Coming up on the last week of 2015!
I accomplished a lot this year. Feels good to be breaking ground on new things and a whole new outlet on where I'm going. I can't complain about this year at all. There was so much good this year alone that I'm just over here smiling and feeling good about myself. On track with my Journey to 30 and now I'm at the phase where I'm cutting somethings out so that I complete this smooth transition into my "adulthood." Taking back my life and doing new things. Smaller circle of friends, but the success is HUGE right now.
I'm healing up just fine from my battle scars. I AM WINNING.
Happy Sunday!
Let's go back to simplicity.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
I Only Want To Live My Truth
Blog world it's been a minute...
I haven't had a real chance to sit down and and just write on here.
Right now I'm just thankful...legit THANKFUL!!!!
I've been on career stand still for SO LONG and very doubtful with myself and my abilities. So I've just been making HUGE, and MAJOR moves in my life and career. There are two things that I'm sure of I want to be in the entertainment industry and whatever form the universe wants that to be and I want to become one bomb ass personal trainer here in NYC.
Last year I got DROPPED from my last agency because I wasn't booking work, which is NO fault of theirs, and I wasn't focused at all. I was caught up in trivial matters, and things my butt really didn't need to be focused on. I really needed to be getting my shit together. I moved here to NYC with goals and dreams and lost all of them and bouncing from relationship to relationship then that turned into "OH I need to be on the scene," which meant being out late partying, drinking too much, and being dramatic for no damn reason. During all of this in the back of my mind I knew that stuff needed to stop. Wondering how did I get so far off course? Why am I not where I want to be? How did I get so extra? Why am I creating and making up shit to fit in? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I realized that I was doing too much and also doing to little to fix my own situations.
I am mystified by how much clarity I have now. Yes, I went out and got help, and I don't like talking about that too much, but I needed some help. Going to the gym and losing weight to be a bad bitch, and getting back at ex's and throwing shade at people...so extra...so extra. My first few years here in NYC have been one for the books. Here I am at the end of 2015...one of the best years I've had here in NYC, and life in general feeling so much better about myself and everything good and bad that I've done in the past.
So I'm about to just SPILL it all out. Let me say that I'm not going to sugarcoat or dress the rest of this entry up to be well written and thoughout, you are about to get me in real time and I make no apologies because going on this "Journey to 30" I only want to live and walk in my truth...that's it. That's all.
3 years ago I moved here to this city coming out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. I moved here and with goals and plans. Truth: I moved here out of a DEEP anger and hunger. I had something to prove. It wasn't just my talent that I wanted to prove. Truth: I want to prove that I was worthy. Within a matter of weeks I was back at it auditioning and dating someone. I though everything was coming together I was rehearsing for a show, and I was dating someone again. During the course of that relationship....I realized that I was being broken down by his own wants and needs. It wasn't until he posted a image of another man, and after explaining to him how I felt about, and being reassured that I shouldn't read into it we continued. Truth: I had already mentally snapped. Seeing that image and comparing that to where I was at with my own weight issues only solidified to me that this man was not satisfied, and it broke me. From that point on and after we broke up...my mission was only to lose weight to prove to that man that I was worthy. I dropped down to 160lbs I began going out and excessively and drinking and being extra. Going to work feeling like I had to fit in with what the other guys were doing. Not knowing that this feeling of inadequacy was spiraling out of control.
Now did he notice? Yes he did. I was doing everything from posting pictures on facebook to leaving quotes on my wall that were hints to him...SO extra and dumb. I look back it now and think "Boy, why?" There were/have been moments where we would link up and rekindle and then we'd fall off again and again. Deep inside I wonder why this keeps happening with us in particular. In a previous blog I did mention that he and I had a really good talk about where I wanted to be in this life. TRUTH: Yes, he out of all the ex's I've had here in the city has been cordial enough to sit down with me and actually and be a REAL friend. Even when I was struggling with my own self image. I could sit here and bash and play the victim, but that's not the type of man that I've become. It was a true lesson learned on both parts and now we can text and bullshit with each other. I realized after our talk how mature I'd become with myself and that if I want a friendship with an ex to work..that both people have got to forgive. He was wrong and so was I.
After dating him I would go on to do a show for a friend and that summer I met another guy. By this time I was really feeling this fit life, but I had started taking things to enhance myself. I dated a guy over that summer that was really a blip, because I was already broken and that relationship that I thought was going so well, ended with me being even more hurt and humiliated. Now still out being extra with my friends and being wild...I thought I'd settle down and really try and invest in something serious...when I look back at all of this what I should have been doing was being focused on my career and making moves, but God has a way of doing things and we do things on His time and in His way...I started dating a coworker, now...here is where I become everything I never wanted to be, but also who I needed to become so I could get to who I am today. This relationship I call "The Quiet Storm." I don't like to speak or really write about it because everything that should have gone right went left. I was a good one, but one where I was really figuring out where I wanted to be in a relationship and also what I wasn't going to tolerate from anyone. I thought I was mending myself with this one, but I was still broken, but I also was starting to feel myself, and looking in places where I didn't need to be looking, just for pure reasons of knowing if I was worthy. I had gotten to a point where I did feel like I was in a 50/25 relationship and not a 50/50. It only reminded me of what I had been through in my 2 1/2 year relationship and that frightened me. I didn't want get to that place where again I was giving so much, then be let down at the end. So I was of my own will becoming cautious and retreating a little bit because I wanted to access and take it all in. It was different in that I felt like more of father than a Boyfriend. It did not sit right with me. I look at it now and know I should have expressed how I felt in a different manner. I also felt that although I was in the WRONG sometimes it was held over my head like a brick about to drop on me, but on the flip side there was no true apology if the other person did wrong. I felt like I had to suck it up and take all blame and deal with what was being thrown at me and not be firm and say here is what you're doing a,b,c that's wrong, but I'm not holding this giant brick over you. So it was me once again being silenced..but in another form. I can now admit to my faults, lies, and ways...but knowing and realizing how alone in having nobody to talk to about what was happening, was making me retreat and wave the white flag of "I'm Done!" It came to a shuttering end the day I grabbed him. The stress of working too much, not being where I wanted to be, and the build up hit me..it was time for this and this part of my life to be done. That moment made me have a flash back to how I had been treated by so many people. constantly being grabbed, and jabbed, and poked...spit on. Being told I'm gullible. Sickening feeling. It was done. I know I get a lot of flack for that.
However..thesd three situations had informed me on the changes that I needed to make and have made judge people I date with a fine toothed comb. I took so much and learned so much from them. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
After I was still being a tragic story..until the end of last year. My 28th Birthday party was where I started to readjust myself. I was single halfway through the year. Putting myself back together. Meeting new people...and enter two women that I call my sisters. Monique and Alyssa are and have been some of the best "GET YO LIFE" friends that I've ever had in my life. They keep it 100% with me whether I'm right or wrong. With them came Sam, Alfie, Alex. New friendships formed with Rachel, Lorenzo, and Donny. Through that storm in my life I feel like the universe saw and heard my call and he brought them into my life to help me. He gave me actual people to talk too, and be open with. Each time I fell down while trying to get right with myself...they were right there to help me up or watch me help myself up and assist if needed. From that point on is where I begin to regain myself. 28 was still rocky but, DAMN I look back now and see I was on track to getting better. My fitness game became healthier. I slowly began to come into form.
I can't tell you how good it feels to have all of these folks in my life. I've taken a vow to not talk shit about anyone, because I think about where I've been and what I've done, and I only want to step out and help someone that's on the wrong track. I feel God has taught me how to forgive myself for my actions and deeds, and to help others who need help. This year I decided to take my Journey to 30 with getting as fit as possible on my 30 B'day. I want to be OUT of serving tables, and really starting to dig into what it is I want out of my life. So far..so good! I shaved my hair off, because it was going back..and damn it was like I got a new look that really works for me. With that I got signed to a agency..and I'm just learning to rebound back into what it is I came out here to do. Not focus so much on relationships, and the past, but to bust my ass and be good at what I want to do. I'm going to be one hell of a top notch personal trainer...Equinox, I'm coming for you! and one hell of presence in Theatre and Film...I've waited long enough. I'm putting in the work and not letting anything stand in my way. I realize now that everything I want it obtainable, I've got to work for it, and want it bad enough for it to work. Do right by myself, so I can do right by others. Be healthy physically, mentally, finance, and all the other goodies will come with it eventually. I am worthy of all of it. Just learning not to reflect so much on past issues, and hurts, but to move forward and learn and grow. My past doesn't matter because I don't live there anymore. No more "I'm Sorry's." More "I'm HERE."
Continued growth brings about amazing changes. Living in your truth and not your lies, whether people like it or not. Being authentic, Being present, Being Me...I'm free...free.
I haven't had a real chance to sit down and and just write on here.
Right now I'm just thankful...legit THANKFUL!!!!
I've been on career stand still for SO LONG and very doubtful with myself and my abilities. So I've just been making HUGE, and MAJOR moves in my life and career. There are two things that I'm sure of I want to be in the entertainment industry and whatever form the universe wants that to be and I want to become one bomb ass personal trainer here in NYC.
Last year I got DROPPED from my last agency because I wasn't booking work, which is NO fault of theirs, and I wasn't focused at all. I was caught up in trivial matters, and things my butt really didn't need to be focused on. I really needed to be getting my shit together. I moved here to NYC with goals and dreams and lost all of them and bouncing from relationship to relationship then that turned into "OH I need to be on the scene," which meant being out late partying, drinking too much, and being dramatic for no damn reason. During all of this in the back of my mind I knew that stuff needed to stop. Wondering how did I get so far off course? Why am I not where I want to be? How did I get so extra? Why am I creating and making up shit to fit in? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I realized that I was doing too much and also doing to little to fix my own situations.
I am mystified by how much clarity I have now. Yes, I went out and got help, and I don't like talking about that too much, but I needed some help. Going to the gym and losing weight to be a bad bitch, and getting back at ex's and throwing shade at people...so extra...so extra. My first few years here in NYC have been one for the books. Here I am at the end of 2015...one of the best years I've had here in NYC, and life in general feeling so much better about myself and everything good and bad that I've done in the past.
So I'm about to just SPILL it all out. Let me say that I'm not going to sugarcoat or dress the rest of this entry up to be well written and thoughout, you are about to get me in real time and I make no apologies because going on this "Journey to 30" I only want to live and walk in my truth...that's it. That's all.
3 years ago I moved here to this city coming out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. I moved here and with goals and plans. Truth: I moved here out of a DEEP anger and hunger. I had something to prove. It wasn't just my talent that I wanted to prove. Truth: I want to prove that I was worthy. Within a matter of weeks I was back at it auditioning and dating someone. I though everything was coming together I was rehearsing for a show, and I was dating someone again. During the course of that relationship....I realized that I was being broken down by his own wants and needs. It wasn't until he posted a image of another man, and after explaining to him how I felt about, and being reassured that I shouldn't read into it we continued. Truth: I had already mentally snapped. Seeing that image and comparing that to where I was at with my own weight issues only solidified to me that this man was not satisfied, and it broke me. From that point on and after we broke up...my mission was only to lose weight to prove to that man that I was worthy. I dropped down to 160lbs I began going out and excessively and drinking and being extra. Going to work feeling like I had to fit in with what the other guys were doing. Not knowing that this feeling of inadequacy was spiraling out of control.
Now did he notice? Yes he did. I was doing everything from posting pictures on facebook to leaving quotes on my wall that were hints to him...SO extra and dumb. I look back it now and think "Boy, why?" There were/have been moments where we would link up and rekindle and then we'd fall off again and again. Deep inside I wonder why this keeps happening with us in particular. In a previous blog I did mention that he and I had a really good talk about where I wanted to be in this life. TRUTH: Yes, he out of all the ex's I've had here in the city has been cordial enough to sit down with me and actually and be a REAL friend. Even when I was struggling with my own self image. I could sit here and bash and play the victim, but that's not the type of man that I've become. It was a true lesson learned on both parts and now we can text and bullshit with each other. I realized after our talk how mature I'd become with myself and that if I want a friendship with an ex to work..that both people have got to forgive. He was wrong and so was I.
After dating him I would go on to do a show for a friend and that summer I met another guy. By this time I was really feeling this fit life, but I had started taking things to enhance myself. I dated a guy over that summer that was really a blip, because I was already broken and that relationship that I thought was going so well, ended with me being even more hurt and humiliated. Now still out being extra with my friends and being wild...I thought I'd settle down and really try and invest in something serious...when I look back at all of this what I should have been doing was being focused on my career and making moves, but God has a way of doing things and we do things on His time and in His way...I started dating a coworker, now...here is where I become everything I never wanted to be, but also who I needed to become so I could get to who I am today. This relationship I call "The Quiet Storm." I don't like to speak or really write about it because everything that should have gone right went left. I was a good one, but one where I was really figuring out where I wanted to be in a relationship and also what I wasn't going to tolerate from anyone. I thought I was mending myself with this one, but I was still broken, but I also was starting to feel myself, and looking in places where I didn't need to be looking, just for pure reasons of knowing if I was worthy. I had gotten to a point where I did feel like I was in a 50/25 relationship and not a 50/50. It only reminded me of what I had been through in my 2 1/2 year relationship and that frightened me. I didn't want get to that place where again I was giving so much, then be let down at the end. So I was of my own will becoming cautious and retreating a little bit because I wanted to access and take it all in. It was different in that I felt like more of father than a Boyfriend. It did not sit right with me. I look at it now and know I should have expressed how I felt in a different manner. I also felt that although I was in the WRONG sometimes it was held over my head like a brick about to drop on me, but on the flip side there was no true apology if the other person did wrong. I felt like I had to suck it up and take all blame and deal with what was being thrown at me and not be firm and say here is what you're doing a,b,c that's wrong, but I'm not holding this giant brick over you. So it was me once again being silenced..but in another form. I can now admit to my faults, lies, and ways...but knowing and realizing how alone in having nobody to talk to about what was happening, was making me retreat and wave the white flag of "I'm Done!" It came to a shuttering end the day I grabbed him. The stress of working too much, not being where I wanted to be, and the build up hit me..it was time for this and this part of my life to be done. That moment made me have a flash back to how I had been treated by so many people. constantly being grabbed, and jabbed, and poked...spit on. Being told I'm gullible. Sickening feeling. It was done. I know I get a lot of flack for that.
However..thesd three situations had informed me on the changes that I needed to make and have made judge people I date with a fine toothed comb. I took so much and learned so much from them. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
After I was still being a tragic story..until the end of last year. My 28th Birthday party was where I started to readjust myself. I was single halfway through the year. Putting myself back together. Meeting new people...and enter two women that I call my sisters. Monique and Alyssa are and have been some of the best "GET YO LIFE" friends that I've ever had in my life. They keep it 100% with me whether I'm right or wrong. With them came Sam, Alfie, Alex. New friendships formed with Rachel, Lorenzo, and Donny. Through that storm in my life I feel like the universe saw and heard my call and he brought them into my life to help me. He gave me actual people to talk too, and be open with. Each time I fell down while trying to get right with myself...they were right there to help me up or watch me help myself up and assist if needed. From that point on is where I begin to regain myself. 28 was still rocky but, DAMN I look back now and see I was on track to getting better. My fitness game became healthier. I slowly began to come into form.
I can't tell you how good it feels to have all of these folks in my life. I've taken a vow to not talk shit about anyone, because I think about where I've been and what I've done, and I only want to step out and help someone that's on the wrong track. I feel God has taught me how to forgive myself for my actions and deeds, and to help others who need help. This year I decided to take my Journey to 30 with getting as fit as possible on my 30 B'day. I want to be OUT of serving tables, and really starting to dig into what it is I want out of my life. So far..so good! I shaved my hair off, because it was going back..and damn it was like I got a new look that really works for me. With that I got signed to a agency..and I'm just learning to rebound back into what it is I came out here to do. Not focus so much on relationships, and the past, but to bust my ass and be good at what I want to do. I'm going to be one hell of a top notch personal trainer...Equinox, I'm coming for you! and one hell of presence in Theatre and Film...I've waited long enough. I'm putting in the work and not letting anything stand in my way. I realize now that everything I want it obtainable, I've got to work for it, and want it bad enough for it to work. Do right by myself, so I can do right by others. Be healthy physically, mentally, finance, and all the other goodies will come with it eventually. I am worthy of all of it. Just learning not to reflect so much on past issues, and hurts, but to move forward and learn and grow. My past doesn't matter because I don't live there anymore. No more "I'm Sorry's." More "I'm HERE."
Continued growth brings about amazing changes. Living in your truth and not your lies, whether people like it or not. Being authentic, Being present, Being Me...I'm free...free.
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