Being Alive. This is It.

I must apologize for my long absence from writing in here. I must be honest and say that I had intended on writing here for awhile, but I didn't feel motivated to talk about anything or even where to begin. I took a much needed break from writing about my life and decided to just live life and not capture all of my moments in a writing or on a snapchat, or even my favorite app instagram. I want to keep some moments of my life sacred and memorable in my memory for as long as God allows me to have it.


This has been one remarkable summer. It's been a very positive one to be frank. I've been taking the time to enjoy my life while gearing up to put my own life/ travel show that will involve my cooking, fitness, and love for the arts. It's a lot of work, especially when you're your own team right now. So I'm being really picky, and making sure everything that I'm going to present is something that is exactly what I want to show to the world..if it goes that far (fingers-crossed!)

Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks in the East Village, sipping on coffee, listening the Frank Ocean's BLOND album and delivering a blog. How..quaint..LOL.

This season of my life has been about getting back to me, no matter how exciting, or boring that might be to some. I've had all my wild experiences that NYC has had to offer me and now I see and feel myself mellowing out and re-centering myself. Going after my goals and always finding solutions on how to achieve my dream, one step at a time. I've been teaching myself not to set to many goals at once. I have ADHD, so it's really really important for me to focus on one thing at a time.

Juggling my work life, where I way more freedom versus my previous job as a server at Bubba Gumps in Time Square (yep I slang shrimp for my first three years here in NYC) The gym, where my gains have gotten serious, and the work that I've been putting in is showing. I'm not cocky about it, or trying to THOT for the kids, but I love showing off my results, in the effort that I too can be an influence for someone else.

Been spending a lot of time exploring the city and new foods. Really shaking up my comfort zone and my surroundings. It's really cool. This might be the first time where I have not been focusing on having a guy in my life. It's not been crossing my mind. Stress and Drama free. Letting things happen naturally. What's important right now is living life the way I need and want to based on my goals. Doing more theatre. It feels so good to be back on the stage. I'm taking anything that comes my way. Getting over my audition anxiety, because that's been the main factor on why I've been missing out on opportunities.

Well that's all I've got for now...and this will be my last entry for NOT SO AVERAGE GUY. Seeing all the growth I've done I've decided that this will be my last entry. New things are happening in my life and I'm really happy with what's going on in it, but I'd rather keep it all to myself and the people who I've been sharing my adventures with. This blog has been very helpful for me on many levels and I've shared some great, and tough times on here. I'm out of my dark place. I'm sure there might be other dark times and great times, but now I know how to get through, and even celebrate, and embrace these moments. I feel like the sun shines for me too, and I didn't feel like it did for awhile. I think there is hope for me just yet, and a lot of life and love for me yet.

Ok that's it! I'm off to dinner with friends here in the village!

Much Love!

Tyree Walker

:D SO MUCH LOVE, FOLKS!!! I'm OUT!!!!

#GAY #LIFE #REVIVAL

I have been mulling over when I was going to sit down and give you this blog that has been on my mind for WEEKS, and I mean WEEKS!!! I've been trying to formulate how I was going to go about writing and making sure that I was in the right space to do it. I'm in that space so let's do it.

This entry is for the young gay male of female that has or is struggling with there identity, weight and the ever changing pace that is #LIFE! Recently my ears have been bombarded with so much music. With the likes of Drake giving us "VIEWS," Beyonce serving us "Lemonade," and the duo known as Lion Babe "Begin," giving us music to groove and feel, and seeing the continuous evolution of my Queen, Erykah Badu, who continuous to keep us aware of what's going on around us. This music has been helping me conjure up this feast that I'm about to serve up to you.

A couple of weeks back I had dinner with an ex, who is a school teacher, and we had a full discussion on the hashtag GAY. I was explaining to him how I've stayed away from using it over the last few years because I was told that the connotation of it and what it represented was over sexualized. I was explaining to him that I was trying to build a brand that wasn't based around the word "gay." Even though I myself am gay, and I'm very proud of who I am, and where I'm at, since being out for 9 years. After I finished explaining myself he looked at me boldly and said "Why do you give a fuck about what someone else thinks about a certain hashtag?" He then went on to explain to me the positive sides of using that hashtag on my other social media platforms ei, instagram (MidnightFitness). He explained to me on how I was giving into someone else's beliefs or maybe even their own insecurities, but missing out on the opportunity to reach that young gay male or female who is also struggling with their weight, mental, and identity issues, who might click on the hashtag to find inspiration. After hearing this it really struck a cord with me. For a very long time I've wanted so much to reach out to that younger crowd and let them know that someone identifies with their struggle, and is forging a path for them, so that they can see that they too can get through whatever it is that they might be struggling with.

What I've taken notice of recently is the reaching out and the out pouring of encouragement that I've received from so many people. I haven't really had time to take stock in all of my wins, both small and big. I'm now at a point in my life where I'm ready to start acknowledging that I've succeeded far more than I've failed. What this whole "Journey to 30" is culminating too, is me walking into a whole new era of my life. I feel like as I venture towards being 30, a lifestyle change is on it's way for me. I'm exiting my 20's, which for me felt more like a much needed extension of my teens years and I'm going into something new. I see peoples question in my DM's on instagram, and trying to keep up my interaction of snapchat, and even answering questions on there that people send me. I've been asking myself what do I do with all of this? For a very long time I've been afraid of speaking about what I've gone through and how I've made it through. Ever since being in this new mindset, and changing of my life here in NYC, I feel more myself, and I'm ready to talk about.

The number 1 question I'm always asked is "How did you get so into fitness?" For me this is a very HUGE question and it comes with a BIG, HUGE, answer.

The truth: I've been battling being overweight since about 7th grade, that's right at the beginning of puberty. I use to be a soprano in the choir section, and then my voice skipped alto and went straight to the tenor section. I remember my first bush of pubic hair growing in and feeling like I was "a man," and I also remember that was my first time to masturbate (YAY!), and then.... I was SMACKED with gynecomastia. While most boys my age were starting to get lean and bigger, my body was doing something totally different. My breast tissue was becoming enlarged due to the imbalance of estrogen and testosterone in my body. For me it was the most debilitating stage of my life. I was harassed and made fun of relentlessly by the other boys my age and older. My peers would grab me, and poke at me and tell me I had "big titties," they would say "Are you sure you were supposed to be a boy." Just a lot of rude and nasty things to say to me. The one that hurt the most was when a 8th grade boy on my bus suggested that he wanted to put his penis in between my breast and to not tell anyone. Shock, because I was just beginning to find my own sexual preference and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable being gay or not or even ready to accept myself fully. This would go on for year and even into high school. In high school I had to do something about it. I had surgery to get rid of it, but I still was putting on weight, I realized that from all the pressure I was putting on myself to be this person that people expected me to be was stressing me out, and the trying to be somebody I'm not. I was finding real comfort in food.

Food was my go too! For someone who has been in the struggle with my weight and coming to term with my sexuality I found so much solace in food. Even in college where my weight was still a issue for me. Food just took away any pressure that I was feeling. In college I met my first boyfriend, and I had that first gay, "I love him, blah, blah, blah!" experience. We had the dramatic break up fight, and I spent the summer dropping weight, and not totally healthy either. I was exercising, but I was spending my paychecks on supplements that I didn't need to be taking, just to get my ex to notice me, WHICH...HE DID! hahah. We got back together and of course broke up on better terms. From there I was in another relationship that last for over two years and I was still working out, but not eating right. So really from then on I was yo-yo dieting for many years up until about a year ago. Last summer I finally got really lean and fit, so that I could start my bulking phase, which I'm coming off of. I've really had to fine tune my diet and fitness plan. It's all trial and error. Moving here I got lost in trying to find my identity and wanting to fit in with the "gay" scene here. Moving to a big city and having to find myself once again, I found that fitness really was a much better stress reliever, and better way for me to take a mental break from the outside world. Giving myself and allowing myself the space to heal my wounds from everything that I feel was hurting me or not giving me the full opportunity to express myself better. I found that going to the gym, eating better, actually making myself get into a better groove of things was doing it for me.

You must..you NEED to know that there is a TRUE high that I get from going to the gym and getting a full workout. Over the past year changing my physique, has really boosted my confidence as a person. As a result I feel that my outside change is reflecting all the good that I have inside of me. Forming better relationships with people, etc.

I'm having this full on humanistic revival of myself. Rediscovering who I am. I saw this message "Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill. " Seeing this it sums up what I'm really trying to do for myself. I have this calling to help others, but I want to use #GAY platform to reach as many people as I need and not be worried about what others thinks. I'm living in my authenticity. I'm a person of color, and I'm gay, and I've struggled with my own inner negative thoughts, and I'm rebounding back SO HARD! I'm amazed by it!

I want to be a light for someone lost in the dark, and I will be. I want to build a brand that is unique to helping the LGTBQ youth and teens. I want to show all walks of live better way of getting through life, with fitness, entertainment, and positive words. My aim and intentions are clear.

MUCH LOVE AND LIGHT!!!!

-Ty (MidnightFitness)

Instagram: MidnightFitness


P.S. Find your light in the darkest sky!

Don't You Recognize A Fellow Astronaut?

It's been a week! I know, I was supposed to write everyday, but some days I actually need to LIVE my life so I can have things to talk about on here!

So my diet and workout routine is going really well. I'm still going strong with my drinking a gallon of water everyday. I start my days super early because I am a morning person so after I leave my workouts on my off days, I usually finish my gallon jug by mid-day. Which is cool. I'm not at the moment taking in any juices, soda, and going SUPER light on my alcohol. If I do go out for drinks with friends, right now, I stick with vodka sodas. With a lot of caution I'll have a margarita, but that means I really have to limit my drink intake the rest of the evening. Recently while on this much stricter diet with my fluids I've found that it's very easy for me to get tipsy a bit easier than normal. So I do limit my drinking to 2-3 drinks MAX. For me now knowing that it's a bit easier for me to get tipsy easier, I still want to be social around my friends, so this is really working out for me.
In the gym, I'm making some really good progress on my form in all areas of weightlifting. Also the energy I have in the gym is great. I can attribute that to me drinking water and keeping myself hydrated during my workouts. This week I'm really starting to see some results taking place in my body. I have to remember that I'm trying to keep my size, but lower my body fat, and it's working. Definition, and toning is happening. It's a good feeling when you see your work starting to take shape.

I feel a bit more focused in the gym and outside of the gym. I'm able to concentrate on my tasks at work, and pay attention to what I'm doing in the gym. I know what it takes for me to keep myself focused, and sometimes it can be hard, because I have to work hard at not letting my mind wander, or let myself talk myself out of what I'm doing. I continue to ask for guidance from the Lord whenever I feel myself begin to doubt what I'm doing. This week I've been eating Gluten Free, and it's a bitch! Finding products that don't have gluten in them, and staying away from breads. It's hard. I almost caved yesterday while I was at the mall. I saw a Mrs. Fields stand and I was like "Fuck it, I want some chocolate chip mini's!" I handed my card over to the cashier and she then asked for my ID, and I looked in my wallet and realized I'd left it at home. I think that was a sign from the universe telling me "YOU AIN'T GETTING NO COOKIES TODAY, HOE!"So I didn't get the cookies and I walked home upset, but also glad I didn't get them, because I don't need them. I only wanted them because they were right there.

On matter of life. I'm happy to be more connected with my family right now. My parents have learned to FaceTime on there phones so now I can see them and talk to them more often. I even text my Aunt Jean (Mom #2) more often! I miss them a lot and I want to plan a trip home soon, and hopefully bring a guy home too, I know..I've got to date someone first, but a man can dream can't he? I'd like to go home for Thanksgiving this year and cook for my family. They rarely get to taste some of the things I make and this would be an awesome chance to show them what I can whip up in that kitchen. Also it would be nice to see some old friends too, and have them over for dinner. I should probably look into doing a potluck or something! Booze, Food, Family, Friends, and Turkey in ALABAMA sounds like a damn good time in my opinion.

That's all for now! HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

LOVE, PEACE, AND ALL THE LIGHT THIS WORLD HAS TO OFFER!

-TY

P.S. I've been to the moon! :D

The Humanistic Revival of Me

It's Wednesday and I just finished a really really really awesome Leg Day.

I don't know what it is about today. I have so much energy, and I'm just feeling really good inside and out. This morning I woke after a good sleep, and for some reason it was in my spirit to re-listen to the "4" album by Beyonce. Now, this is my favorite Bey album for many reason, but I listened to it all the way through and this surge of energy just filled me up. I was ready to go to the gym and smash my workout session. I was in there squatting and just killing the weights. Focusing on my form, and making sure I was doing everything correctly. I make it very clear that I want some nice glutes. I strive really hard to get my ass where I want it to be. I am starting to see the months of hard work pay off. Even I have to cup it sometimes and be say to myself "Damn, boy you doing it!" I want my body to be proportional, but I want that ass though! Afterwards I hit the calisthenics really hard. I'm getting to the point where I'm beastin' my pull-ups! Today one of the gym trainers noticed and told me to enter to the Pull-Up contest that they are doing till Friday, of course I said "Yes!" I'm not passing up an opportunity to show what I've been doing. So tomorrow I'm going to participate. I hit the Row machine for 30 minutes afterwards. It was a good workout! I like this energy that decided to show up. It's good!

Still doing some cleaning up around my social circle. Today I had to check a friend about treating our friendship like it was a "At His Convenience" type of thing. I'm in this place where I just totally keep it real with anyone that wants to be in my life or around me in general. I can say that I too have been known to be the same way, but as I correct my own steps, and I don't want other people to be that way with me anymore. It's a treat people how you want to be treated thing. So set the record straight, it was a good relief off of he and I. The friendship will grow stronger because of it.

This renaissance that I'm going through is truly unbelievable and exciting for me. I'm calling it a renaissance because this is really a humanistic revival of myself. Getting really deep into looking at my body as a art piece that I'm constantly sculpting, and slowly going back into the a visual/performance art scene itself. It's really good, because my job is surrounded by it and my evenings off allow me to work on my fitness, and immerse myself in art. The two things that I'm really the most passionate about right now. This is allowing me to really set the ground work down for who I am, and how I want to represent myself, and my family. Let me say that a person doesn't change overnight, I've been working over the past couple of years towards my change. A few entries back I spoke on how I woke up in my room and how I had to get rid of some energy that just wasn't doing me any service. The getting rid of past items, and building a new slate for myself and RESPECTING myself more it was the key to pulling myself back together.

I was walking home from the gym and just thinking about how far I've come and and where I've been emotionally. I've come far. I'm just like "ok, let's keep going, this progress, let's keep up the momentum!" I'm finding my way. I'm by myself, I'm by myself, and I think that right now it's been a HUGE impact on my goals. I'm working for ME! I don't know what works for other people, but this works for me. I want to feel like I'm a great Man. I want to do great things and make the people the people that have stood behind me really happy, and even those that don't like me I want to make them happy too. Life is happening...it really is. Where I want to be.

Being ME, New York WILL adjust

Being ME, the world WILL adjust

LOVE, PEACE, and SO MUCH LIGHT!

Love y'all

-TY

P.S. THIS AIN'T OVER

I'll Rise Up

I'm in the second week of my "Crunch Time." I'm trying to get more steady into writing on here daily. I told myself that I really want to strive to write here more often if I can. Even if it's nothing big, I want to get better about writing about my thoughts and what's going on with me.

So it's officially been ONE full week of drinking a gallon of water everyday. I decided that as a part of my workout and diet I wanted to start drinking a gallon of water everyday. The first week was pretty smooth. I've done this before but not for a very long period of time so making this apart of my routine has become simple and easier with my day to day lifestyle. I'm using the restroom more frequently, but I feel good. That's a plus! I've joined a new fitness app to track my progress and it's kinda fun, and it keeps me in check with visually how I'm doing.
So I'm doing a full-cut right now. I've learned that I can build muscle really quickly. I'm 194 lbs right now. I'm benching 230lbs, and I can lift 100lb dumbbells in both arms and rep them both comfortable. My squat max has increased as well. So I've packed on some mass for my size. Now I'm trying to cut back down to 185..while retaining my size, but taking my body fat percentage down. So I'm doing less weights, but more reps. I'm going to cut the fuck out of my body. I've add 30 mins of cardio after every session and I've been going for 1hr walks in the AM to get myself going. Of course I've been real keen on my diet too. Cooking really clean, and limiting my carb intake too. As you can see this is a process, but I do love it. Getting my body to where I want it to be is like my own birthday present to myself. I want to go into my 30's in great shape.

All of this is great, I'm taking as much advantage of this time that I'm alone to really fine tune my physique and just do more me things. I realize that as I take on this "journey" that I really don't have room for anything else right now. My life is work, gym, rest, repeat. It's cool, and I'm in no way bothered by it. I can say that I get a little lonely sometimes, but I'm starting to take that time to really figure out somethings. I think about the past situation that I just got out of, and like how that's making me feel. I have times where I'm upset, and there are times when I'm at the gym and the sun comes out and I'm ok. When I see the sun while I'm working out I know that everything is going to be ok and that with my faith I'm not going to go without what God has provided for me, and what he's about to provide me with. Returning to my faith and letting that guide me has been a huge driving force while obtaining my goals. I'm a spiritual man, I don't let my sexuality get in the way of that, and I speak to the Spirit upstairs everyday. I come to Him with questions a lot, and I see that He answers them through little things. It pulls me through.

It's a weird feeling, I'm not around the same people, but I'm glad that my best friends Logan and Jordan are still around and I get to see them more often. Especially Logan. It was really cool to be able to take him to brunch at my hotel and for him to meet the people that I work with. I like the work relationship that I'm building with them, and the growth that I'm being afforded.

The changes that I've been working and striving towards are happening. One thing at a time.

As of right now I'm making the resolve to not focus on the dating scene and all that comes with it. I'm aware that ANYTHING can happen, but I really want to make sure I'm on track, I realize that relationships are a lot of work, and take a lot of effort from both parties. For me, I'm in this place where "Yes, I would love to be in one" I'm also in a place where it's a "Not right now" kind of position. I think this is because I'm so trying to better myself right now. I want to come into a relationship feeling good about what's happening. I've been on dates where after the first hour, I've mentally checked out, and that's not good at all. Let's me know even more that right now I need to focus on what I'm trying to do. If love presented itself I wouldn't run from it, but I feel like I'll know it when it's happening. Part of growing right?

LOVE, PEACE, and LIGHT!

Much love y'all!

-Ty

What It Means To Live In Your Truth

A new month...April.

I'm often bad at trying to figure out where do I begin to write about. Life is HAPPENING. Last week I said farewell to a few things in my life and now I'm headed full sail into the next phase of this journey called life. Over the past couple of days I've been restructuring my life inside and out. Getting headstrong on my "Journey to 30" fitness challenge and balancing my work life, with my gym life, and my social life.

As I get closer to 30, which I'm so excited about, I see the positive changes that I've been making have really been beneficial for me emotionally and physically. I think you get to a point in life where you have to start thinking about your future as whole, and check back with your goal list to see if you're on track. I changed jobs recently so that I could have more time to work on the things that I really want to be doing, and I changed jobs because I felt like the pressure of work was way more demanding than it had needed to be. For a very long time I'd been wanting to find a way to do more of the things that I like doing, and that I feel are going to take me places. For me for the longest time it was a battle of "Well this money is consistent, but it's tiring," and doubled with my own fear of always trying to present more of myself than I needed too to people. I realized that I was sort of losing myself to my job and people at my job. That was becoming my life, and for me, personally, it wasn't ok. I was stunting my own growth. Growth was happening, but at a pace where I know I can achieve things quicker if I don't feel so tired, or over worked. The first year and a half there I really did a lot of learning for myself. It felt like a school setting in a lot of ways. By my last full year there last year...I was starting to withdraw from the social aspects work, and the gossip. Putting more efforts into my body, and other things. I stopped going to O'Lunney's , or Chelsea Grill because that was a major part of why I wasn't able to focus and was keeping me caught up in things I didn't need to be caught up in. I can say I've had relationships, and friendships suffer because of it, a lot of it with coworkers from when I work there. Now I can say I don't regret anything that happened, that's what got me to this point today. Last Thursday night I didn't want to make a big deal about it being my last evening there, but it was really bittersweet, because I'm going to miss some of those people a lot, some of them will forever be in my life. I'll always have to managers there that will have my heart always..B & J, if it wasn't for them I don't think I would've stayed as long as I did. Then there are my Boyz (Darryl, Donny, Lorenzo, Tiandre, and Gregory) they made work such a joy there for me, because I didn't have a group of guys that worked with me that I could connect with and be able to express/ explain myself more and also keep me on track with what I wanted to do. They are really solid rocks in my life, they would keep it 100% every time, and I vice versa. That's when I started to change. As I started to change I really started to outgrow my work environment.


Over the past few months the things I even talk about on here , I've re-read.. and I'll be like, wait there are some things I've left out, Oh I should've talked about this, but that's life. This TRUE finding of myself and really feeling like I'm becoming more comfortable in myself, which is the MAIN goal. Not altering who I am, or my opinions to please someone. Just openly saying how I feel about something and if they don't like it "OH WELL!" I'd rather live a life of "Oh Well's" then a life of "What if's" I use to tip-toe on people feelings, but I would let people trample all over mine. It's not a good feeling. I know that living here in New York City you have to be strong, and you have to know how to be firm and direct in life. What I went through to get here to New York, now can't go to waste. You have to understand how driven I am as a person. It's about making moves. It's about doing what it takes to achieve your dreams in the most honorable, and positive way possible, with that being said I recently became encountered in a situation where I was referred to as a "Play Thing." I thought I was building and working towards something with a great person, but when I was referred to by his friend as that in an introduction by his friends, that which had been sitting in my spirit came forth, under a few glasses of chardonnay, isn't it strange how alcohol will make you say how you feel? If there is one thing that I never ever want to be referred to as is someones "play thing" or as a friend told me "His fuckboy." It was a total shocker because now that I've had time to digest a few things...I can see how they would say that, but those words that could have broken me down, instead turned a switch on in my head. The words "I LOVE YOU" will never be used by me lightly, and never want my love for someone to be taken advantage of. My love doesn't deserve that, and I sure don't deserve that either. Some people got to walk away unscathed by the ordeal, and I'm very glad I handled the situation with a lot of grace. It might have bruised me, but it didn't tear me down. All is well, and since then I've diving full force into writing about my time here in NYC in the form of a play called "Letter to Mr. Baldwin." What's really cool about right now is that the people I want to take notice of what I'm doing, are paying attention. I'm realizing that I don't have to change who I am, I'm going to be fine by just being me, but authentically me.

Staying focused, and walking MY walk. I'm going to love, live, and laugh a lot from here on out. I see it. I feel it.

Being ME, New York WILL adjust.

Being ME, the world WILL adjust.

Love, Peace, Light, Truth, Integrity.

-TY

Ever Evolving.

The Evolution of me...etc, etc.

A lot of growing is happening, and it's happening fast. The past few weeks I've been just in awe, and amazed at what's been going on in my life. Getting really fit and trusting the whole fitness process that I'm undergoing, going into a new job, and closing a chapter in my life, and beginning a new chapter that looks like it my just be my best yet.

There are days I get overwhelmed and scared about growing into this Man that I'd always envisioned that I would become. I always talk about being fit, and being successful. Over the past 2 years or so I've really been putting my words into action. I have the really strong power within me to succeed in anything that I do. At this phase of my life I'm becoming way more confident as a person, and taking the mistakes from my past and learning from them and building on a better future for myself. Where I get overwhelmed is seeing how much it's taking my to do all of this. I'm constantly on my grind and sometimes that means I lose touch with friends and those I'm use to hanging out with. There's even very little time for myself. Right now I can't tell you when the last time I had a FULL day off from either job. In a week that part will be remedied of course. The part that scares me is I'm leaving the very first job I had here in NYC. I've tried leaving before, but I always end up coming back, this time I've been given the opportunity to have more time to grow and do more outside creative work that I like to do, while still making very good money. It's an offer I can't refuse. Just over the past few weeks alone, it's been great having my evenings off and being able to connect with my best friends, or take a class, or explore more of this city. It's hard leaving a place where you feel like you've done the most growing as a person, but it's also tough knowing you've outgrown a place that you do love a lot. I realized that I was changing and getting back to the person that I was before I moved here, that this wasn't the right fit for me anymore, or what I'm trying to achieve here in NYC. It was creating a sort of stagnation in me, that didn't feel well. I hate the feeling of complacency, when that sets in that's my cue to keep moving forward.

I learned a lot of lessons during my time at my first job, and now I'm using my tools and moving forward.

Last week I was thinking to myself, how awesome it is to not only see the sun shining bright, but actually beginning to feel it's warm, even in this cold weather. I think it has to do with the fact I'm feeling better about a few things in life.

With all this being said. I AM BECOMING MORE MYSELF THAN I EVER HAVE. I can't stress this fact enough. I feel like for the longest time I was trying to conform to the NYC scene so hardcore that I was losing touch with what already made me great as person. I also realize that's a big part of evolving as person. You lose yourself to find yourself again, but you find a even better person. I'm resilient. When I fall down, you can expect me to comeback 10x's better than before. Also I've stopped reflecting on the past, because nothing is there, and holding on to that is what was keeping me from evolving. I feel like I'm a Pokemon. LOL.

I ready to take on this next chapter on my life here in the big city. I'm more excited about what's happening to me and just ready for the world to see what I'm capable of doing. Looking forward to building firm roots here. I'm a Lion, so I'm here be the best and give my best. I also think it's interesting that as I evolve how many people are taking notice...even the ones that left me high and dry, and ghosted on me. I'm amazed at the people who've reached back out to me, and I'm not the type of person to be petty and throw shade. I welcome them back, and hope to catch up with them at a later date.

Life, Happiness, Goals, Aspirations, and Love are all coming up...in due time! I'm trusting the process and making New York City adjust to me.

PEACE OUT!

LOVE and LIGHT!

A Story, A Story, Let It Come, Let It Go.

I don't believe in fairytales....

But I believe I'm being my own hero and breaking my own curse that's been placed upon me.

This morning I woke up and I looked around me. I looked around my room and I realized I felt out of place. I examined my walls, looked at my clothes covered floor, and my cluttered desk drawer and said "Where Am I?" This feeling was shocking and revealing at the same time. I got up and made my protein shake, and my steel cut oatmeal and begin to plan the rest of my day. I haven't been off from either jobs in awhile, and today I decided that I needed the day to myself. I watched an episode of "The Walking Dead" which I've been trying to watch for the past couple of years. Still stuck on Season !, but now I'm on Episode 4 of the season, I'm really determined to see this, can't you tell? After I watched that I took my Pre-workout and got ready for a much needed Chest Day at the gym. Afterward I was feeling pumped and refreshed and headed to get lunch, and come home and cook and shower. Never not once returning to my bedroom, a place I don't like spending too much time in. I ate lunch, chat on the phone, and to my roommate and then I just started cleaning the kitchen, and living room, where I do most of my sleeping. As I was cleaning I decided to open to the door to my room, the place where everything from my past lives, my own attic of memories. I dawned on me that my room had become a place where I was only storing memories. It wasn't a place to sleep or just relax, It was a room full treasures, and memories, some good, some bad.

I looked around at my room, and I took a deep breath and I pulled the door to the other side, and there lying on the floor was a stuffed monkey from Build-A-Bear. I looked at it and picked it up and squeezed its hand...the voice that came from the monkey was a voice I hadn't heard in years. It was the voice that has altered my entire life. I looked at it and got angry and started crying. Everything that I was trying so hard to block flooded right back in. I looked at my wall. I saw the Playbill Case that he had made and the playbill's he had searched high and low to find. I yanked the case off the wall and just stared at it. I took the Monkey and the Case and out of my room. I threw the Monkey in the trash and put the case in the hallway closet, until I can figure out what to do with it. I looked at the my dresser and saw the earrings he gave me on our last anniversary, still in the case..I threw them in the trash. I dug through my dresser and I remembered he had written me a letter after our first anniversary, that I had hid from my parents because I wasn't out at the time. I didn't even re-read it...I threw it in the trash. As each piece was being removed from my room i felt weights inside of me just slide off. Tears in my eyes, and all.

A year a go I was walking to the subway and a psychic woman tried to give me a reading. She said that a dark cloud was placed on me by someone or some people. She wasn't too sure, but she wanted to sit with me and talk. I thought it all foolish, and I she offered to read me for free, but she thought it important to tell me. I talked myself out of going because. I've been told that I shouldn't and they only want my money, but something did feel really sincere about what she was saying, or what she was trying to tell me. Here I am at this new juncture of my life. Where I've made the choice to delete past situations out of my life, but mentally and physically unaware that I hadn't done a full true cleanse, and not just on social media, but in my day to day life.

I looked around at my room again, and saw remnants of my first NY ex's shirts. I laughed, but I tossed those too. I saw papers from old jobs in Alabama, and memories from other events. Why was I holding on to all of this stuff? Why did I think I needed it? This hoarding of things that don't have any value to my life right now. I clicked to me that this is one of the things that is holding me back. I'm surrounded by so many past things, that in my room, I'm physically walking back into my past each and every time I step foot in there. That's why I don't like to be in there. Today I confronted myself and rid myself of half of my room. I stood for a moment after, bare walls, bare floors, and it felt freeing. Not only did it feel like a brand new space, I also it felt like I was clearing my heart of everything that I didn't need to be holding on too anymore. It's time to enjoy life again! It's time to come here and do what I set out to do.

Last night at my other job, I was exhausted because I left my day job to come serve at night, which I'm doing till I get my first checks, and I'm well adjusted. Last night however I realized that change is imminent. I've been working so hard to find this place of happiness, and pulling myself together personally. I was going to hold on and keep my serving job, but that also means, that I'm holding on to my past, because I feel comfortable there. I know everyone, everyone knows me, it's easy. I also realize I'm not progressing there, and I'm not as happy as I use to be there. I love my coworkers, I love my managers, but I know I'm not supposed to be there forever. It was my first ever job here in NYC. I've tried to go to other place, but I also came back. Now I'm in a situation where my new job, is exactly where I need to be right now, to gain more ground in what I want to be doing. Time wise, art wise, fitness wise. It's hard letting go sometimes, but I see that my time there is coming to and end, and sometimes I'm so scared that I'm going miss out, but I realize and know that this is what I need to do...for myself,and for my well-being, and future.

I took the time to think about how far I've come as a person. I've gone through many things in this short time I've been living here, and I've gone through many things in life. This time I'm rebounding SO HARD and it feels SO DAMN GOOD! I've come to realize that I've got to let go, and take a chance at this new life, that I prayed so hard for. Many night, and mornings talking to God about how I need a fresh start. I want to be better, and do better. I'm so driven as a person. My confidence is coming back in full force. I don't let anyone talk to me or about me in ANY kind of way. I feel like the man who was so confident and driven when I first step foot here in this city has returned. I step outside my apartment and I feel like this city is all new to me again. I feel like those around me are starting to see that too. My connection are getting stronger and I'm physically getting stronger. Thank GOD, for my love of the gym. When there was NOBODY here for me, the one place I knew I could find solace was in the gym. I may not believe in fairytales, but I do believe I've broken my own curse. I WILL walk into my 30's slaying the fucking scene, and I will make a name for myself here in this city, and the world...one step at a time.

Trust the process.

LOVE, PEACE, and LIGHT!

-Tyree

SoHo and R3hAb

Bulking Season is over!!! Now I'm getting ready to go into what I'm going to call "R3hAb" and will last until July. I'm simply going to be shredding my body fat down so that I can begin to show more of what I've been working on building since late september. It's MARCH and plenty of things are happening in my life right now.

Earlier this year I set a goal for myself to begin a transition for myself and my journey. One of my goals besides getting fit and staying in shape is to find my passion for the arts again, in whatever form the universe wants that to happen. I've been getting callbacks for plays...and MUSICALS (Well, damn!) I auditioned for a awesome show called RENT and I've been called back numerous times for a role that I've always known that I could play, and with some life experiences under my belt, execute well.
I've always wanted to be apart of the arts and entertainment world, especially here in NYC. I want to do it all, and nothing is going to keep me from doing it, and making my way here in this urban jungle! I've been networking with a lot of people, reaching out of my usual circle of connections and just reaching out to people who are well-known in the industry. For me as I get older in age, and being somewhat fresh to all of this, I've realized that I've got to work even harder and longer. A true sense of self has returned to me, and not compromising who I am, and trying to fit in with people who I don't need to fit in for. I have MY groove here in NYC.

I've been down a lot, with figuring out what I'm good at, what am I supposed to be doing with my life. I started writing out my goals, and making small commitments to reach my goals. I can't stress enough how much it's helped me. Last week I was browsing a job page and I saw a few jobs that I was interested in doing and were heavily involved in networking with people in the industry. A tinge of a lack of confidence set in thinking I'm not suited for any of these positions, but I've got a great past background in this. So I applied for a position with a very well-known boutique hotel/nightclub/speakeasy spot. Through a series of interviews and conversations I was offered a job there, and I'm now working there. It's in SoHo, which for me is CRAZY UNBELIEVABLE, because I never imagined that I'd ever work down there in that area of the city. It's been pretty amazing thus far! I love the company, and I see myself learning how to build my own brand, I'm being encouraged to make decisions, and it's very relaxed environment which is so A+ for me right now. I can work, learn, create, and network. Those are 4 big important things for me right now.

The past couple of weeks I've been really thinking about Who am I, Where am I going, How am I going to get there. I'm really about reaching my goals and doing whatever it takes to get there. Also relaxing, and not measuring my success next to someone else's.

TRUSTING THE PROCESS!!! TRUST THE PROCESS!!! <------This is my motto right now. Don't rush life, don't rush love. Trust that everything will happen the way it's supposed to happen.

LOVE PEACE and LIGHT

-Tyree

I'm in HERE!!!

I apologize for my lack of post as of recent..but I've been WORKING!!!! Bulking season is officially over for me and I topped out at 205lbs...In mid October when I started I was 185 and over 5 months I packed on the mass and solid muscle. I'm just beginning my cutting phase and it's going super so far. This past weekend a few friends got together as we always do on Sunday and we gathered in the kitchen and made a banging meal to celebrate Beyonce's return (The Super Bowl) and the end of my bulk! I'm praying that my craving for sweets doesn't take over. I've set my cheat meals to every sunday, but it's going to be a sweet cheat! I love sweets...it's my addiction.

I'm going to be cutting hard up until late July! Each week until it's solid I'll be focusing on cutting certain things out of my diet once again. This week I'm cutting my carb intake out after my workout meal, and NO sweets until Sunday. Not to shabby. I'm excited. My friend Karen all the way in Alabama has started an accountability group and so that will be super helpful for me.

I've started singing again...to peoples shock. I'm glad my voice has matured! I just finished a super important audition with the creative team of a musical, and I'm going back in on saturday to work on scenes, and songs with them. I'm really crazy nervous about it. When I get like that my voice tightens up, I've got to remember to RELAX and enjoy the moment. My voice teacher told me go in and relax, and she's already claimed that I've got the part, but legit....even if I don't. I'm blessed to have been seen and heard, and to know I'm welcomed back. I really did need the time to pull it together. Baby steps..baby steps.

I think working on myself image has helped ease me back into theatre. Also knowing that I want to just do WAY more than theatre, and tie my fitness into this brand I'm building for myself. Through all of this I'm still on the go go go! Working tirelessly and saving all my money to get myself off the ground. I just needed to find my OWN groove. I've watched and learned from many, now figuring out what works for me. Having other theatre performers reach out to me for advice on staying fit, while performing or not. It's a euphoric feeling.

I'm humbled...I really am. I can't and won't complain. Just striving to work hard and find my niche' here in NYC. I'm not one to just settle and give in. I'm only setting myself up for a good future. Taking my life to the next level. I can't stress to anyone meet how important it is for them to strive to do what you came here for. After working places where I see my talented friends stay stagnate, or get caught up in settling...only drives me even more to succeed.

LOVE, PEACE, and LIGHT!

-Tyree

Redemption

Redemption: The action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil

I'm off with a start into Week 3 of my journey. Week 2 was very good to me. Last week I was really focusing on my form in the gym, and making small changes in my eating. I'm not doing a crazy cut right now, because I'm not supposed to do a full cut until March so I've had to make sure I'm really eating 6 times a day...which is HARD as hell for someone like me who is always on the go. I've been pushing some really heavy weight in the gym. Making sure that my upper and lower body are both balanced and even. I've really started giving myself more credit for what I've been doing over the years with being consistent with exercising and living a pretty healthy lifestyle. I'm really starting to see that for myself, and that's important because a lot of the time I hear people tell me how good I look etc, but I don't always see that for myself because I always think there is more I can improve on, and I can, but I'm learning to start appreciating myself a little bit more.

This is hard work for me. It's one of my main goals to get my physique and health sharp as I go into my 30's. I've been working on this on and off sense I was in college and that was some years back.


Over the past 3 years that I've been here I finally feel like I'm working towards the things that I moved here for. True I wasn't going to move to NYC at all, but I'm here and I feel like I've found my way here and the life I'm striving to live here. I miss home, and the comforts of Alabama, but I see myself doing great things for myself and others. It's crazy to think that finding this love for fitness is bringing back into doing the things I love to do and saving me from errors in the past. Still learning, I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to be perfect. I'm learning to make myself relatable and understanding where others are coming from.

This past Sunday at church was really good. The lesson was something I needed to here. I deal mentally with issues from my past and there are times where I will let it get the best of me, but now I'm in place where it's not holding me back anymore. My past doesn't hold me back, it's me holding me back. Now that I've stopped focusing on my mistakes and I'm looking more and more to my present and future it's been really good. I've been cleaning a lot of my social media of people I'm not really in contact or consistent communication with, just because I want to keep my circle small, and as I've said in previous entries, I only want those who've been rocks in my life to have intimate access to me. Of course I've got my instagram, and I love sharing myself with the world on there, and I'm doing it in a very positive way, because I do want people to be able to reach out to me for information on fitness and also build a reputation for myself as a mogul. Right paths, right tracks. I'm learning from a lot of people, and people are helping me and I'm so grateful for that.


I only strive to do better for myself. I'm living in my authenticity. No toxicity.

J. Cole asked a question "Do You Want To Be Happy?" My answer is "YES!" I'm happy with where my life is heading. I'm happy with a better sense of who I am. I want the next chapter of my life to be filled with more good moments, even when bad moments happen I want to grow and learn from them, and not feel weighed down by them. I'm not so focused on being in a relationship...that's not my MAIN priority, I didn't come to NYC for all that. That's a bonus in my opinion. I came here to forge a career, and be a comfortable in my sexuality, and build a sense of family for myself here.

Here's to my redemption, Here's to LIFE!

LOVE, PEACE, and LIGHT

-Tyree

HEY! I SEE YOU 2016!

I made it through my first week of the New Year!

Now we've hit the ground running on my Journey to 30 and it's so exciting. The past week I've been dedicating myself not only to my fitness goals, but spending time figuring out what my next plan of action is too put myself out there in this entertainment world and fitness world. Meeting with people on how to brand myself accordingly, but still staying authentic to who I am and who I'm becoming as a man/person. The outpouring of love that has been shown to me over the last month or so has been really warming for me. Just rebuilding my confidence and not letting the this place swallow me whole. It's been really cool to see people from my past reconnect with me and reach out to me. Coming out of my emotional rut and feeling good. I love smiling. I love the fact that I can have fun, but switch to business mode with ease. Finding my love for the arts again. I restarted my backstage account at the behest of my agent, and I got a gig..which is really good. I was losing faith in my abilities as an artist and I think the past few years here in NYC and not really working, I've gained some life experiences, which is now informing my work. I remember my teachers in college once told me that near my 30's and on is where I'd really start getting work...they were SO right. I've got to give that to them.

I'm creating my own brand as person, finding my niche', paving my own way. This is really fun and cool. After seeing the "The Color Purple" a few weeks back it really helped my find hope in myself. Also I've never really cried during a show, like I did that production. Seeing the whole cast work together to bring such a wonderful story together. Keeping it so simple, yet powerful and moving. I've always felt like Ms. Celie in some ways and seeing her pull through made me entire heart beat with joy, and filled my face with tears of happiness.

Seeing my favorite musical "The Wiz" being retold for a new generation, and Hamilton...that's a whole blog by itself. Just seeing people of color onstage at this time in my life has been just what I need.

Walking proudly in my own skin. Clearing out my past and building a new future, with some old people, and many new ones. Getting fit and reaching my goals. Remembering ONE GOAL, ONE STEP at a time. That's the only way you get there.

Love, PEACE, light, LIFE

-Tyree