Leave It All In The Rearview...

A thought is love's currency…

I take days off from work and it becomes a open canvas for my mind to do some much needed thinking and writing. I never realize how much I have on my mind until I get a day off. That's crazy.

It's the end of another week and it's starting to warm up here in NYC. Today I wore a tank top and shorts and it was incredibly nice outside. Tomorrow the high is 75 degrees..fuck yeah! Bring on this warm weather!

Lately I've been thinking about my future (life, love, and happiness) I want and need to make some changes in my life. I guess we'll get started on love. Spring is near and with that new romances sometimes begin. Not for me, at the moment, but for others. I've decided to enjoy this moment of being single, but sometimes it get s little frustrating and lonely. I like being single because it gives me a lot more time to see my friends, be alone, and not have to be so stressed about balancing my time with work. I'm learning how to balance these things now. However I do miss cuddling, watching movies with a someone, coming home to someone and cooking for them and vice versa, even sex…I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship. I hate being called a romantic, but at heart I am..I've always been and that will never change.

Last night I thought about every single one of my ex's..yep, All 5 of them. I just thought about the good times and bad times with them all and accessed what I'm really, honestly looking for in a guy. I also realized I'd only ever really dated 5 guys and that made me realize how selective I am about the type of guys I've been with. I've got standards. I don't want to be that person who post blogs about "Why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "I need a boyfriend." I'm not thirsty, or desperate, I just hope I find the guy that cliques best for me. It's all trial and error right? Sometimes you have to lose to win again. I do however think I'm a fucking great catch and one helluva loyal lover, but that's what I want back in return. We still have to see what the future holds for me in my love life. I'm not too worried! I am learning that I can't sit on the sidelines and think something is just going to happen. I've got to get out on the field and make things happen…but choosing wisely. I never want to get to that point where I just settle and date somebody because there the only person giving me attention, or I feel like I can't have anybody else, or I don't deserve better. I've seen first hand how that effects people in my life. I'm not about that life as some would say. I also don't want to be jumping from guy to guy in a matter of days as some do. I want whoever I get in a relationship with, I want it to be a smooth transition this time, where it's just obvious at a certain point where it's time for us to get serious about the two of us and what that means for out future together.

Life has taken an up swing lately. I've been cast in a show and I'll be working on that soon, and I'm really enjoying life as a whole at the moment. The past couple of weekends I've been spending with my close circle of friends and we've been going on some crazy adventures. We've been to The Eagle twice…oh man, OH MAN! the adventures we've gotten into there. Last weekend we went and I got a Harness and I was flogged. Needless to say we are taking a break from that place, but it was great to go some place where I was a little scared of going to because of what I've heard from friends and co-workers, and so finding out for myself was great and I had a really good time both times.

It's these times…right here, right now that are very important for me. I'm learning to leave the past in the rearview mirror and I'm driving towards the future me. Will there be more bumps in the road, probably, but I'll know how to handle it. My love life, my happiness, my life and how I live it..it's all up to me. I'm not putting my happiness in other's hands anymore. I'm also not sitting around and waiting for others to get it together. I've always had a level head and mature, and I can't backtrack.

The Importance of Self

Just finished my morning workout in my living room to the probable annoyance of my downstairs neighbors.

Summer is officially 10 weeks away and I couldn't be more excited about it.

I'm on the mission to be in the best shape of my life by the my 28th Birthday which isn't to far off. I can't believe I'm turning 28 soon…wow! Time is really flying by. This quest of redefining my body is going well and it's a lot harder. I am proud of myself this week though. I decided to take a lot more control of my diet and what I put in my mouth. I have a secret weakness for chocolate covered nuts (almonds)…go figure! Also Reese Cups and this week I gave up all sugars except from fruits and it has been the struggle! I haven't cracked yet and yesterday on Wednesday my cravings finally quieted down.

Part of me getting in the best physical shape is my diet. For while I was cutting grains out and this week I got to introduce them into my body, but not talking about Bread, and Pasta. I eat oatmeal (Steel City Oats) and more granola bars and Cliff Bars. I've been eating boiled eggs for snacks. Really I'm eating clean now. I don't eat the food at my job anymore and I've started packing my own food and bringing it with me. I do have a food cut off time which really works for me and it's Midnight.

The power of water is wonderful! I drink nothing but water and I keep juices down to a minimum and I'm really picky about what the juice is too. If I do have a drink I take seltzer with it. I tend to stick to Red wines, vodka, and gin.

My fervor for the body really came to a head last night. The past couple of days my boy Pete hasn't been doing so good with his Boyfriend, life, friends and such and so we planned on going to NO PARKING Bar, which closes this weekend. Oh the memories of that bar! We went kind of early and the place wasn't packed at all. We talked about what was going on in our lives over drinks and then the dancers came…there is this one particular dancer and when I saw his body…I immediately pointed to him and said that's kinda how I want my body to be structured. I kept thinking I'm so close! I just got stick to what I'm doing and be strong! Besides that a random wednesday out was needed and much fun. I'm sad to see NO PARKING go. Can we talk about all the white guys/girls who were in the house last night? They gotta get there groove on too! I favor NO PARKINGS music over all the clubs I've been to in this city so far. All Gay men don't want to dance to Gaga, whom I love…but I like some R&B and Hip Hop too!

Today is my off day, so a lot of my time will be spent in the gym…I've got goals y'all!

Just Keep Swimming! Surfboard!

Relishing in the moments and hours that I have to myself…

I've been in need of water, but not water to drink, or to bath in. I've been needing water to full immerse myself in. I traveled out to Roosevelt Island to go swim at there sports complex today. I don't know why I was so nervous once I got there. I stood outside the window as I watched all the other swimmers in there lanes going from one end to the other. I almost just turned and left because I felt like I had no business being there and maybe I didn't really want to swim. I walked down to the basketball court and made myself breath for a few minutes. I looked at my phone and turned it off and looked out over at Queens and said "Tyree, you need this!" and I picked up my bag and went into the building. Luckily I was greeted by this older gentleman who could tell that I was new because I started stuttering a bit…I was still nervous. He answered every question I was thinking, and since I was new he was kind enough to let me pay the residential fee to use the pool. I headed into the locker room and changed my clothes, showered and then made my way out onto the pool deck. The lifeguard gave me my own lane to swim in. I quickly took my flip flops off and set my table down and I didn't even wait to test the water. I gently put my entire body into the pool and then for the next 45 minutes it was just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, etc.

It felt so good to be swimming. I still had every stroke and my stride hadn't left me. I did 30 laps. Each lap was like a release. When I felt myself getting tired around the 20's I told myself to keep going. Half way through the lifeguard came over and spoke to me and he asked me if I had any goggles, I didn't remember to bring them with me because I was doing this all on a whim, and he let me borrow his until I was done. That was very nice of him. I continued to swim and it was just so good to be back in water. The smell of chlorine and even water filling my ears! After I finished. I got out I thanked the lifeguard whose name is Trystan…he had a very strong name, so I remembered it. I thanked him for letting me use his goggles and we struck up a nice little conversation with him hoping I'd return, No worries..I am, I love that place..I'm going back Friday.

After a quick shower I headed out towards the Tram to head back into the city for a workout at the gym. I am a Beast…yes even after todays swim I went to the gym to have my leg days. I don't skip leg days. The view from the Tram was perfect. It made me remember why I love New York so much, and why I'm here. I don't know if it was the swim, meeting Trystan, or the view from the Tram ride, but I realized I AM coming into my own. I'm still figuring this whole Life thing out, but I really do love it here. I knew I was being hit on today by an extremely handsome lifeguard and for the first time..I just…I just let it happen. Why not? Nothing has to come of it and nothing will come of it, but it was exciting. I don't often let guys flirt with me in public settings because I tend to turn awkward and not know what to say, or I just feel uncomfortable. Baby steps…baby steps, Ty Ty!

Looking out at the city got my mind churning and the cogs clicking and ticking. I've got so many goals I want to achieve here in this place. Next week I begin my journey of trying to find my place in the fitness industry. I want to work for a gym, but I also want to move up within that company. To be quite frank…I don't want to be a server/bartender forever. I realize that as an artist that's the most flexible job, but I have other wants and I'm really really good at other things to besides acting..and fitness is second next to my performance career. I've gotten aggressive about my goals in my health and life and I want to use what I've learned to help others.

I'm a humble guy, just trying to find my way in the concrete jungle. Out of my close circle of friends I've been deemed the Carrie Bradshaw of the group and I'm totally ok with that! Well here's to something fresh and new in my life. Here's to taking chances, flirting, being a Bachelor, knowing that it's okay for me to be confident about myself as long as I remain humble. Most of all…just keep swimming

The Ebb and Flow of Life

Just getting home from work. My feet hurt, and I'm tired, but I must write while it's all still collected here in my head.

I've started asking myself lately "How do you do it?"Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to I'm late to bed and I'm early to rise. I hate missing seeing the sunrise every morning. I think there is something so special about seeing the sunrise, it lets me know that a new day has begun and I live to see another day that wasn't promised to me. Here I sit in the wee ours of the early morning in my own little corner, blogging, and waiting to catch the sunrise before I nap for a few ours.

Life is full of new lessons and realizations for me. I'm learning to relish in these moments. I'm learning that my life is still very much uncharted and I'm ok with that. I rarely show my soft side, but tonight I dropped a few tears because I realized how free I actually am. I'm bound to nothing and nobody and it's time I started relishing this freedom for once in my life. I chose to start a new phase in my life. I've come to see I'm not the same boy that moved here almost two years ago, but that I'm becoming this…Man... and at times I scare myself with this new sense of self. I've gained this new discipline for re-sculpting my image and so much more. I've been drug free for 4 months now and I didn't realize that until I was walking home. My health is bouncing back, because I've cut so much crap out and I can see the results of my efforts. I'm really focusing on Me.

The other day someone asked me how they could change and get on my level and what I told them really does ring true. Until you take a really hard look at yourself, and realize what you're doing to yourself you can't even begin to start that change. I know that in order for me to pursue my Journey of Self that I need to be alone a lot. I say this because I know myself. I don't know what it's like to just be alone and not just from a relationship stand point. I see so many of my friends running from guy to guy or girl to girl and in the past I've done the same too. I always wonder do they know what it's like to just Be? Just be by yourself for a minute and get your shit together. Do they really want change or is this just a temporary feeling for them until something else comes along and they get off track? These are the things I think about now that I'm fully aware of my changing and really invested into changing. Don't ask for change and not really want said change. That's silly.

There really is something to loving yourself first, before loving somebody else. Learning to take care of my insecurities first and foremost before I let someone else in has been essential to me.

I'm so ready for summer. I'm ready for tank tops, shorts, a cool pair of sneakers, earrings, a new tattoo (Chest/Shoulder), brunch, and seeing people wearing next to nothing because it will be HOT and most of them will be HOT! Talking to a co-worker today and we both agreed we want to make this summer amazing. So bring on the warm weather. NYC is slowly thawing out.

SO much to live for right now that even on my worst day I'm not even worried.

PEACE