Dear No One, This Is Your Love Song

The dreaded phone conversation you don't want to have because it brings out so many emotions in you that even after you've hung up, you beginning to question everything you've done…

Honesty…

Trust…

Openess…

and

Faithfullness…


These are four important words to me. Why these words you ask? If there are three people that I've begun to divulge a lot of my life too, it would have to be my Mother, Jordan, and my Father. I say my Father last because today was the first time he brought up something that up until now I've not been willing or even ready to talk about. Back in November I came out to my entire family, albeit not on my own terms, or in the way I'd like to have had it done in, but I am OUT. To my surprise it was a secret to nobody.

Yesterday my father asked me a question that sent my mind into deep thought and it lead me into opening my thoughts up on this subject to him. He asked if I were seeing anyone serious. Let the record stand clear that Yes, I Undra (Andre) Tyree Walker am a Bachelor…simply put I am single. My Dad's answer "but why?" Maybe it's a southern thing and maybe because my parents are generally worried about me. He really wanted to know why I was not seeing anyone. He said of all the men in the world who NEED to be single, Son you aren't one of them. I chuckled and laughed and I thanked him for the compliment, but I told him that it was much tougher than it seems for me. I began to tell it all and lay it down as to why I'm single.

When I first moved here to New York I went on a dating frenzy, and a little bit of a wild sex phase that some said was overdue for me. I tried to date this one guy, but found everything he said so annoying that I got off at the next subway station and caught the next train, because of his arrogant comment. I rebounded back and started seeing another guy and through a serious of complications, my own insecurities, and self-doubt it abruptly came to an end last January. After that I began seeing another guy and he took me to my lowest of lows and for awhile I shut myself off to the possibilities of anyone else. This past October I met a young man who presented himself…even though he was 8 years younger than me, yep, not even 21! And for two months he and I would be off and on, and off and on! One thing I will say His maturity surpassed his age and that is one of the most amazing things about him. I've dated men older than him and myself, but his maturity takes the cake for sure. With all that being said I still find myself at the cross roads in my life.

To be completely honest I feel like I've become numb to the thought of a relationship just because of the bitter taste they have left in my mouth, but do I yearn for one? Yes! Yes, I do. This past week I reconnected with and Ex who wanted to know what He'd done wrong in our relationship. If He'd asked me a few months ago I would have hit him with a side-eye and politely have said…NO. Up to that point between him and I was harboring some very bitter feelings toward him. To be quiet honest He was one of the main reasons for my shut down from giving other people chances, and me deep inside not wanting to be with anybody else. All I could ever think about was how easy it is for someone to be able to bounce back so fast into this search for love, while leaving the other person with some many questions, and in limbo. How could anyone just rightfully do that to someone and think it's okay? Not fair…but is it?
Being where I'm at now and in this new found confidence and new journey I'm on I obliged and I told him what I was going through during us and the aftermath of us and it was…so good. I got that weight off my chest that I'd been carrying for over a year.

Has that turned me off to wanting something real? No! Not at all. I think it all starts at where I want to be in life. A lot of my friends are in relationships or budding relationships. Tonight I attended a dinner where it was just me, two couples, and a mutual friend. I wasn't bothered at all. I'm feeling my own skin out right now…I'm learning. I came across a song by Tori Kelly and that song says what I'm feeling word for word. It's me all the way through. Maybe I'll fall in love again and not be afraid too. Maybe I won't repeat the same mistakes and be more open and not so closed off to the people I'm dating. Maybe this time I will give love a chance again…So if you're out there I swear to be good to you, but I'm done looking for my future someone, because when the times is right he'll be here right beside me and it will have been worth the wait.

Dear No One…

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do.

I like being by myself,
Don't gotta entertain anybody else,
No one to answer to.

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold,
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold,
Got that young love even when we're old.

Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand,
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man.
I will love you 'til the end.

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you,
But I'm done looking
For my future someone,
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooh!!

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeahh!

But I'd love to have a soul mate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old

Yeah, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you 'til the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
Cause I'm done looking
For my future someone
Cause when the time is right, you'll be here but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody), this is your love song...

No Longer Living In A Grey Area…Breaking the Cycle

I'm soaking with the mix of sweat and rain and I'm just off the train from the hardest workout I've ever done. So hard, I threw up. I knew it was coming after Leslie and I finished training. As we were heading back to the locker room I looked at him and said "Hold up! I think I'm going to vomit!" Leslie busted out laughing as I started puking my gut out and I asked him why he thought it was so funny, he said it was because I said it so polite and cute as if I was joking. Of course I'm fine. We just went HAM today and did a total body exercise…and I've got to be back at it bright and early.

Anyway…on my train ride back home I was hit with my next blog and while it's still all put together in my mind.

So with everything going on with my life, with my overall health being my main focus at the moment. It's time for a little reflection. Last night I had a great conversation with a friend about somethings that have been going on in our lives. We talked about relationships and coping with the end of one and dating again and so forth, but during this conversation I began to honestly reflect on some past relationship, and people I've dated and where I honestly still stand with those people. The main thing I passed off to my friend was don't let yourself be drawn into living in this weird grey area with this person, that's dangerous and somebody will get there feelings hurt. I also said don't let somebody make you their option, and you will know when you're being treated like one and I'm not going to go into detail, but there are signs that will let you know when you're not being told something by the other person whose keeping you in this grey area, and when that happens know that if they will do this to you, they are bound to do it to others as well. You also have to know that it's not about you, because it's clear now that this person has some issues, and this is your escape to freedom, because you don't want to be caught up with someone whose not presenting you the cold hard truth, because if they present you with the cold hard truth they know they are giving you the choice to decide what the next phase should be, but they don't want to give you that freedom because they want keep you in the grey so you don't go anywhere. I've had this happen to me once before and I told my friend I'm breaking this cycle and that you should too.

I've learned some very valuable things recently that are making me the man that I am. My confidence is coming back in full force and so much more. My therapist told me I'm standing a little taller these days, and she could see that I was taking this whole rebuilding myself journey quite seriously..and I AM! The other day a guy was talking to me and he told me "You know you're really quite a desirable Man…" the key word that struck me was "MAN" I felt like I had exited out of being called a "Young Man"and now I'm being recognized as a MAN…it was the biggest breath of fresh air I'd breathed in a minute.

I tell people this whole journey to my self-discovery of who I am and who I'm becoming isn't easy. Do I still have moments where I'm questioning what I'm doing? The answer is YES! I see a cupcake, pizza, a slice of cake and I want to eat it or I want to punch the person in the face whose enjoying said item! I see couples walking down the street , holding, kissing, hugging, laughing, and I do want those things, but I know I'll be able to get all those things as soon as I'm in a good place with myself and for myself. I'm a wise guy and that's something I'm beginning to love about myself…I'm also silly as hell too! All things aside..I'm in a good place and I know that. My eye is on the prize and REAL nice guys do finish last. My past is in my rearview mirror and my future….man, I can't wait to see what you've got in store for me.

I've Become The Guy That Carries The Jug of Water Around.

I'm now on the 7th week of my fitness program and may the odds be ever in my favor.

This week I'm not allowed to have sweets, crazy carbs, and no alcohol whatsoever. I even have to stay away from my favorite treat which is this Atkins Bar that has only 1 gram of sugar. I've become the guy that carries the 1 gallon of water around with him. This is hard..

My life at this point has become a little boring, but it's okay because I know the payoff I'm getting in the end of all of this. I was warned that before I took on this new journey that my lifestyle would be altered greatly for a little while. Getting in the best physical shape that I've ever been in is not easy of fun. Last night I wanted to go out with everyone, but since I know that I need 10 hours of rest at night so my body can adjust to the changes I took my butt home and got the rest I needed.

Through this process though, my mind has been so clear lately. I don't feel so stressed and that's a good thing. I have noticed a lot of definition in my body, and I think that's because of the water I've been drinking. Drinking that jug of water throughout the day is crazy tough and it sends me to the restroom like 10 times a day, but my urine is clear so I know I'm hydrated. What exactly am I doing..I'm ripping my body!

This whole treating my body like a temple has been working, and my self-esteem, and confidence is starting to rise. I took a picture the other day and posted it publicly to show where I've gotten to so far in the 6th week and I'm pretty sure I've lost a waist size. I use to be 34 waist, but I think I'm not sitting comfortable at a 33 waist. The main key for me during this time is not so much as too get a smaller wait, but I want that "V"…which is coming along just right. Everything really does take time and every week I notice a few things new.

The payoff though have been remarkable, Yesterday at the gym this lady hit on me so hard that I almost went straight for her. Her game was THICK! I didn't have the heart to tell her I was gay, and I didn't need too. I actually just enjoyed the moment and what was happening. It was nice. It's these moments that I realize that it's okay to be where I'm at right now. I don't need to rush to be with someone and I don't have to settle down right now. With my self-esteem slowly coming back the one thing I'm sure I know of myself is that I'll be too career driven to want to get in a full-out relationship with anyone, not saying that could change, but where I'm at is good.

Still progressing, still growing, still smiling, and you know what…I'm not done yet!

LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!

My New Journey

I think the last time I blogged I spoke on how I 3 a.m. I sat on a bench on a dark basketball court and had a little talk with the man upstairs.

Well…since that conversation I've been doing some hardcore thinking. Sometimes it scares me to think for myself and make decisions that better suit me and my life.

Today I'm going to blog to you all about my new journey. For the past 6 weeks some of you know that I've been on this new fitness program that I freaking love. I can't describe how pleased with everything is going with it. 6 weeks ago I decided to get my life together and take back what's mine. The first stop happened in January when my parents suggested that I should go see someone about what's going on with me mentally. I had tried group therapy back in November and I didn't like talking about my problems to a group of people, it just felt weird and more often than not I never really spoke in our sessions. Along with what was going on I started gaining some of the weight I'd lost over the year back. I had gotten down to 170lbs…not really in the healthiest of ways and in January I was back at 204lbs…stress does that! Anyway I was working New Years Eve and instead of celebrating with all my co-workers I completely blanked out and as I was told by someone I just stared at the computer screen while everyone was at the window cheering , that's when I knew I needed to get some help and quick.

I met my wonderful Therapist and life coach 5 days later and she has been one of the most amazing people I've met in this city thus far and I've come across some fantastic people here, but she let me talk, and she let me vent. Who knew that I was so holding on too so much. It was crazy how I was even able to talk about issues from my childhood and recount them to her and not be ashamed by them. I learned that I hold so much in, because I had learned to be passive aggressive, and that when I unleash anger…I unleash with such rage that I can be off putting, or downright scary, since everyone is use to seeing my smiling.

On my trip to Alabama she contacted me and she told me that she knew that I wanted to get in the best shape I've ever been in and she felt like I had what it takes to take my body to the next level. Y'all when I apply myself I can make miracles happen. I met with a nutritionist and we discussed a strict diet plan for myself, and my workout routines, coupled with my things that will stimulate me body and mind.

So the first part of my New Me Journey started 6 weeks ago with me on pursuit to drastically redefine my body the healthy way. I get one cheat day a week, and I hardly take them because I love the journey that I'm on. I can only focus on one stage of my journey one day at a time. I've started on my Mind, and Now I'm on my Body, and when I get to where I want to be physically, I can begin the journey of my career (Theatre and Fitness.)

I'm not going to tell you that this journey is easy. My drink limit is 2 drinks A WEEK, and with that I usually choose my drink of choice (Gin and Tonic) after one I'm feeling it and I have to chase it with 3 glasses of water. I've not touched a Soda, pasta, or rice, or bread! With all the tempting food here in NYC it's very tempting for me to give in, so I grab a bag of nuts and got to town on them.

Yesterday while most were out, or a home, with friends, lover, and whatnot I spent the better part of my day with my Lover (The Gym) breaking my goals, it's the small victories right now for myself that keep me smiling. Bad days at work couldn't keep me from getting in a good workout in or depress me so much that I stress eat. I am not a vegetarian anymore…I kicked it just because what I want to do with my body I need the protein..and HELL, I love Chicken. NO SHAME!

I'm probably going to head out to California in May to go to the Blatino Oasis in Palm Springs and just see what the scene is like out there. I want to see something different.

Here's to Focusing FULLY on me. I learned a couple of nights ago that when I just focus on my career, getting better, and doing what Tyree needs to do everything WILL fall into place, because the extra stuff your heart desires comes when you're really ready for it and you've got your stuff together.

That's all for now. Cheers to my Journey…I'm happy again and that's saying a lot. I love this smile!

PEACE, LOVE, AND SHARE YOUR LIGHT!

The Long Walk Home (The Past, Trust, Hope, and Grindr)

In my life I never seem to know how my day will unfold. In life I've come to realize that we're given bad days and sometimes we are given some pretty good days.

Tonight I did something I haven't done in awhile. I decided to take a walk and talk to God. I have my own personal relationship with God and sometimes I like to ignore the signs that he give me. Tonight I had to break down and sit on a bench in this bitter cold and have a 1-on-1 with him at 3 a.m. this morning.

Let me just say that I AM HUMAN and I AM NOT PERFECT. If there was one thing I want to completely get rid of in my life right now is bitterness. I'm just so done with carrying so much bitterness in my all areas of my life. Tonight I asked God why I've become this bitter and he took the word right out of my mouth. I am still not over what happened to me almost two years ago. Before I say anything any further, let me just say that I had to think long and hard about this confession or even wanting to write about it. I'm still heartbroken by what happened to me before I moved here to NYC. I was in a very serious relationship for over 2 1/2 years with someone that I'd fallen in love with. This wasn't a puppy dog love or anything like that. I had connected with this guy in away that I couldn't even describe. I won't recount my history with him on this blog, but I will say that I carry a lot of memories with this guy. The day we broke up I was completely caught off guard by everything and the finality of it. I had planned to propose to him after he returned from working his summer theatre job. I had everything mapped out and how I was going to do it, and I even had the ring. I guess I just don't understand why I'm coming to terms with all of this now? When we broke up over the phone, the next day I began to put up this facade of how I was really feeling, acting as if I was okay and I even made myself believe that I was okay…even up to this point. I've dated over 5 guys since then and whenever I try to shake myself of it, something triggers a flashback and I become so bitter and upset in the time that I invested and other things.

I know now that this has been a reason for my actions up till now. My reasons for not trusting anyone I date, my confidence, and much more. I don't trust because I feel like as soon as I began to trust they do something minor and my trust is shaken and that's not fair. I could go on and on, but that's not the point of all of this. Tonight I asked God, to watch over me, and I began to cry….I haven't cried public at all. I've kept tears locked away for a long time, because I kept whole self locked away and out of sight. I'm strong a lot, and I do that by being opinionated, a smart ass, and sometimes mean out of spite. I mean nothing by it. I'm quick to judge others actions and hold people to so high a standard that I even know I couldn't uphold what I'm asking for. I've let people come in and out of my life and most of the time I don't even fill like fighting for anyone, because I've had to fight so hard in the past for a relationship and losing in the end that, I don't want to fight for anything, because sometime I want to know I'm worth it, or that I'm worth fighting for. It's like YOU show me that I'm worth being in your life and I'll do my best to give you everything you need and want.

This week the past reared it's head and an EX texted me some messages that he had been receiving from a past co-worker of mine on his Grindr app. First let me say this. I HATE THOSE FUCKING APPS!!! I hate Grindr, Scruff, and OLD AS HELL Adam4Adam. It is HANDS DOWN the destroyer of relationships for Gay men. How are you supposed to be trying to be dating someone when you've got temptation at your finger tips? I'm not going to act like I haven't used the apps, I have..but I'm not trying to date someone and I'm not in a relationship with anyone. ANYWAY…I saw the messages that both parties were sending to each other and I couldn't help but laugh and not even be bothered with it. Both parties trying to prove something to me and for what? Neither of them owed me any explanation. I could've been really bitter and nasty towards both parties and it took ever ounce of my being to say to one of them "I'm done with you" and to say to the other "I trust you." When I said both things to the both of them I meant every word I said.

I've decided to walk the long way home tonight, talk to God, and let go of being bitter. Looks like I'm growing some more. It can only get better from here right? I sure do hope so!

Well g2g PEACE