almost just turned and left because I felt like I had no business being there and maybe I didn't really want to swim. I walked down to the basketball court and made myself breath for a few minutes. I looked at my phone and turned it off and looked out over at Queens and said "Tyree, you need this!" and I picked up my bag and went into the building. Luckily I was greeted by this older gentleman who could tell that I was new because I started stuttering a bit…I was still nervous. He answered every question I was thinking, and since I was new he was kind enough to let me pay the residential fee to use the pool. I headed into the locker room and changed my clothes, showered and then made my way out onto the pool deck. The lifeguard gave me my own lane to swim in. I quickly took my flip flops off and set my table down and I didn't even wait to test the water. I gently put my entire body into the pool and then for the next 45 minutes it was just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, etc.
It felt so good to be swimming. I still had every stroke and my stride hadn't left me. I did 30 laps. Each lap was like a release. When I felt myself getting tired around the 20's I told myself to keep going. Half way through the lifeguard came over and spoke to me and he asked me if I had any goggles, I didn't remember to bring them with me because I was doing this all on a whim, and he let me borrow his until I was done. That was very nice of him. I continued to swim and it was just so good to be back in water. The smell of chlorine and even water filling my ears! After I finished. I got out I thanked the lifeguard whose name is Trystan…he had a very strong name, so I remembered it. I thanked him for letting me use his goggles and we struck up a nice little conversation with him hoping I'd return, No worries..I am, I love that place..I'm going back Friday.
After a quick shower I headed out towards the Tram to head back into the city for a workout at the gym. I am a Beast…yes even after todays swim I went to the gym to have my leg days. I don't skip leg days. The view from the Tram was perfect. It made me remember why I love New York so much, and why I'm here. I don't know if it was the swim, meeting Trystan, or the view from the Tram ride, but I realized I AM coming into my own. I'm still figuring this whole Life thing out, but I really do love it here. I knew I was being hit on today by an extremely handsome lifeguard and for the first time..I just…I just let it happen. Why not? Nothing has to come of it and nothing will come of it, but it was exciting. I don't often let guys flirt with me in public settings because I tend to turn awkward and not know what to say, or I just feel uncomfortable. Baby steps…baby steps, Ty Ty!
Looking out at the city got my mind churning and the cogs clicking and ticking. I've got so many goals I want to achieve here in this place. Next week I begin my journey of trying to find my place in the fitness industry. I want to work for a gym, but I also want to move up within that company. To be quite frank…I don't want to be a server/bartender forever. I realize that as an artist that's the most flexible job, but I have other wants and I'm really really good at other things to besides acting..and fitness is second next to my performance career. I've gotten aggressive about my goals in my health and life and I want to use what I've learned to help others.
I'm a humble guy, just trying to find my way in the concrete jungle. Out of my close circle of friends I've been deemed the Carrie Bradshaw of the group and I'm totally ok with that! Well here's to something fresh and new in my life. Here's to taking chances, flirting, being a Bachelor, knowing that it's okay for me to be confident about myself as long as I remain humble. Most of all…just keep swimming
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
The Ebb and Flow of Life
Just getting home from work. My feet hurt, and I'm tired, but I must write while it's all still collected here in my head.
I've started asking myself lately "How do you do it?"Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to I'm late to bed and I'm early to rise. I hate missing seeing the sunrise every morning. I think there is something so special about seeing the sunrise, it lets me know that a new day has begun and I live to see another day that wasn't promised to me. Here I sit in the wee ours of the early morning in my own little corner, blogging, and waiting to catch the sunrise before I nap for a few ours.
Life is full of new lessons and realizations for me. I'm learning to relish in these moments. I'm learning that my life is still very much uncharted and I'm ok with that. I rarely show my soft side, but tonight I dropped a few tears because I realized how free I actually am. I'm bound to nothing and nobody and it's time I started relishing this freedom for once in my life. I chose to start a new phase in my life. I've come to see I'm not the same boy that moved here almost two years ago, but that I'm becoming this…Man... and at times I scare myself with this new sense of self. I've gained this new discipline for re-sculpting my image and so much more. I've been drug free for 4 months now and I didn't realize that until I was walking home. My health is bouncing back, because I've cut so much crap out and I can see the results of my efforts. I'm really focusing on Me.
The other day someone asked me how they could change and get on my level and what I told them really does ring true. Until you take a really hard look at yourself, and realize what you're doing to yourself you can't even begin to start that change. I know that in order for me to pursue my Journey of Self that I need to be alone a lot. I say this because I know myself. I don't know what it's like to just be alone and not just from a relationship stand point. I see so many of my friends running from guy to guy or girl to girl and in the past I've done the same too. I always wonder do they know what it's like to just Be? Just be by yourself for a minute and get your shit together. Do they really want change or is this just a temporary feeling for them until something else comes along and they get off track? These are the things I think about now that I'm fully aware of my changing and really invested into changing. Don't ask for change and not really want said change. That's silly.
There really is something to loving yourself first, before loving somebody else. Learning to take care of my insecurities first and foremost before I let someone else in has been essential to me.
I'm so ready for summer. I'm ready for tank tops, shorts, a cool pair of sneakers, earrings, a new tattoo (Chest/Shoulder), brunch, and seeing people wearing next to nothing because it will be HOT and most of them will be HOT! Talking to a co-worker today and we both agreed we want to make this summer amazing. So bring on the warm weather. NYC is slowly thawing out.
SO much to live for right now that even on my worst day I'm not even worried.
PEACE
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Dear No One, This Is Your Love Song
The dreaded phone conversation you don't want to have because it brings out so many emotions in you that even after you've hung up, you beginning to question everything you've done…
Honesty…
Trust…
Openess…
and
Faithfullness…
These are four important words to me. Why these words you ask? If there are three people that I've begun to divulge a lot of my life too, it would have to be my Mother, Jordan, and my Father. I say my Father last because today was the first time he brought up something that up until now I've not been willing or even ready to talk about. Back in November I came out to my entire family, albeit not on my own terms, or in the way I'd like to have had it done in, but I am OUT. To my surprise it was a secret to nobody.
Yesterday my father asked me a question that sent my mind into deep thought and it lead me into opening my thoughts up on this subject to him. He asked if I were seeing anyone serious. Let the record stand clear that Yes, I Undra (Andre) Tyree Walker am a Bachelor…simply put I am single. My Dad's answer "but why?" Maybe it's a southern thing and maybe because my parents are generally worried about me. He really wanted to know why I was not seeing anyone. He said of all the men in the world who NEED to be single, Son you aren't one of them. I chuckled and laughed and I thanked him for the compliment, but I told him that it was much tougher than it seems for me. I began to tell it all and lay it down as to why I'm single.
When I first moved here to New York I went on a dating frenzy, and a little bit of a wild sex phase that some said was overdue for me. I tried to date this one guy, but found everything he said so annoying that I got off at the next subway station and caught the next train, because of his arrogant comment. I rebounded back and started seeing another guy and through a serious of complications, my own insecurities, and self-doubt it abruptly came to an end last January. After that I began seeing another guy and he took me to my lowest of lows and for awhile I shut myself off to the possibilities of anyone else. This past October I met a young man who presented himself…even though he was 8 years younger than me, yep, not even 21! And for two months he and I would be off and on, and off and on! One thing I will say His maturity surpassed his age and that is one of the most amazing things about him. I've dated men older than him and myself, but his maturity takes the cake for sure. With all that being said I still find myself at the cross roads in my life.
To be completely honest I feel like I've become numb to the thought of a relationship just because of the bitter taste they have left in my mouth, but do I yearn for one? Yes! Yes, I do. This past week I reconnected with and Ex who wanted to know what He'd done wrong in our relationship. If He'd asked me a few months ago I would have hit him with a side-eye and politely have said…NO. Up to that point between him and I was harboring some very bitter feelings toward him. To be quiet honest He was one of the main reasons for my shut down from giving other people chances, and me deep inside not wanting to be with anybody else. All I could ever think about was how easy it is for someone to be able to bounce back so fast into this search for love, while leaving the other person with some many questions, and in limbo. How could anyone just rightfully do that to someone and think it's okay? Not fair…but is it?
Being where I'm at now and in this new found confidence and new journey I'm on I obliged and I told him what I was going through during us and the aftermath of us and it was…so good. I got that weight off my chest that I'd been carrying for over a year.
Has that turned me off to wanting something real? No! Not at all. I think it all starts at where I want to be in life. A lot of my friends are in relationships or budding relationships. Tonight I attended a dinner where it was just me, two couples, and a mutual friend. I wasn't bothered at all. I'm feeling my own skin out right now…I'm learning. I came across a song by Tori Kelly and that song says what I'm feeling word for word. It's me all the way through. Maybe I'll fall in love again and not be afraid too. Maybe I won't repeat the same mistakes and be more open and not so closed off to the people I'm dating. Maybe this time I will give love a chance again…So if you're out there I swear to be good to you, but I'm done looking for my future someone, because when the times is right he'll be here right beside me and it will have been worth the wait.
Dear No One…
I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do.
I like being by myself,
Don't gotta entertain anybody else,
No one to answer to.
But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold,
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold,
Got that young love even when we're old.
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand,
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man.
I will love you 'til the end.
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you,
But I'm done looking
For my future someone,
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooh!!
I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeahh!
But I'd love to have a soul mate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you 'til the end
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
Cause I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody), this is your love song...
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
No Longer Living In A Grey Area…Breaking the Cycle
I'm soaking with the mix of sweat and rain and I'm just off the train from the hardest workout I've ever done. So hard, I threw up. I knew it was coming after Leslie and I finished training. As we were heading back to the locker room I looked at him and said "Hold up! I think I'm going to vomit!" Leslie busted out laughing as I started puking my gut out and I asked him why he thought it was so funny, he said it was because I said it so polite and cute as if I was joking. Of course I'm fine. We just went HAM today and did a total body exercise…and I've got to be back at it bright and early.
Anyway…on my train ride back home I was hit with my next blog and while it's still all put together in my mind.
So with everything going on with my life, with my overall health being my main focus at the moment. It's time for a little reflection. Last night I had a great conversation with a friend about somethings that have been going on in our lives. We talked about relationships and coping with the end of one and dating again and so forth, but during this conversation I began to honestly reflect on some past relationship, and people I've dated and where I honestly still stand with those people. The main thing I passed off to my friend was don't let yourself be drawn into living in this weird grey area with this person, that's dangerous and somebody will get there feelings hurt. I also said don't let somebody make you their option, and you will know when you're being treated like one and I'm not going to go into detail, but there are signs that will let you know when you're not being told something by the other person whose keeping you in this grey area, and when that happens know that if they will do this to you, they are bound to do it to others as well. You also have to know that it's not about you, because it's clear now that this person has some issues, and this is your escape to freedom, because you don't want to be caught up with someone whose not presenting you the cold hard truth, because if they present you with the cold hard truth they know they are giving you the choice to decide what the next phase should be, but they don't want to give you that freedom because they want keep you in the grey so you don't go anywhere. I've had this happen to me once before and I told my friend I'm breaking this cycle and that you should too.
I've learned some very valuable things recently that are making me the man that I am. My confidence is coming back in full force and so much more. My therapist told me I'm standing a little taller these days, and she could see that I was taking this whole rebuilding myself journey quite seriously..and I AM! The other day a guy was talking to me and he told me "You know you're really quite a desirable Man…" the key word that struck me was "MAN" I felt like I had exited out of being called a "Young Man"and now I'm being recognized as a MAN…it was the biggest breath of fresh air I'd breathed in a minute.
I tell people this whole journey to my self-discovery of who I am and who I'm becoming isn't easy. Do I still have moments where I'm questioning what I'm doing? The answer is YES! I see a cupcake, pizza, a slice of cake and I want to eat it or I want to punch the person in the face whose enjoying said item! I see couples walking down the street , holding, kissing, hugging, laughing, and I do want those things, but I know I'll be able to get all those things as soon as I'm in a good place with myself and for myself. I'm a wise guy and that's something I'm beginning to love about myself…I'm also silly as hell too! All things aside..I'm in a good place and I know that. My eye is on the prize and REAL nice guys do finish last. My past is in my rearview mirror and my future….man, I can't wait to see what you've got in store for me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I've Become The Guy That Carries The Jug of Water Around.
I'm now on the 7th week of my fitness program and may the odds be ever in my favor.
This week I'm not allowed to have sweets, crazy carbs, and no alcohol whatsoever. I even have to stay away from my favorite treat which is this Atkins Bar that has only 1 gram of sugar. I've become the guy that carries the 1 gallon of water around with him. This is hard..
My life at this point has become a little boring, but it's okay because I know the payoff I'm getting in the end of all of this. I was warned that before I took on this new journey that my lifestyle would be altered greatly for a little while. Getting in the best physical shape that I've ever been in is not easy of fun. Last night I wanted to go out with everyone, but since I know that I need 10 hours of rest at night so my body can adjust to the changes I took my butt home and got the rest I needed.
Through this process though, my mind has been so clear lately. I don't feel so stressed and that's a good thing. I have noticed a lot of definition in my body, and I think that's because of the water I've been drinking. Drinking that jug of water throughout the day is crazy tough and it sends me to the restroom like 10 times a day, but my urine is clear so I know I'm hydrated. What exactly am I doing..I'm ripping my body!
This whole treating my body like a temple has been working, and my self-esteem, and confidence is starting to rise. I took a picture the other day and posted it publicly to show where I've gotten to so far in the 6th week and I'm pretty sure I've lost a waist size. I use to be 34 waist, but I think I'm not sitting comfortable at a 33 waist. The main key for me during this time is not so much as too get a smaller wait, but I want that "V"…which is coming along just right. Everything really does take time and every week I notice a few things new.
The payoff though have been remarkable, Yesterday at the gym this lady hit on me so hard that I almost went straight for her. Her game was THICK! I didn't have the heart to tell her I was gay, and I didn't need too. I actually just enjoyed the moment and what was happening. It was nice. It's these moments that I realize that it's okay to be where I'm at right now. I don't need to rush to be with someone and I don't have to settle down right now. With my self-esteem slowly coming back the one thing I'm sure I know of myself is that I'll be too career driven to want to get in a full-out relationship with anyone, not saying that could change, but where I'm at is good.
Still progressing, still growing, still smiling, and you know what…I'm not done yet!
LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!
This week I'm not allowed to have sweets, crazy carbs, and no alcohol whatsoever. I even have to stay away from my favorite treat which is this Atkins Bar that has only 1 gram of sugar. I've become the guy that carries the 1 gallon of water around with him. This is hard..
My life at this point has become a little boring, but it's okay because I know the payoff I'm getting in the end of all of this. I was warned that before I took on this new journey that my lifestyle would be altered greatly for a little while. Getting in the best physical shape that I've ever been in is not easy of fun. Last night I wanted to go out with everyone, but since I know that I need 10 hours of rest at night so my body can adjust to the changes I took my butt home and got the rest I needed.
Through this process though, my mind has been so clear lately. I don't feel so stressed and that's a good thing. I have noticed a lot of definition in my body, and I think that's because of the water I've been drinking. Drinking that jug of water throughout the day is crazy tough and it sends me to the restroom like 10 times a day, but my urine is clear so I know I'm hydrated. What exactly am I doing..I'm ripping my body!
This whole treating my body like a temple has been working, and my self-esteem, and confidence is starting to rise. I took a picture the other day and posted it publicly to show where I've gotten to so far in the 6th week and I'm pretty sure I've lost a waist size. I use to be 34 waist, but I think I'm not sitting comfortable at a 33 waist. The main key for me during this time is not so much as too get a smaller wait, but I want that "V"…which is coming along just right. Everything really does take time and every week I notice a few things new.
The payoff though have been remarkable, Yesterday at the gym this lady hit on me so hard that I almost went straight for her. Her game was THICK! I didn't have the heart to tell her I was gay, and I didn't need too. I actually just enjoyed the moment and what was happening. It was nice. It's these moments that I realize that it's okay to be where I'm at right now. I don't need to rush to be with someone and I don't have to settle down right now. With my self-esteem slowly coming back the one thing I'm sure I know of myself is that I'll be too career driven to want to get in a full-out relationship with anyone, not saying that could change, but where I'm at is good.
Still progressing, still growing, still smiling, and you know what…I'm not done yet!
LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!
Saturday, March 8, 2014
My New Journey
I think the last time I blogged I spoke on how I 3 a.m. I sat on a bench on a dark basketball court and had a little talk with the man upstairs.
Well…since that conversation I've been doing some hardcore thinking. Sometimes it scares me to think for myself and make decisions that better suit me and my life.
Today I'm going to blog to you all about my new journey. For the past 6 weeks some of you know that I've been on this new fitness program that I freaking love. I can't describe how pleased with everything is going with it. 6 weeks ago I decided to get my life together and take back what's mine. The first stop happened in January when my parents suggested that I should go see someone about what's going on with me mentally. I had tried group therapy back in November and I didn't like talking about my problems to a group of people, it just felt weird and more often than not I never really spoke in our sessions. Along with what was going on I started gaining some of the weight I'd lost over the year back. I had gotten down to 170lbs…not really in the healthiest of ways and in January I was back at 204lbs…stress does that! Anyway I was working New Years Eve and instead of celebrating with all my co-workers I completely blanked out and as I was told by someone I just stared at the computer screen while everyone was at the window cheering , that's when I knew I needed to get some help and quick.
I met my wonderful Therapist and life coach 5 days later and she has been one of the most amazing people I've met in this city thus far and I've come across some fantastic people here, but she let me talk, and she let me vent. Who knew that I was so holding on too so much. It was crazy how I was even able to talk about issues from my childhood and recount them to her and not be ashamed by them. I learned that I hold so much in, because I had learned to be passive aggressive, and that when I unleash anger…I unleash with such rage that I can be off putting, or downright scary, since everyone is use to seeing my smiling.
On my trip to Alabama she contacted me and she told me that she knew that I wanted to get in the best shape I've ever been in and she felt like I had what it takes to take my body to the next level. Y'all when I apply myself I can make miracles happen. I met with a nutritionist and we discussed a strict diet plan for myself, and my workout routines, coupled with my things that will stimulate me body and mind.
So the first part of my New Me Journey started 6 weeks ago with me on pursuit to drastically redefine my body the healthy way. I get one cheat day a week, and I hardly take them because I love the journey that I'm on. I can only focus on one stage of my journey one day at a time. I've started on my Mind, and Now I'm on my Body, and when I get to where I want to be physically, I can begin the journey of my career (Theatre and Fitness.)
I'm not going to tell you that this journey is easy. My drink limit is 2 drinks A WEEK, and with that I usually choose my drink of choice (Gin and Tonic) after one I'm feeling it and I have to chase it with 3 glasses of water. I've not touched a Soda, pasta, or rice, or bread! With all the tempting food here in NYC it's very tempting for me to give in, so I grab a bag of nuts and got to town on them.
Yesterday while most were out, or a home, with friends, lover, and whatnot I spent the better part of my day with my Lover (The Gym) breaking my goals, it's the small victories right now for myself that keep me smiling. Bad days at work couldn't keep me from getting in a good workout in or depress me so much that I stress eat. I am not a vegetarian anymore…I kicked it just because what I want to do with my body I need the protein..and HELL, I love Chicken. NO SHAME!
I'm probably going to head out to California in May to go to the Blatino Oasis in Palm Springs and just see what the scene is like out there. I want to see something different.
Here's to Focusing FULLY on me. I learned a couple of nights ago that when I just focus on my career, getting better, and doing what Tyree needs to do everything WILL fall into place, because the extra stuff your heart desires comes when you're really ready for it and you've got your stuff together.
That's all for now. Cheers to my Journey…I'm happy again and that's saying a lot. I love this smile!
PEACE, LOVE, AND SHARE YOUR LIGHT!
Well…since that conversation I've been doing some hardcore thinking. Sometimes it scares me to think for myself and make decisions that better suit me and my life.
Today I'm going to blog to you all about my new journey. For the past 6 weeks some of you know that I've been on this new fitness program that I freaking love. I can't describe how pleased with everything is going with it. 6 weeks ago I decided to get my life together and take back what's mine. The first stop happened in January when my parents suggested that I should go see someone about what's going on with me mentally. I had tried group therapy back in November and I didn't like talking about my problems to a group of people, it just felt weird and more often than not I never really spoke in our sessions. Along with what was going on I started gaining some of the weight I'd lost over the year back. I had gotten down to 170lbs…not really in the healthiest of ways and in January I was back at 204lbs…stress does that! Anyway I was working New Years Eve and instead of celebrating with all my co-workers I completely blanked out and as I was told by someone I just stared at the computer screen while everyone was at the window cheering , that's when I knew I needed to get some help and quick.
I met my wonderful Therapist and life coach 5 days later and she has been one of the most amazing people I've met in this city thus far and I've come across some fantastic people here, but she let me talk, and she let me vent. Who knew that I was so holding on too so much. It was crazy how I was even able to talk about issues from my childhood and recount them to her and not be ashamed by them. I learned that I hold so much in, because I had learned to be passive aggressive, and that when I unleash anger…I unleash with such rage that I can be off putting, or downright scary, since everyone is use to seeing my smiling.
On my trip to Alabama she contacted me and she told me that she knew that I wanted to get in the best shape I've ever been in and she felt like I had what it takes to take my body to the next level. Y'all when I apply myself I can make miracles happen. I met with a nutritionist and we discussed a strict diet plan for myself, and my workout routines, coupled with my things that will stimulate me body and mind.
So the first part of my New Me Journey started 6 weeks ago with me on pursuit to drastically redefine my body the healthy way. I get one cheat day a week, and I hardly take them because I love the journey that I'm on. I can only focus on one stage of my journey one day at a time. I've started on my Mind, and Now I'm on my Body, and when I get to where I want to be physically, I can begin the journey of my career (Theatre and Fitness.)
I'm not going to tell you that this journey is easy. My drink limit is 2 drinks A WEEK, and with that I usually choose my drink of choice (Gin and Tonic) after one I'm feeling it and I have to chase it with 3 glasses of water. I've not touched a Soda, pasta, or rice, or bread! With all the tempting food here in NYC it's very tempting for me to give in, so I grab a bag of nuts and got to town on them.
Yesterday while most were out, or a home, with friends, lover, and whatnot I spent the better part of my day with my Lover (The Gym) breaking my goals, it's the small victories right now for myself that keep me smiling. Bad days at work couldn't keep me from getting in a good workout in or depress me so much that I stress eat. I am not a vegetarian anymore…I kicked it just because what I want to do with my body I need the protein..and HELL, I love Chicken. NO SHAME!
I'm probably going to head out to California in May to go to the Blatino Oasis in Palm Springs and just see what the scene is like out there. I want to see something different.
Here's to Focusing FULLY on me. I learned a couple of nights ago that when I just focus on my career, getting better, and doing what Tyree needs to do everything WILL fall into place, because the extra stuff your heart desires comes when you're really ready for it and you've got your stuff together.
That's all for now. Cheers to my Journey…I'm happy again and that's saying a lot. I love this smile!
PEACE, LOVE, AND SHARE YOUR LIGHT!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Long Walk Home (The Past, Trust, Hope, and Grindr)
In my life I never seem to know how my day will unfold. In life I've come to realize that we're given bad days and sometimes we are given some pretty good days.
Tonight I did something I haven't done in awhile. I decided to take a walk and talk to God. I have my own personal relationship with God and sometimes I like to ignore the signs that he give me. Tonight I had to break down and sit on a bench in this bitter cold and have a 1-on-1 with him at 3 a.m. this morning.
Let me just say that I AM HUMAN and I AM NOT PERFECT. If there was one thing I want to completely get rid of in my life right now is bitterness. I'm just so done with carrying so much bitterness in my all areas of my life. Tonight I asked God why I've become this bitter and he took the word right out of my mouth. I am still not over what happened to me almost two years ago. Before I say anything any further, let me just say that I had to think long and hard about this confession or even wanting to write about it. I'm still heartbroken by what happened to me before I moved here to NYC. I was in a very serious relationship for over 2 1/2 years with someone that I'd fallen in love with. This wasn't a puppy dog love or anything like that. I had connected with this guy in away that I couldn't even describe. I won't recount my history with him on this blog, but I will say that I carry a lot of memories with this guy. The day we broke up I was completely caught off guard by everything and the finality of it. I had planned to propose to him after he returned from working his summer theatre job. I had everything mapped out and how I was going to do it, and I even had the ring. I guess I just don't understand why I'm coming to terms with all of this now? When we broke up over the phone, the next day I began to put up this facade of how I was really feeling, acting as if I was okay and I even made myself believe that I was okay…even up to this point. I've dated over 5 guys since then and whenever I try to shake myself of it, something triggers a flashback and I become so bitter and upset in the time that I invested and other things.
I know now that this has been a reason for my actions up till now. My reasons for not trusting anyone I date, my confidence, and much more. I don't trust because I feel like as soon as I began to trust they do something minor and my trust is shaken and that's not fair. I could go on and on, but that's not the point of all of this. Tonight I asked God, to watch over me, and I began to cry….I haven't cried public at all. I've kept tears locked away for a long time, because I kept whole self locked away and out of sight. I'm strong a lot, and I do that by being opinionated, a smart ass, and sometimes mean out of spite. I mean nothing by it. I'm quick to judge others actions and hold people to so high a standard that I even know I couldn't uphold what I'm asking for. I've let people come in and out of my life and most of the time I don't even fill like fighting for anyone, because I've had to fight so hard in the past for a relationship and losing in the end that, I don't want to fight for anything, because sometime I want to know I'm worth it, or that I'm worth fighting for. It's like YOU show me that I'm worth being in your life and I'll do my best to give you everything you need and want.
This week the past reared it's head and an EX texted me some messages that he had been receiving from a past co-worker of mine on his Grindr app. First let me say this. I HATE THOSE FUCKING APPS!!! I hate Grindr, Scruff, and OLD AS HELL Adam4Adam. It is HANDS DOWN the destroyer of relationships for Gay men. How are you supposed to be trying to be dating someone when you've got temptation at your finger tips? I'm not going to act like I haven't used the apps, I have..but I'm not trying to date someone and I'm not in a relationship with anyone. ANYWAY…I saw the messages that both parties were sending to each other and I couldn't help but laugh and not even be bothered with it. Both parties trying to prove something to me and for what? Neither of them owed me any explanation. I could've been really bitter and nasty towards both parties and it took ever ounce of my being to say to one of them "I'm done with you" and to say to the other "I trust you." When I said both things to the both of them I meant every word I said.
I've decided to walk the long way home tonight, talk to God, and let go of being bitter. Looks like I'm growing some more. It can only get better from here right? I sure do hope so!
Well g2g PEACE
Monday, February 24, 2014
Claiming It (The Next Five Years)
I've created this list of things that I want to do over the next 5 years and I want to try my best to make sure I make all of my plans come to fruition (That's my word for today.) Last night a friend and I were talking about what we plan to do in the next five years and I figure I'd write them down here on this here blog so I can keep up with them.
* On my 30th Birthday I'd like to spend my Birthday in Paris, France. People are welcome to come along with me, but I've been saying for so long that I want to do something BIG when I hit 30…I've got awhile..I'm only 27, but I want to go ahead and figure it out now and spare on expense on this trip.
* I'd like to find a guy that loves to read, write, travel and enjoys the arts as much as I do and have long meaningful conversations about art and whatever. I'd like to find a guy that can put up with my zany personality, but can also put me in my place when I'm wrong. I love to be right about EVERYTHING, but I do really get a kick out of good argument even when I know I'm dead wrong on the subject matter. I'd like to meet a guy who I can fully support in all of his goals and vice versa. Someone I can come home to after a long day and I can just hold them in my arms and recount the days events. (You see I put him in my five year plan because I know that the things I want out of guy take time and it's all trial and error.) I just want to meet a guy that where's his heart on his sleeve just like I do.
* I WANT/WILL have a Tony Award for Best Actor in A Play….need I say more?
* I'd like to also while keeping my passion in theatre get my another degree in Entertainment Law from NYU.
* I want to travel to South Africa.
* I want to own 3 tailored suits built for me and designed by me.
* I want to own a brand new car
* Open up my own Gym that caters to artist and their families (10 year plan)
With all of these things in mind I don't think I'm asking for too much, right? Haha I'm not really a complex guy! I dream big and whenever I dream big I always succeed in getting what I want.
Cheers to the next 5 years!
Well g2g
LOVE LIGHT AND PEACE!
* On my 30th Birthday I'd like to spend my Birthday in Paris, France. People are welcome to come along with me, but I've been saying for so long that I want to do something BIG when I hit 30…I've got awhile..I'm only 27, but I want to go ahead and figure it out now and spare on expense on this trip.
* I'd like to find a guy that loves to read, write, travel and enjoys the arts as much as I do and have long meaningful conversations about art and whatever. I'd like to find a guy that can put up with my zany personality, but can also put me in my place when I'm wrong. I love to be right about EVERYTHING, but I do really get a kick out of good argument even when I know I'm dead wrong on the subject matter. I'd like to meet a guy who I can fully support in all of his goals and vice versa. Someone I can come home to after a long day and I can just hold them in my arms and recount the days events. (You see I put him in my five year plan because I know that the things I want out of guy take time and it's all trial and error.) I just want to meet a guy that where's his heart on his sleeve just like I do.
* I WANT/WILL have a Tony Award for Best Actor in A Play….need I say more?
* I'd like to also while keeping my passion in theatre get my another degree in Entertainment Law from NYU.
* I want to travel to South Africa.
* I want to own 3 tailored suits built for me and designed by me.
* I want to own a brand new car
* Open up my own Gym that caters to artist and their families (10 year plan)
With all of these things in mind I don't think I'm asking for too much, right? Haha I'm not really a complex guy! I dream big and whenever I dream big I always succeed in getting what I want.
Cheers to the next 5 years!
Well g2g
LOVE LIGHT AND PEACE!
Friday, February 21, 2014
I'll Close My Tab.
I'm writing this at 1:37 in the a.m.
I swear I learn something new everyday about myself or I learn how to deal with things. I guess that's what this new journey for me is all about.
Tonight after work I was supposed to have a good night with friends. I was all for it in the beginning and I wanted to hangout with people and for an hour or so I was all about it. We went out to Barrage to catch the happy hour and I had my usual, a gin and tonic. I think my co-workers sitting next to me could tell that I wasn't really feeling as festive as I was trying to be. I started drifting off into my own thoughts tonight. I needed an escape. Tonight I wanted to be left alone in my own thoughts tonight. These are the kind of nights where if I were back home I'd just hop in my car and just drive and listen to music till I was tired and stop in a Huddle House and have breakfast and go back to my place and fall asleep. Alas I can't do that here at the moment because my car isn't here with me. Anyway, I had double booked myself with friends anyway and I ended up going to Queens and hanging out with a friend and being coaxed into going somewhere I'd never in all my time here in this city thought I'd going…We ended up going to Elmhurst and grabbing food at a Malaysian Restaurant. You know I really needed to explore all of NYC and it's nooks and crannies. Elmhurst is full of Asian culture everywhere…and more "authentic" asian food than in Hell's Kitchen. We ended up talking about everything under the sun until my friend looked down at his phone and as we looked around we were the last two in the place. We got our things and we left..and we walked all the way back up towards Queen's Boulevard.
We ended back up at his place where he has an awesome view of Burger King, and a strip club from his high rise apartment. Now this is where class began. I like to ask many questions when I'm learning something new. We talked about long-term relationships and how they work. I don't know why I was so comfortable talking to him about the longest relationship and the demise of that relationship, but it was almost as if by me actually talking about what happened I was beginning to heal. I learned about how He and his partner have made things work and the non-negotiables in there relationship. I was completely fascinated by all of this and everything he had to say. I could go on and on about what we talked about, but I think that's really for me to know and keep for myself as little reminders, but the one thing I really took from our conversation tonight was that everyone's love is different, everyone's relationships are different and seeking out "perfection" in a relationship isn't the way to go. I've got to accept them flaws and all and they the same. #truth.
I'll close my tab now I'm fully drunk on a bottle of "Life Lessons." I've got to learn how to trust again. I guess I have huge trust issues just because of what I've been through in the past and I'm afraid of being hurt again and vice versa. This is part of my breaking down my walls and just going with the flow of life.
I'm on little social media break right now in an effort to regain my own personal life some. I feel like I put too much of my emotions out there for the general public to see whether it's on Facebook of Twitter. and that's not the person I am or want to be. I do like to keep and air of mystery about myself. I'll return to my social media outlets someday, when I'm ready, but right now I just want to really put a effort in on working solely on me. This blog is partially and open window to me, but to really know me is make a true effort to get to know me.
My diet is still going strong and I'm headed down the right path. I'm going to do something pretty neat in the coming months with myself and I can't wait to reveal just what that is. Be patient with me…Stay tuned…you ain't seen nothing yet! ;)
Well g2g
Love, Light and Peace
;)
I swear I learn something new everyday about myself or I learn how to deal with things. I guess that's what this new journey for me is all about.
Tonight after work I was supposed to have a good night with friends. I was all for it in the beginning and I wanted to hangout with people and for an hour or so I was all about it. We went out to Barrage to catch the happy hour and I had my usual, a gin and tonic. I think my co-workers sitting next to me could tell that I wasn't really feeling as festive as I was trying to be. I started drifting off into my own thoughts tonight. I needed an escape. Tonight I wanted to be left alone in my own thoughts tonight. These are the kind of nights where if I were back home I'd just hop in my car and just drive and listen to music till I was tired and stop in a Huddle House and have breakfast and go back to my place and fall asleep. Alas I can't do that here at the moment because my car isn't here with me. Anyway, I had double booked myself with friends anyway and I ended up going to Queens and hanging out with a friend and being coaxed into going somewhere I'd never in all my time here in this city thought I'd going…We ended up going to Elmhurst and grabbing food at a Malaysian Restaurant. You know I really needed to explore all of NYC and it's nooks and crannies. Elmhurst is full of Asian culture everywhere…and more "authentic" asian food than in Hell's Kitchen. We ended up talking about everything under the sun until my friend looked down at his phone and as we looked around we were the last two in the place. We got our things and we left..and we walked all the way back up towards Queen's Boulevard.
We ended back up at his place where he has an awesome view of Burger King, and a strip club from his high rise apartment. Now this is where class began. I like to ask many questions when I'm learning something new. We talked about long-term relationships and how they work. I don't know why I was so comfortable talking to him about the longest relationship and the demise of that relationship, but it was almost as if by me actually talking about what happened I was beginning to heal. I learned about how He and his partner have made things work and the non-negotiables in there relationship. I was completely fascinated by all of this and everything he had to say. I could go on and on about what we talked about, but I think that's really for me to know and keep for myself as little reminders, but the one thing I really took from our conversation tonight was that everyone's love is different, everyone's relationships are different and seeking out "perfection" in a relationship isn't the way to go. I've got to accept them flaws and all and they the same. #truth.
I'll close my tab now I'm fully drunk on a bottle of "Life Lessons." I've got to learn how to trust again. I guess I have huge trust issues just because of what I've been through in the past and I'm afraid of being hurt again and vice versa. This is part of my breaking down my walls and just going with the flow of life.
I'm on little social media break right now in an effort to regain my own personal life some. I feel like I put too much of my emotions out there for the general public to see whether it's on Facebook of Twitter. and that's not the person I am or want to be. I do like to keep and air of mystery about myself. I'll return to my social media outlets someday, when I'm ready, but right now I just want to really put a effort in on working solely on me. This blog is partially and open window to me, but to really know me is make a true effort to get to know me.
My diet is still going strong and I'm headed down the right path. I'm going to do something pretty neat in the coming months with myself and I can't wait to reveal just what that is. Be patient with me…Stay tuned…you ain't seen nothing yet! ;)
Well g2g
Love, Light and Peace
;)
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I'm Just A Leaf That's Trying To Become Something Else.
So I had every intention to blog last night, but I was way too tired to do so.
Yesterday was actually a really nice relaxing day. A much needed one if you ask me. I got to spend a quiet afternoon with three of my closest friends here, Jordan, Logan, and Lindsey! What's a good day with Mimosas and several episodes and of "Drag Race" and just laughing with your friends? I call it a successful "President's Day!"
I can't really put into words the feeling I felt yesterday. It was like this calmness that I've been searching for finally came over me. I rehearsed super early in the a.m. and around noon I took my friend Maria's advice and thought at the box and went and had coffee with a new friend and then met up with my best friends here in this amazing city and it was just a wonderful day.
I'm starting to figure out what I want more out of my life. Yesterday was a day for me to r-e-l-a-x. I didn't answer many text and I just wanted to be in the moment with the people around me. I've been having some amazing talks with my co-worker Maria and she's been really helping me put a lot of things in perspective. I'm trying to grow-up, become a better man, and become a better me. I think my last night after our talk after work saw the shedding of my old self and the beginning of someone whose ready to go to do something else with my life. I don't think you'll be finding me at the club's that much anymore. To be completely honest..I'm so awkward at the clubs. I'm at my socially best at a lounge, or at a chill bar with some really good R&B music or Jazz. Now I'm not knocking the club scene at all, and I've had a great time at some of them, but I'm thinking out of the box and I want to attract the type of friends, or man that I can vibe with. Lately I've cut my drinking back a lot because of the diet I'm on. I'm sticking to Wine, and Gin for awhile. My tolerance for alcohol has lowered itself too. After two drink I've found myself throwing the towel in. By the second drink I know I'm in a good spot and I like to stay there the rest of the night.
I've come to realize that I'm chill and sophisticated guy. I'm not Cinderella and I don't want Prince Charming to come and swoop me off my feet. I'm really Prince Charming and I want to swoop the other guy of his feet. I've always been like that and when I moved here to NYC I feel like I lost a bit of it because I was wanting to be wild and crazy. I don't know what it is but since going back home and coming back here to NYC I feel like I've regained my composure and who I am and realizing I don't have to change just because I live in a different city. I don't have to fall into a stereotype at all. I can continue to conduct myself as a Southern Gentleman and not loose any sense of myself at all. What's a "Southern Boy to do" right? LOL
At this moment I'm grateful for my friends that really have been a positive influence in my life. They keep me grounded and keep me sane. I'm just so much more happier right now. It feels good to be regaining my sense of self. Change don't come easy. That Madea quote is ringing true for me right now.
"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.
I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.
Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.
But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live.
A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go." -Madea
I'm on my way to becoming a tree!
Well that's it for me!
LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!
Love you all!
Yesterday was actually a really nice relaxing day. A much needed one if you ask me. I got to spend a quiet afternoon with three of my closest friends here, Jordan, Logan, and Lindsey! What's a good day with Mimosas and several episodes and of "Drag Race" and just laughing with your friends? I call it a successful "President's Day!"
I can't really put into words the feeling I felt yesterday. It was like this calmness that I've been searching for finally came over me. I rehearsed super early in the a.m. and around noon I took my friend Maria's advice and thought at the box and went and had coffee with a new friend and then met up with my best friends here in this amazing city and it was just a wonderful day.
I'm starting to figure out what I want more out of my life. Yesterday was a day for me to r-e-l-a-x. I didn't answer many text and I just wanted to be in the moment with the people around me. I've been having some amazing talks with my co-worker Maria and she's been really helping me put a lot of things in perspective. I'm trying to grow-up, become a better man, and become a better me. I think my last night after our talk after work saw the shedding of my old self and the beginning of someone whose ready to go to do something else with my life. I don't think you'll be finding me at the club's that much anymore. To be completely honest..I'm so awkward at the clubs. I'm at my socially best at a lounge, or at a chill bar with some really good R&B music or Jazz. Now I'm not knocking the club scene at all, and I've had a great time at some of them, but I'm thinking out of the box and I want to attract the type of friends, or man that I can vibe with. Lately I've cut my drinking back a lot because of the diet I'm on. I'm sticking to Wine, and Gin for awhile. My tolerance for alcohol has lowered itself too. After two drink I've found myself throwing the towel in. By the second drink I know I'm in a good spot and I like to stay there the rest of the night.
I've come to realize that I'm chill and sophisticated guy. I'm not Cinderella and I don't want Prince Charming to come and swoop me off my feet. I'm really Prince Charming and I want to swoop the other guy of his feet. I've always been like that and when I moved here to NYC I feel like I lost a bit of it because I was wanting to be wild and crazy. I don't know what it is but since going back home and coming back here to NYC I feel like I've regained my composure and who I am and realizing I don't have to change just because I live in a different city. I don't have to fall into a stereotype at all. I can continue to conduct myself as a Southern Gentleman and not loose any sense of myself at all. What's a "Southern Boy to do" right? LOL
At this moment I'm grateful for my friends that really have been a positive influence in my life. They keep me grounded and keep me sane. I'm just so much more happier right now. It feels good to be regaining my sense of self. Change don't come easy. That Madea quote is ringing true for me right now.
"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.
I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.
Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.
But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live.
A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go." -Madea
I'm on my way to becoming a tree!
Well that's it for me!
LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!
Love you all!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Compliment from A Porn Star (This Blog is NOT for the Children..you've been warned)
I've been back in the city for about two weeks now.
The moment I stepped off the plane and I saw snow I really wanted to punch the weather in the face. Let me be frank…I hate New York snow. It only looks pretty the moment it falls and then a hour later it's brown and yellow from animals and humans. I'd really like to see this weather turn around soon. I this is my least favorite season in the city.
Well it's back to the grind. I went in for my callback earlier last week and I should be hearing back pretty soon. They even followed me on Twitter the other day so I'm wondering if they are checking me out social media wise too? If so it's all fine with me. I've got nothing to hide and I keep it pretty Pg-13 on all my social media stuff. I feel like I've come back home really refreshed and with a more positive attitude on a lot of things. If there is one thing I'm pretty known for it's my resilience to a lot of things. Before I left I went in on someone via text because I was sick and tired of everything that was going on. The next morning I re-read over some of what I sent and I really felt bad about it, but I think it was time to get at least some of what was going on off of my chest and even when I look back now I don't feel like I should feel bad about it. It's partially what I had to say and how I felt. I went home to get my balls back and I did. I just laughed at that! :) balls… hahah. What the future holds with that entire situation I really have no idea and it's really been on the back burner for me because I've gotten really busy with finding out what's the next route with me in life.
Believe it or not I'm still in my 20's and I've got a lot of magic still to do before I even see 30. I've just been thinking about what's best for Tyree right now and it's something I haven't done in a long time. I do for others a lot and sometimes I end up empty handed and it's time too turn that all around. I want to get my career back on track, and for all of you who don't know I'm going back to school in the fall or spring for either Law School or Secondary Education. While I was at home my parents took me out to eat and we talked about the possibilities of me going back to college to just have something else to fall back on. I don't want to be serving, counting someone else's money, or bar tending for the rest of my life. I know there's more to my life than that. My three main schools I have my eyes on are NYU Law School, Columbia Teachers College, and Brooklyn College. I've already scheduled a campus tour with Brooklyn College because it reminds me of Montevallo in the academic area. Parents are very involved with this and I actually like it, lets them be apart of my life although they are over 800 miles aways.
I've started back dieting…Oh they whoas of being a Gay man living in the city! Yeah, I'm on a low-carb diet that I've got to stick with till May. So far I've lost about 9 lbs, so I'm pretty satisfied right now. I've been doing a new workout routine that I like and so far my abs have hurt everyday. I don't want to give too much detail into what I'm doing just because I'm doing a "top secret" project and I can't really say anything till I'm done.
I go to the gym a lot. If anyone was to ask any of my friends where I am they would probably tell you "He's at the gym!" This is so true about me. I go to a new gym that recently opened and it has many different people that come through there and the other day was Chest day and let me say that I honestly don't go to my gym to check out other guys. I might glance or try to see what someone else is doing so I can try whatever they are doing later on myself, but the other day takes the cake. I was minding my business at bench press and this guy walks over to me while I'm working out and is just smiling. Now I will say I knew who this guy was because to be honest I might have seen him in some of the porn I've masturbated too. (I warned you.) I sit up and I kinda acknowledge him because I'm not a rude person so I nod and smile back and ask if he wants to use the bench. He says no and then says "I've been watching you for awhile now, you're getting lean." I said "Thanks" and was about to go back to working out and he said "I wonder what it would be like to wrestle with you under the sheets." BOOM!!! My mind goes blank, I give a blank stare, I felt like everybody in the gym heard him say that and I didn't even know the type of response that I should give to that. He looks at me and says "What? Can't take a compliment? You're hot dude get with it!" He smiles and walks off and I stand there looking like fool like someone had gave me some bad news. Afterwards it did make think that I should start being more appreciative and take compliments as they come and not be so shocked by them. I think this was due to the fact this was someone I know from a far..as in on porn websites, NYC events and parties around the city.
On that note I guess we can talk about where I'm at in relationships. Relationship is a very big word I've learned recently and I find myself learning what the meaning of that is. I've also learned that I don't know how to just "go on dates" with people. I generally rush things because I'm so use to being in a relationship and that's what I'm use too. I won't go into detail about my trials and tribulations of being in relationships because that's the past and it's going to stay there. Moving FORWARD, but I will let you all in on this. A lot of my friends are boo'ed up with people and I find myself not in the least bit envious at all. But right now I'm very to myself, I can be very picky, but at the same time I'm very patient with waiting on the universe with whatever it has for me and I will wait on that! Whether I'm dating someone and that blossoms into something more then that's AMAZING. If not it's a lesson learned. Reasons and Seasons. I stay doing things in my job and my career, and I'm trying to grow in my career and as person so that I really can be the best man for someone out there and in turn they be the best man for me. I've always said I'm not the type of guy who needs the attention from others by saying "I'm single" or "I'm lonely and I need a man." The thirst here in NYC is alive and well and the pickings are great, but I'm taking the time to take care of Tyree first and foremost. I feel like when someone notices that you aren't thirsty like the rest, or they notice that you are concentrating on you and they respect that, then that's the type of guy I want to be with. I'll be good to you if you're good to me. Until then it's continued growth for me as a person.
Well my hands are tired…hope you enjoyed!
PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT!
P.S. Remember to share your light! ;)
The moment I stepped off the plane and I saw snow I really wanted to punch the weather in the face. Let me be frank…I hate New York snow. It only looks pretty the moment it falls and then a hour later it's brown and yellow from animals and humans. I'd really like to see this weather turn around soon. I this is my least favorite season in the city.
Well it's back to the grind. I went in for my callback earlier last week and I should be hearing back pretty soon. They even followed me on Twitter the other day so I'm wondering if they are checking me out social media wise too? If so it's all fine with me. I've got nothing to hide and I keep it pretty Pg-13 on all my social media stuff. I feel like I've come back home really refreshed and with a more positive attitude on a lot of things. If there is one thing I'm pretty known for it's my resilience to a lot of things. Before I left I went in on someone via text because I was sick and tired of everything that was going on. The next morning I re-read over some of what I sent and I really felt bad about it, but I think it was time to get at least some of what was going on off of my chest and even when I look back now I don't feel like I should feel bad about it. It's partially what I had to say and how I felt. I went home to get my balls back and I did. I just laughed at that! :) balls… hahah. What the future holds with that entire situation I really have no idea and it's really been on the back burner for me because I've gotten really busy with finding out what's the next route with me in life.
Believe it or not I'm still in my 20's and I've got a lot of magic still to do before I even see 30. I've just been thinking about what's best for Tyree right now and it's something I haven't done in a long time. I do for others a lot and sometimes I end up empty handed and it's time too turn that all around. I want to get my career back on track, and for all of you who don't know I'm going back to school in the fall or spring for either Law School or Secondary Education. While I was at home my parents took me out to eat and we talked about the possibilities of me going back to college to just have something else to fall back on. I don't want to be serving, counting someone else's money, or bar tending for the rest of my life. I know there's more to my life than that. My three main schools I have my eyes on are NYU Law School, Columbia Teachers College, and Brooklyn College. I've already scheduled a campus tour with Brooklyn College because it reminds me of Montevallo in the academic area. Parents are very involved with this and I actually like it, lets them be apart of my life although they are over 800 miles aways.
I've started back dieting…Oh they whoas of being a Gay man living in the city! Yeah, I'm on a low-carb diet that I've got to stick with till May. So far I've lost about 9 lbs, so I'm pretty satisfied right now. I've been doing a new workout routine that I like and so far my abs have hurt everyday. I don't want to give too much detail into what I'm doing just because I'm doing a "top secret" project and I can't really say anything till I'm done.
I go to the gym a lot. If anyone was to ask any of my friends where I am they would probably tell you "He's at the gym!" This is so true about me. I go to a new gym that recently opened and it has many different people that come through there and the other day was Chest day and let me say that I honestly don't go to my gym to check out other guys. I might glance or try to see what someone else is doing so I can try whatever they are doing later on myself, but the other day takes the cake. I was minding my business at bench press and this guy walks over to me while I'm working out and is just smiling. Now I will say I knew who this guy was because to be honest I might have seen him in some of the porn I've masturbated too. (I warned you.) I sit up and I kinda acknowledge him because I'm not a rude person so I nod and smile back and ask if he wants to use the bench. He says no and then says "I've been watching you for awhile now, you're getting lean." I said "Thanks" and was about to go back to working out and he said "I wonder what it would be like to wrestle with you under the sheets." BOOM!!! My mind goes blank, I give a blank stare, I felt like everybody in the gym heard him say that and I didn't even know the type of response that I should give to that. He looks at me and says "What? Can't take a compliment? You're hot dude get with it!" He smiles and walks off and I stand there looking like fool like someone had gave me some bad news. Afterwards it did make think that I should start being more appreciative and take compliments as they come and not be so shocked by them. I think this was due to the fact this was someone I know from a far..as in on porn websites, NYC events and parties around the city.
On that note I guess we can talk about where I'm at in relationships. Relationship is a very big word I've learned recently and I find myself learning what the meaning of that is. I've also learned that I don't know how to just "go on dates" with people. I generally rush things because I'm so use to being in a relationship and that's what I'm use too. I won't go into detail about my trials and tribulations of being in relationships because that's the past and it's going to stay there. Moving FORWARD, but I will let you all in on this. A lot of my friends are boo'ed up with people and I find myself not in the least bit envious at all. But right now I'm very to myself, I can be very picky, but at the same time I'm very patient with waiting on the universe with whatever it has for me and I will wait on that! Whether I'm dating someone and that blossoms into something more then that's AMAZING. If not it's a lesson learned. Reasons and Seasons. I stay doing things in my job and my career, and I'm trying to grow in my career and as person so that I really can be the best man for someone out there and in turn they be the best man for me. I've always said I'm not the type of guy who needs the attention from others by saying "I'm single" or "I'm lonely and I need a man." The thirst here in NYC is alive and well and the pickings are great, but I'm taking the time to take care of Tyree first and foremost. I feel like when someone notices that you aren't thirsty like the rest, or they notice that you are concentrating on you and they respect that, then that's the type of guy I want to be with. I'll be good to you if you're good to me. Until then it's continued growth for me as a person.
Well my hands are tired…hope you enjoyed!
PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT!
P.S. Remember to share your light! ;)
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Darkness Goes On Vacation
Since coming home I've been more compelled to write more and really center myself some..
Have you ever come across someone that you can just see darkness looming over them? Over the past year or so I've felt like darkness has been looming over me with a few peaks of sunshine here and there. The past couple of days that I've been here at home they have been life lesson after life lesson. Yesterday while me and my mother were alone she decided to ask questions about some past issues that I've had and let me preface by saying my mother can read me like a book and even if I try to dance around it she will bring the truth out of me even before I'm even able to recognize the truth myself. I swear my mother is like a some type of magical being. So as some of you are aware I'm out to my entire family as I've said in many past posts…well now it's time to let the cat out of the bag and come out of the darkness and shed some truths and share my light…
Walk with me…
As my mother and I were sitting on the couch watching the whole Wendy Williams melt down about her son…my mother revealed to me that she has felt like that with me. I looked at her and began to weep. I am by no means the perfect son/person and I've learned to stop being that or putting up this facade that I am. She really wanted to know what had been going on with me over the last year. First starting with my weight loss over the summer. The very first thing she said was "Who triggered it?" She told me that when I sent her a picture of me at the beginning of the summer that she wept so much because she knew in her heart that somebody caused that to happen and she almost came up to New York, My mom doesn't play and I knew I couldn't keep her in the dark about what really the true factor was. *Before I go on I must say that there were many factors that contributed to my drastic weight-loss, but there was a moment where an image was posted that was the straw that broke the camels back.* In the field I work in your image plays a lot into your success and how you are perceived as an actor. You want to look your best and you also want to be at your best mentally and physically. I'm very at ease in saying that I've always had an image problem and that is something that I personally deal with on a day to day basis and everyday I get better, and let me say before I go on that this is in no way a reflection on the person that posted said picture, but the moment I began to hit my all time insecure moment just happened to come from someone I was dating at the time. They decided to post a image of another male barely clothed and make comments on it that weren't in what I thought were good taste for someone who was dating someone. At the time I did say something about it and addressed the situation as best as I could at the time, and dismissed it. In the back of my mind all I could think about was "Am I not good enough, and here is what I need to do!" I began to workout like crazy. I was doing two-a-day's… everyday! It became about being better for that person to make things work in our relationship, because I thought that if this person is projecting this image on their page and making comments about it then something is wrong with ME. This is where my mother hit me with a quote that hasn't left my mind yet. She said "You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, & what you reinforce." She knew that I hadn't truly reinforced how I really felt about the image or how it was really making me feel. I think it's fare to say that we as Gay men sometimes get caught up in seeking attention or approval from our peers. I'm even privy to this same crime too! We don't think about the other person and how they might feel about something or how it even might effect them. Whether it's an image, words, or actions. We've set this standard on what being gay and what beauty is and sometimes I think we've set the bar SO HIGH we've forgotten a few things along the way.
I'm writing today because I want to share my light with you all. My light is my knowledge and I sometimes think that my knowledge is taken for granted by others because I've resorted to being silent and not reinforcing how I feel or how I've been made to feel. This blog could totally be about me and some of it is..but I want this blog to be a true testament on how I want to help others and how I like to help others. I posted a Facebook status today about how sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. What I said is so very true. I moved to New York to start a new life, it wasn't just about making it on Broadway or becoming a superstar. I needed a new start. My life living in Alabama was taking me nowhere and I scraped and saved every penny I could so I could move to NYC. I made huge sacrifices to call the Big Apple my home and very few people know the sacrifice I and another person made for my move. I could go on and on about the trials and tribulations the city has put me through, but in the end none of that matters because the person whose writing this blog right now is not the same person that moved to New York a year and a half ago. I was torn down and put back together and this time I did it myself and with the help of some really good friends. I began to seek help with what was going on with me. It's true when they say "The first step is admitting you need help." I had a let an image become the personification of what I thought it meant to be black and gay. I thought I had to become this nubian adonis to keep someones attention. Coming home and going out to the bars and clubs just reminded me of other reasons I left Alabama. My image changed some and other gay men who I knew wouldn't give me the time or day or belonged in a certain social circle or clique….and even a Drag Queen propositioned me or asked me out. My boy Zach said something last night that struck a chord with me and he said "We give off a different vibe, we dress nice, we're cute, but we don't fit in their circles, and we don't want too!" When he said that I thought to myself "That's what makes me somebody and that's what makes me different from the rest. I don't have to change who I am to be good for someone else. I also don't have cater to them as well. I've also learned to start sticking up for myself and not being quiet about how I feel about anything that my harm or bother me. It doesn't just got for relationships it goes for everyday life.
That song by Beyonce *FLAWLESS… She says "My mother taught me good home training, My father taught me how how to love my haters, My sister (in my case brother) taught me how to speak my mind…" My family taught me the same things.
I have no hate or ill will against anyone that's made me feel bad about myself image in the past. I'm glad I'm in a good place to talk about it and not be ashamed This is just one of many incidents. I know now to say "Hey, this right here is really hurting me and this stuff your doing right here is not okay. Stop it." Because if I don't say that then I'm letting the person think that this is normal and acceptable when it's not. On the flip side of that, I know, that I wouldn't want to make anyone feel that way and I would really question myself as a person and my intentions. This alone has made me warn people about what they portray on their social media pages. You are at liberty to do what you want, but you have to be so careful about how you portray yourself especially if you are married, friends or whatever the situation might be.
Today my mother gave me my light, and my light is not just for me, but for others. I just hope this reaches anyone who might have a problem that this somehow will guide you.
Whenever you turn a light on darkness goes on vacation.
PEACE AND LOVE
P.S.
FORGIVE (Face the facts, Oust the anger, Remember the offense, Give the benefit of the doubt, Imagine what forgiveness feels like, Value the experience, Embrace forgiveness)
I already have…
Thursday, January 23, 2014
What is this smile on my face? I've missed you!
The joys of being home!
Well..I'm back home in Alabama for a short period of time and it's been really great so far. I landed back in town on Monday afternoon on a jet plane (Ok, Mom and Dad!) and we kicked off the celebration by having Christmas and a Fish Fry all in one day…now that's a welcome home that I can't complain about. It's been really great spending time with my Mom and Dad. The first night I laid in the bed with my Mom and talked to her until she fell asleep. I know she's so happy that I'm finally home. Since being home I've not taken one single moment with my family for granted. Now that my entire family is aware that I'm Gay it hasn't been a factor in my visit at all. My next step is to date someone and bring them home to my family…lord they would probably geek out about how funny my family is.
My brother Bryan has been a HILARIOUS since day one and still to this day he continues to make my sides hurt because of his stories and his on liners. He will crack a joke about you and you'll laugh too. Hands down Bryan is one of the most honest people I know and that's one person I know has been himself since day one with NO regrets about it.
On Tuesday I found a Planet Fitness…and of course I was in hog heaven and spent 2 hours in there. Mainly coming up with some new workout material for Peter to start on when I get back to NYC. I'm really glad to be getting Physical Training work right now during this slow season that's about to hit. Later on my Dad and I got drunk in my bedroom and passed out..we were supposed to go see a movie…womp womp!
Yesterday I was reunited with my HOMIES Matt Smith and Zach Gallman. Believe it or not from the moment all 3 of us were together it was like time had not passed at all. We clicked like we had never been apart from each other. We talked about how life was treating us and everything under the sun. I've missed these boys a lot! Whenever I was going through ANYTHING they really were always there. From College to Now hold nothing back and we keep it 100% honest with each other and that's been the true bond to this friendship. Although I don't say it all the time they both know I love them a lot and I'm grateful for them.
I've run into so many people on my trip home and I've been able to hangout with some beautiful people (Michael Williams, Karen Black, Brian Muffley) too! I will see more people too.
As I sit here and write all of this and I'm aware I'm leaving so much out because so much has been going on so far…but I've got the BIGGEST smile on my face right now. I'm so happy…I can't even put into words how happy I am right now. Coming home has been the biggest breath of fresh air that I needed. The last two weeks for my in NYC have been one of stress, anger, bitterness, and being upset about things that are just completely out of character for me. I love to bring people joy, I love to laugh, I love to smile, and joke around..and I felt like people and the city were sucking that shit right out of me. I couldn't focus on writing, I was slacking on my auditions and just being in the pits with people, work and so much more. I honestly owed myself this visit. I needed to regroup and re-evaluate what I came to NYC for. Before I left I auditioned for The Book of Mormon and I told myself to leave my situations and problems at the door before I went in that room. I've been really wanting to do a show for awhile..but I got kinda turned off to being called back so many times and not landing a job that it was starting to eat at me just a bit…honestly I've been that guy that's cried on the subway because of the stress of an audition, and missing work because of it, or letting myself get to hyped up because of it. I'm one emotional creature..haha :)
After I finish the other half of my vacation I think I'm even more ready to take the reigns of my life and get back to me. I don't have time for the games..it's back to business and what I came to that city to do. I'm putting all focus and attention into my career that I got a degree for and I've been dreaming about since performing The Lion King for my parents in our living room at 8 yrs. old! I'm also bringing this BIG ASS SMILE back too and not letting anyone take it away. I got rapped up in the nonsense and Tyree Walker doesn't have time for the foolishness. I've got a path to continue to pave and I've dreams that I can't let die, and I've also got a lot of love to give to EVERYONE. It's back to business folks! Forgive and forget! Get ready NYC…you ain't seen nothing yet!
PEACE
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Where Did My Confidence Go?
2014..I wonder what you have to offer.
I'm settled in and I'm ready to write. I've got a lot on my mind.
Tonight I'm thinking about a lot of things. I'm thinking about where I want to be in my life, and everything that come a long with that. I made it though 2013 and it had its highs and lows but I wouldn't take not one single moment of it for granted. This year I'm not making any resolutions because I don't feel that resolutions are really my thing. This year I just want to make things right for myself and along the way right for others too. My mother and I had a very in depth conversation a couple of nights ago and we talked about how I'm not the same Tyree that everyone use to know and that somewhere along the way I lost confidence in myself. That was one major factor I think my Mom hit right on the head…isn't it funny when your Mom is right ALL THE TIME even when you don't really like to admit it?
Confidence…that's what I lost. I lost my confidence. I lost my confidence about life,love, and happiness. When a person loses confidence a lot can go down. I haven't been very candid about my life before and it really shocked me when a reader of this blog came up to me and told me that this blog was probably the first time they ever felt like I was giving an actually glimpse into who I am as a person. To them I was the person that everyone could tell there life story too, but yet I'd never tell mine or let them into my own personal space. I couldn't help but that this person was right. I've learned that I'm very good at building walls. When I don't want to get to personal about myself I will construct a wall so quick that you would never know I'd built it until it appeared in front of you. It's actually been that tearing down this wall that's really been eye opening for me. I've made some very big decisions lately some for myself. With restoring my confidence is I'm going to start speaking my mind a lot more. It's time for me to stop letting people just treat me anyway they see fit or say things to me and it be "okay." When I say that I'm going to start speaking my mind. I'm going to be completely open about how I feel or how I've been made to feel. It's not me being malicious or catty but it's been honesty and saying "This is how you made me feel about this myself or this situation." It's also me being more proactive and assertive about how I allow people to treat me.
Next up…making time for others. Point blank I'm going to be doing my best to make time for people in my life. Usually when I get caught up dating someone or NOW (WORK) I don't make time for others because I get caught up. With that though I do expect the same respect back. I do feel like that if someone goes out of there way to rearrange there schedule for you and make the time to be apart of your life and you in theirs, show some respect and show up! I'm guilty of this as well on many levels, but I'm going to change that. I'm thankful for people in my life like Ayesha and Shantay who openly call me out when I don't show up and spend time with them and they do it out of pure love for me…and that's respect. I'm also going to learn from them and do the same to other people that I make time for, and just start calling them out on their bullshit.
This is the year of me being open and honest about myself, and who I am, and what I expect from myself and others. The other day I was talking to a group of friends and I was explaining to them how I feel that a lot of people see me as being a lot younger than I actually am and I feel like I've experienced that in past relationship too. I had remind someone that I'm a 27 years old MAN…and I don't like being talked down to like I'm a teenager or newbie. I'm a grown ass man and I want to be talked to as one and respected like one.
I'm more focused on making it in my career field. I want to make a difference in my community and I want to give, and give..but I don't want to lose my sense of self and my worth.
As far as future relationships are concerned the old assertive, and dominate Tyree will be back in full effect. I think I come off as passive in relationships and I know now it was due to insecurities with myself and how I allowed myself to be treated or talked too. Not this time. Funny Grindr side story…the fact that every man on their hits me up and is pretty sure I'm a bottom baffles the shit out of me because I don't reveal if I'm a top or bottom to them. You can't tell me what I am LOL. I know what I am and that's for whoever I'm dating to know. That's something else that's going to disappear out of my life Grindr and all the other crazy gay sex apps out there. In 2013 all I ever saw it do was cause trouble for other people and I'm not about that life.
That was a lot…
Here's to a new year and Confidence!
PEACE! :)
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