Leave It All In The Rearview...

A thought is love's currency…

I take days off from work and it becomes a open canvas for my mind to do some much needed thinking and writing. I never realize how much I have on my mind until I get a day off. That's crazy.

It's the end of another week and it's starting to warm up here in NYC. Today I wore a tank top and shorts and it was incredibly nice outside. Tomorrow the high is 75 degrees..fuck yeah! Bring on this warm weather!

Lately I've been thinking about my future (life, love, and happiness) I want and need to make some changes in my life. I guess we'll get started on love. Spring is near and with that new romances sometimes begin. Not for me, at the moment, but for others. I've decided to enjoy this moment of being single, but sometimes it get s little frustrating and lonely. I like being single because it gives me a lot more time to see my friends, be alone, and not have to be so stressed about balancing my time with work. I'm learning how to balance these things now. However I do miss cuddling, watching movies with a someone, coming home to someone and cooking for them and vice versa, even sex…I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship. I hate being called a romantic, but at heart I am..I've always been and that will never change.

Last night I thought about every single one of my ex's..yep, All 5 of them. I just thought about the good times and bad times with them all and accessed what I'm really, honestly looking for in a guy. I also realized I'd only ever really dated 5 guys and that made me realize how selective I am about the type of guys I've been with. I've got standards. I don't want to be that person who post blogs about "Why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "I need a boyfriend." I'm not thirsty, or desperate, I just hope I find the guy that cliques best for me. It's all trial and error right? Sometimes you have to lose to win again. I do however think I'm a fucking great catch and one helluva loyal lover, but that's what I want back in return. We still have to see what the future holds for me in my love life. I'm not too worried! I am learning that I can't sit on the sidelines and think something is just going to happen. I've got to get out on the field and make things happen…but choosing wisely. I never want to get to that point where I just settle and date somebody because there the only person giving me attention, or I feel like I can't have anybody else, or I don't deserve better. I've seen first hand how that effects people in my life. I'm not about that life as some would say. I also don't want to be jumping from guy to guy in a matter of days as some do. I want whoever I get in a relationship with, I want it to be a smooth transition this time, where it's just obvious at a certain point where it's time for us to get serious about the two of us and what that means for out future together.

Life has taken an up swing lately. I've been cast in a show and I'll be working on that soon, and I'm really enjoying life as a whole at the moment. The past couple of weekends I've been spending with my close circle of friends and we've been going on some crazy adventures. We've been to The Eagle twice…oh man, OH MAN! the adventures we've gotten into there. Last weekend we went and I got a Harness and I was flogged. Needless to say we are taking a break from that place, but it was great to go some place where I was a little scared of going to because of what I've heard from friends and co-workers, and so finding out for myself was great and I had a really good time both times.

It's these times…right here, right now that are very important for me. I'm learning to leave the past in the rearview mirror and I'm driving towards the future me. Will there be more bumps in the road, probably, but I'll know how to handle it. My love life, my happiness, my life and how I live it..it's all up to me. I'm not putting my happiness in other's hands anymore. I'm also not sitting around and waiting for others to get it together. I've always had a level head and mature, and I can't backtrack.