Darkness Goes On Vacation

Since coming home I've been more compelled to write more and really center myself some..

Have you ever come across someone that you can just see darkness looming over them? Over the past year or so I've felt like darkness has been looming over me with a few peaks of sunshine here and there. The past couple of days that I've been here at home they have been life lesson after life lesson. Yesterday while me and my mother were alone she decided to ask questions about some past issues that I've had and let me preface by saying my mother can read me like a book and even if I try to dance around it she will bring the truth out of me even before I'm even able to recognize the truth myself. I swear my mother is like a some type of magical being. So as some of you are aware I'm out to my entire family as I've said in many past posts…well now it's time to let the cat out of the bag and come out of the darkness and shed some truths and share my light…

Walk with me…

As my mother and I were sitting on the couch watching the whole Wendy Williams melt down about her son…my mother revealed to me that she has felt like that with me. I looked at her and began to weep. I am by no means the perfect son/person and I've learned to stop being that or putting up this facade that I am. She really wanted to know what had been going on with me over the last year. First starting with my weight loss over the summer. The very first thing she said was "Who triggered it?" She told me that when I sent her a picture of me at the beginning of the summer that she wept so much because she knew in her heart that somebody caused that to happen and she almost came up to New York, My mom doesn't play and I knew I couldn't keep her in the dark about what really the true factor was. *Before I go on I must say that there were many factors that contributed to my drastic weight-loss, but there was a moment where an image was posted that was the straw that broke the camels back.* In the field I work in your image plays a lot into your success and how you are perceived as an actor. You want to look your best and you also want to be at your best mentally and physically. I'm very at ease in saying that I've always had an image problem and that is something that I personally deal with on a day to day basis and everyday I get better, and let me say before I go on that this is in no way a reflection on the person that posted said picture, but the moment I began to hit my all time insecure moment just happened to come from someone I was dating at the time. They decided to post a image of another male barely clothed and make comments on it that weren't in what I thought were good taste for someone who was dating someone. At the time I did say something about it and addressed the situation as best as I could at the time, and dismissed it. In the back of my mind all I could think about was "Am I not good enough, and here is what I need to do!" I began to workout like crazy. I was doing two-a-day's… everyday! It became about being better for that person to make things work in our relationship, because I thought that if this person is projecting this image on their page and making comments about it then something is wrong with ME. This is where my mother hit me with a quote that hasn't left my mind yet. She said "You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, & what you reinforce." She knew that I hadn't truly reinforced how I really felt about the image or how it was really making me feel. I think it's fare to say that we as Gay men sometimes get caught up in seeking attention or approval from our peers. I'm even privy to this same crime too! We don't think about the other person and how they might feel about something or how it even might effect them. Whether it's an image, words, or actions. We've set this standard on what being gay and what beauty is and sometimes I think we've set the bar SO HIGH we've forgotten a few things along the way.

I'm writing today because I want to share my light with you all. My light is my knowledge and I sometimes think that my knowledge is taken for granted by others because I've resorted to being silent and not reinforcing how I feel or how I've been made to feel. This blog could totally be about me and some of it is..but I want this blog to be a true testament on how I want to help others and how I like to help others. I posted a Facebook status today about how sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. What I said is so very true. I moved to New York to start a new life, it wasn't just about making it on Broadway or becoming a superstar. I needed a new start. My life living in Alabama was taking me nowhere and I scraped and saved every penny I could so I could move to NYC. I made huge sacrifices to call the Big Apple my home and very few people know the sacrifice I and another person made for my move. I could go on and on about the trials and tribulations the city has put me through, but in the end none of that matters because the person whose writing this blog right now is not the same person that moved to New York a year and a half ago. I was torn down and put back together and this time I did it myself and with the help of some really good friends. I began to seek help with what was going on with me. It's true when they say "The first step is admitting you need help." I had a let an image become the personification of what I thought it meant to be black and gay. I thought I had to become this nubian adonis to keep someones attention. Coming home and going out to the bars and clubs just reminded me of other reasons I left Alabama. My image changed some and other gay men who I knew wouldn't give me the time or day or belonged in a certain social circle or clique….and even a Drag Queen propositioned me or asked me out. My boy Zach said something last night that struck a chord with me and he said "We give off a different vibe, we dress nice, we're cute, but we don't fit in their circles, and we don't want too!" When he said that I thought to myself "That's what makes me somebody and that's what makes me different from the rest. I don't have to change who I am to be good for someone else. I also don't have cater to them as well. I've also learned to start sticking up for myself and not being quiet about how I feel about anything that my harm or bother me. It doesn't just got for relationships it goes for everyday life.

That song by Beyonce *FLAWLESS… She says "My mother taught me good home training, My father taught me how how to love my haters, My sister (in my case brother) taught me how to speak my mind…" My family taught me the same things.

I have no hate or ill will against anyone that's made me feel bad about myself image in the past. I'm glad I'm in a good place to talk about it and not be ashamed This is just one of many incidents. I know now to say "Hey, this right here is really hurting me and this stuff your doing right here is not okay. Stop it." Because if I don't say that then I'm letting the person think that this is normal and acceptable when it's not. On the flip side of that, I know, that I wouldn't want to make anyone feel that way and I would really question myself as a person and my intentions. This alone has made me warn people about what they portray on their social media pages. You are at liberty to do what you want, but you have to be so careful about how you portray yourself especially if you are married, friends or whatever the situation might be.

Today my mother gave me my light, and my light is not just for me, but for others. I just hope this reaches anyone who might have a problem that this somehow will guide you.

Whenever you turn a light on darkness goes on vacation.

PEACE AND LOVE

P.S.

FORGIVE (Face the facts, Oust the anger, Remember the offense, Give the benefit of the doubt, Imagine what forgiveness feels like, Value the experience, Embrace forgiveness)


I already have…