The Long Walk Home (The Past, Trust, Hope, and Grindr)

In my life I never seem to know how my day will unfold. In life I've come to realize that we're given bad days and sometimes we are given some pretty good days.

Tonight I did something I haven't done in awhile. I decided to take a walk and talk to God. I have my own personal relationship with God and sometimes I like to ignore the signs that he give me. Tonight I had to break down and sit on a bench in this bitter cold and have a 1-on-1 with him at 3 a.m. this morning.

Let me just say that I AM HUMAN and I AM NOT PERFECT. If there was one thing I want to completely get rid of in my life right now is bitterness. I'm just so done with carrying so much bitterness in my all areas of my life. Tonight I asked God why I've become this bitter and he took the word right out of my mouth. I am still not over what happened to me almost two years ago. Before I say anything any further, let me just say that I had to think long and hard about this confession or even wanting to write about it. I'm still heartbroken by what happened to me before I moved here to NYC. I was in a very serious relationship for over 2 1/2 years with someone that I'd fallen in love with. This wasn't a puppy dog love or anything like that. I had connected with this guy in away that I couldn't even describe. I won't recount my history with him on this blog, but I will say that I carry a lot of memories with this guy. The day we broke up I was completely caught off guard by everything and the finality of it. I had planned to propose to him after he returned from working his summer theatre job. I had everything mapped out and how I was going to do it, and I even had the ring. I guess I just don't understand why I'm coming to terms with all of this now? When we broke up over the phone, the next day I began to put up this facade of how I was really feeling, acting as if I was okay and I even made myself believe that I was okay…even up to this point. I've dated over 5 guys since then and whenever I try to shake myself of it, something triggers a flashback and I become so bitter and upset in the time that I invested and other things.

I know now that this has been a reason for my actions up till now. My reasons for not trusting anyone I date, my confidence, and much more. I don't trust because I feel like as soon as I began to trust they do something minor and my trust is shaken and that's not fair. I could go on and on, but that's not the point of all of this. Tonight I asked God, to watch over me, and I began to cry….I haven't cried public at all. I've kept tears locked away for a long time, because I kept whole self locked away and out of sight. I'm strong a lot, and I do that by being opinionated, a smart ass, and sometimes mean out of spite. I mean nothing by it. I'm quick to judge others actions and hold people to so high a standard that I even know I couldn't uphold what I'm asking for. I've let people come in and out of my life and most of the time I don't even fill like fighting for anyone, because I've had to fight so hard in the past for a relationship and losing in the end that, I don't want to fight for anything, because sometime I want to know I'm worth it, or that I'm worth fighting for. It's like YOU show me that I'm worth being in your life and I'll do my best to give you everything you need and want.

This week the past reared it's head and an EX texted me some messages that he had been receiving from a past co-worker of mine on his Grindr app. First let me say this. I HATE THOSE FUCKING APPS!!! I hate Grindr, Scruff, and OLD AS HELL Adam4Adam. It is HANDS DOWN the destroyer of relationships for Gay men. How are you supposed to be trying to be dating someone when you've got temptation at your finger tips? I'm not going to act like I haven't used the apps, I have..but I'm not trying to date someone and I'm not in a relationship with anyone. ANYWAY…I saw the messages that both parties were sending to each other and I couldn't help but laugh and not even be bothered with it. Both parties trying to prove something to me and for what? Neither of them owed me any explanation. I could've been really bitter and nasty towards both parties and it took ever ounce of my being to say to one of them "I'm done with you" and to say to the other "I trust you." When I said both things to the both of them I meant every word I said.

I've decided to walk the long way home tonight, talk to God, and let go of being bitter. Looks like I'm growing some more. It can only get better from here right? I sure do hope so!

Well g2g PEACE