Dear No One, This Is Your Love Song

The dreaded phone conversation you don't want to have because it brings out so many emotions in you that even after you've hung up, you beginning to question everything you've done…

Honesty…

Trust…

Openess…

and

Faithfullness…


These are four important words to me. Why these words you ask? If there are three people that I've begun to divulge a lot of my life too, it would have to be my Mother, Jordan, and my Father. I say my Father last because today was the first time he brought up something that up until now I've not been willing or even ready to talk about. Back in November I came out to my entire family, albeit not on my own terms, or in the way I'd like to have had it done in, but I am OUT. To my surprise it was a secret to nobody.

Yesterday my father asked me a question that sent my mind into deep thought and it lead me into opening my thoughts up on this subject to him. He asked if I were seeing anyone serious. Let the record stand clear that Yes, I Undra (Andre) Tyree Walker am a Bachelor…simply put I am single. My Dad's answer "but why?" Maybe it's a southern thing and maybe because my parents are generally worried about me. He really wanted to know why I was not seeing anyone. He said of all the men in the world who NEED to be single, Son you aren't one of them. I chuckled and laughed and I thanked him for the compliment, but I told him that it was much tougher than it seems for me. I began to tell it all and lay it down as to why I'm single.

When I first moved here to New York I went on a dating frenzy, and a little bit of a wild sex phase that some said was overdue for me. I tried to date this one guy, but found everything he said so annoying that I got off at the next subway station and caught the next train, because of his arrogant comment. I rebounded back and started seeing another guy and through a serious of complications, my own insecurities, and self-doubt it abruptly came to an end last January. After that I began seeing another guy and he took me to my lowest of lows and for awhile I shut myself off to the possibilities of anyone else. This past October I met a young man who presented himself…even though he was 8 years younger than me, yep, not even 21! And for two months he and I would be off and on, and off and on! One thing I will say His maturity surpassed his age and that is one of the most amazing things about him. I've dated men older than him and myself, but his maturity takes the cake for sure. With all that being said I still find myself at the cross roads in my life.

To be completely honest I feel like I've become numb to the thought of a relationship just because of the bitter taste they have left in my mouth, but do I yearn for one? Yes! Yes, I do. This past week I reconnected with and Ex who wanted to know what He'd done wrong in our relationship. If He'd asked me a few months ago I would have hit him with a side-eye and politely have said…NO. Up to that point between him and I was harboring some very bitter feelings toward him. To be quiet honest He was one of the main reasons for my shut down from giving other people chances, and me deep inside not wanting to be with anybody else. All I could ever think about was how easy it is for someone to be able to bounce back so fast into this search for love, while leaving the other person with some many questions, and in limbo. How could anyone just rightfully do that to someone and think it's okay? Not fair…but is it?
Being where I'm at now and in this new found confidence and new journey I'm on I obliged and I told him what I was going through during us and the aftermath of us and it was…so good. I got that weight off my chest that I'd been carrying for over a year.

Has that turned me off to wanting something real? No! Not at all. I think it all starts at where I want to be in life. A lot of my friends are in relationships or budding relationships. Tonight I attended a dinner where it was just me, two couples, and a mutual friend. I wasn't bothered at all. I'm feeling my own skin out right now…I'm learning. I came across a song by Tori Kelly and that song says what I'm feeling word for word. It's me all the way through. Maybe I'll fall in love again and not be afraid too. Maybe I won't repeat the same mistakes and be more open and not so closed off to the people I'm dating. Maybe this time I will give love a chance again…So if you're out there I swear to be good to you, but I'm done looking for my future someone, because when the times is right he'll be here right beside me and it will have been worth the wait.

Dear No One…

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do.

I like being by myself,
Don't gotta entertain anybody else,
No one to answer to.

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold,
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold,
Got that young love even when we're old.

Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand,
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man.
I will love you 'til the end.

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you,
But I'm done looking
For my future someone,
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooh!!

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeahh!

But I'd love to have a soul mate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old

Yeah, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you 'til the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
Cause I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody), this is your love song...