Early Morning… 4a.m. listening to Common
I licked my finger and stuck in the air and I fill a wind of changing coming for me pretty soon. Now that I've been in NYC for awhile and I've found my groove and pace..I'm going to be making some changes for myself. I was talking to my roommate a week or two ago about how I'm going to be throwing myself back into my work with theatre, writing, composing, and other art projects that interest me. To each there own on how they find there place in this city and we grow, and learn at our own pace. I think I needed to really explore all of New York for all that is is. I've explored every Boroughs (Queens, Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Staten Island), and it's little communities in each Borough. I'm an adventurer and exploring is a big part of who I am and the city has given me a lot to explore and I've got more to explore.
In a good place right now…
I spent a full year and a half here in NYC with NO traveling. The purpose of that was to fully take in the city on every holiday and every occasion. This year will see me travel to other places outside of my home (NY). I've decided to claim New York as my home. Besides allure of the arts here. Every since I was 7 I told my parents that I'm a New Yorker after watching "Night Court" as a kid. I just don't live for the beauty of this city, but also the bad parts of it too. It all fascinates me. I'm traveling back to Alabama in January and then it's off to Paris, France for a nice "Micro" vacation. This explorers heart is ready to explore more places.
I can't wait to see what this year brings me. There are things that I want to conquer and I want to open my heart up to love this year. Is that a crazy things to think? The last time I was madly in love with someone might have been 4 years ago and after that I tried several other times but my mind wasn't syncing with my heart. Which presented me as being closed off as a person. This time I'm going to change things around for myself.
Well that it's for now!
Here's to travel, second chance at a love life, and a better me!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
The Imperfect Person Finally Appears (Starting over…coming out..coming clean.)
I don't know when I'll blog again so I'm going to word vomit this all out there…..deal with it!
2013 is coming to an end for me and there is A LOT on this guys mind. I feel like I'm being pulled in many different directions with my career and what I really would like to be doing. I'm up early and I'm jamming out to Miles Davis and this music is really doing something to my spirit right now…I've noticed that I've changed a lot since moving here to NYC..I don't feel like some Newbie or Kid with wide eyes anymore. I guess with age comes a lot more maturity and grace. Maybe a touch of jadedness too..but just a touch.
This morning my brain is rapt with contemplation of whether I should write any of this out..but I feel like it's time. I've only told one person what's been going on with me recently. I've been going to see someone about my depression…woo there it is and it's officially out in the open. Back in early October while at my apartment while my roommate where gone I almost made a rash decision and after a phone call with my parents, but something stopped me dead in my tracks and I made the decision to finally seek out help. Getting the help I needed has been the best thing recently that I could do for myself. I've put up a facade for everyone because I didn't want everyone to know what was going on in my personal life. Trust me when I say I wanted to reach out to people and tell them what was going on but it's very hard to do when even the most important people you need to tell aren't themselves available or on my end to afraid to really tell anybody. My Therapist and I have been dealing with a lot of my issues that stem from my weight/image issues and I've been able to recall things from middle school which I think surprised him..but I'm like a damn Elephant and I don't forget anything. We've also been talking about my trust issues and how I'm not really open to anybody. We've been breaking down these barriers every week along with pre-scribed medication. I don't get exactly what the medication is doing for me, but I think what's most important for me right now is to actually have someone to talk to about what's going on in my life weekly.
In the past to ignore the issues that were going on with me I'd binge eat and then that turned into working out. It wasn't until this past August that a friend of mine told me while were out that even though they were proud of the weight I'd lost that I did need to recognize that Working Out can become a addiction as well..she was right! I dropped down to 165 lbs (I'm at a healthy 180 now) but one friend also thought I had HIV because I was getting so thin. My mother broke down in tears when I sent her a picture when I was 165 and she didn't like it all and she encouraged me to go get help. I must preface that I was eating..but only at certain times of the day.
I KNOW that NOW I don't have to be there for everyone and I don't need everyones approval. If my feelings are hurt..I've started just telling people straight up and this is only the beginning of me getting better. I want to get better and I will.
I know I've lost touch with a lot of people and friends but I've been dealing with this beast the best way I can. I'm still going to drop wisdom and I've grown to have more since my issues. I don't want anyone to have to deal with what I've been through/going through/ and working through.
Here's to coming clean, and getting better!
MUCH LOVE TO Y'ALL!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Step 1: Self-Worth, Be Intoxicating, and Red Wine
What is self-worth? What does is it mean to be intoxicating?
Since moving out here to NYC it feels like I get a life lesson everyday. Maybe everyday is a life lesson and I'm just now realizing this.
On Aug. 2nd I started the race into my late twenties...damn I'm getting older...and with it has come one hell of a race. I've been on this self-worth kick a lot lately. It dawned on me recently that I haven't been aware of my own self-worth. I'm a giver and not a much of a taker (Take that anyway you want too!) and I give, give, give. I give a lot to my friends, and I've given a lot to my various lovers too. But the other day I took a step back and thought about what I've been doing to put myself in this position.
I was talking to a friend the other day and I was like "I think I'm ready to start dating again." Now this is a HUGE DEAL. Since moving here I've been in two relationships as said earlier the first guy was great and we are still really close friends...Now I don't even really mention the second one because of how I was treated...here's where I open up. I was introduced by a co-worker/friend to her roommate who thought that He and I would hit it off. We met and BAM we DID hit it off. We ended up going out on a few dates and such things seemed to be going great. First let me say that I believe that a higher power will ALWAYS show you signs of when it's time to get out of a bad situation and we just have to be smart enough to recognize these signs when they are shown to us. That "Higher" Power bitch smacked me in the face 3 times before I actually got what was happening. I guess I had put up some type of blinders so that I couldn't tell how I was being talked too, or being belittled by this guy. I was allowing him to say things to me and about me to my face and I was just laughing it off like it was a joke, but inside I was taking them to heart. Every time that I was allowing him to belittle me I was allowing him to take away ounces of my self-worth. I was already on my quest to better myself as person mentally, and physically, and this pit stop was a test of wills. Finally the day came with a phone call that would make me ended it myself. I've never been one to end a relationship before, but this one made me go "No, this mother fucker cannot continue on my journey with me, FUCK THAT!" So in calm Tyree nature I ended it, but not just there. I cleansed him completely out of my life. Facebook, Instagram, Cell-phone...I wiped him away. I couldn't let someone like that be apart of me while trying to tear me down. So here I am...single and loving this shit! hahah :D
As I said in the earlier post. I needed to be single so I can have some hold of my worth again. I think I personally need to know what it's like to be alone so I can value my worth, and REALLY know my worth before I let another person share my worth. I'm learning to be intoxicating. Yesterday I told myself that "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." Everything happens in steps right? I completed Step 1 last night by cutting back on my alcohol. Usually afterwork a few coworkers and I go out for a drink after work, but yesterday I told myself ONLY red wine...at least I'm getting some antioxidants out of it right? LMFAO! After that we went to The Ritz for all of 10 minutes before I saw it get to crazy for me to handle and instead of joining in I quietly said goodnight to everyone as they went left and I went right. As I walked away in popped in my head to say "Step 1" and when I said that this smile just came across my face because that's when it actually felt like I just made the very first step towards something better. That feeling felt really good. I'm getting back to me everyday..and I can feel it. I'm making moves to transition from my job, I'm starting to really find my passion with theatre, and the boys...one step at a time right? I said to myself.."If someone wants to date me it's time for them to step up and say something, because this time I'm not doing it. I've done the work and now it's time to see someone else put forth the effort for a change. I KNOW MY WORTH & I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER."
FUCK YEAH...I'm INTOXICATING!
-Ty
P.S. I love Miley Cyrus ;)
Since moving out here to NYC it feels like I get a life lesson everyday. Maybe everyday is a life lesson and I'm just now realizing this.
On Aug. 2nd I started the race into my late twenties...damn I'm getting older...and with it has come one hell of a race. I've been on this self-worth kick a lot lately. It dawned on me recently that I haven't been aware of my own self-worth. I'm a giver and not a much of a taker (Take that anyway you want too!) and I give, give, give. I give a lot to my friends, and I've given a lot to my various lovers too. But the other day I took a step back and thought about what I've been doing to put myself in this position.
I was talking to a friend the other day and I was like "I think I'm ready to start dating again." Now this is a HUGE DEAL. Since moving here I've been in two relationships as said earlier the first guy was great and we are still really close friends...Now I don't even really mention the second one because of how I was treated...here's where I open up. I was introduced by a co-worker/friend to her roommate who thought that He and I would hit it off. We met and BAM we DID hit it off. We ended up going out on a few dates and such things seemed to be going great. First let me say that I believe that a higher power will ALWAYS show you signs of when it's time to get out of a bad situation and we just have to be smart enough to recognize these signs when they are shown to us. That "Higher" Power bitch smacked me in the face 3 times before I actually got what was happening. I guess I had put up some type of blinders so that I couldn't tell how I was being talked too, or being belittled by this guy. I was allowing him to say things to me and about me to my face and I was just laughing it off like it was a joke, but inside I was taking them to heart. Every time that I was allowing him to belittle me I was allowing him to take away ounces of my self-worth. I was already on my quest to better myself as person mentally, and physically, and this pit stop was a test of wills. Finally the day came with a phone call that would make me ended it myself. I've never been one to end a relationship before, but this one made me go "No, this mother fucker cannot continue on my journey with me, FUCK THAT!" So in calm Tyree nature I ended it, but not just there. I cleansed him completely out of my life. Facebook, Instagram, Cell-phone...I wiped him away. I couldn't let someone like that be apart of me while trying to tear me down. So here I am...single and loving this shit! hahah :D
As I said in the earlier post. I needed to be single so I can have some hold of my worth again. I think I personally need to know what it's like to be alone so I can value my worth, and REALLY know my worth before I let another person share my worth. I'm learning to be intoxicating. Yesterday I told myself that "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." Everything happens in steps right? I completed Step 1 last night by cutting back on my alcohol. Usually afterwork a few coworkers and I go out for a drink after work, but yesterday I told myself ONLY red wine...at least I'm getting some antioxidants out of it right? LMFAO! After that we went to The Ritz for all of 10 minutes before I saw it get to crazy for me to handle and instead of joining in I quietly said goodnight to everyone as they went left and I went right. As I walked away in popped in my head to say "Step 1" and when I said that this smile just came across my face because that's when it actually felt like I just made the very first step towards something better. That feeling felt really good. I'm getting back to me everyday..and I can feel it. I'm making moves to transition from my job, I'm starting to really find my passion with theatre, and the boys...one step at a time right? I said to myself.."If someone wants to date me it's time for them to step up and say something, because this time I'm not doing it. I've done the work and now it's time to see someone else put forth the effort for a change. I KNOW MY WORTH & I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER."
FUCK YEAH...I'm INTOXICATING!
-Ty
P.S. I love Miley Cyrus ;)
Monday, September 9, 2013
Picking Up Where I Left Off...Has it really been a year?
I needed to take a break from this blogging situation because I wasn't doing anything but being depressing and just updating about what has been going on in my life.
So here's the deal...I'm just going to blog at random and whatever grabs my attention.
I celebrated my one year anniversary here in NYC and I decided to make some pretty big changes that are now in full effect. This summer has been one HUGE enlightenment about who I am and who I really want to be. Since moving to this city it's really been kicking my ass left and right. Some of it good and some of it not so good. When I first got here I hit the ground running auditioning like a speed demon and getting callback after callback and not landing anything, but that's ok not everyone get something right off the bat. I was going out everyday with my best bud/brother Jordan and we were rocking this city every night. I found a job my first week here and I even started seeing someone right when I moved here....needless to say one night the guy said something very ignorant and I got off the train and never spoke to him again. Not really sorry about it either! ;) Later on I'd meet another guy who I'd date for sometime and needless to say I ended up learning more about myself with him than I ever had before...and that guy is still one of the most enduring people I look up too. I got cast in two shows here and one ended before we opened due to Hurricane Sandy, but the other show stretched my acting and struck a cord with me.
In the midst of all these events I lost A large amount of weight. I moved here 210lbs and now I'm at 180lbs and I've got 20 more lbs to go!
This city has done something to me that I can't even really put down in words. I've explored my sexuality, I've pushed boundaries with things and people I would've never done back home and I've even..and this is the biggest one of them all...I've TAKEN CHANCES. I've taken chances. I have this huge fear of failure and rejection. Not every chance I took was a good one, but I feel I've learned so much from them all. I took a chance on Love, drugs, and alcohol..all which I'm willing to discuss and will discuss later on if you chose to follow these insane blogs.
This spring and summer as a single man has actually been a really good one. I think it's so important to know what it feels like to be by yourself before I let anyone back in my life. I'm adjusting to my new look and self and not letting it get to my head. I can tell the difference between the guys that just want to hit it and the guys that want to date me. The only thing crazy about this scene up here is that I've found that so many guys play into the stereotypes up here A LOT. Even at my gym the Gym Queens each have there own cliques and its actually pretty funny to me. The other day while I was changing in the locker room one guy who runs with a certain group at the gym came up behind me so he could touch my legs...that shit through me OFF!!! "You've got some killer legs" he said and I replied "Thank you" and quickly dipped out. I'm not trying to get kicked out of the gym for you dude. NOT TODAY! (insert laugh)
Besides my so called "love" life...I've been devouring theatre like its my job, but I'm really looking to transition from stage to screen. I've done two short films and shot a commercial...and I booked another commercial that I'll be shooting next month. I gotta keep me head in what I came up here for, but I also want to bartend and get certified as a personal trainer...I can do it all right?
I've learned that I do so much, that I don't make much time for my personal life...and that's a problem because I do miss my friends ..but anyone who really knows me knows that I never like to be still for more than a second..I need to be doing something.
This blog is so random right? That's what I meant for this one to be...thought vomit!
Well, I'm still a hopeless romantic who wants to be Prince Charming...not Cinderella.
LOVE AND LIGHT Y'ALL (Still a southern guy in a big city.)
So here's the deal...I'm just going to blog at random and whatever grabs my attention.
I celebrated my one year anniversary here in NYC and I decided to make some pretty big changes that are now in full effect. This summer has been one HUGE enlightenment about who I am and who I really want to be. Since moving to this city it's really been kicking my ass left and right. Some of it good and some of it not so good. When I first got here I hit the ground running auditioning like a speed demon and getting callback after callback and not landing anything, but that's ok not everyone get something right off the bat. I was going out everyday with my best bud/brother Jordan and we were rocking this city every night. I found a job my first week here and I even started seeing someone right when I moved here....needless to say one night the guy said something very ignorant and I got off the train and never spoke to him again. Not really sorry about it either! ;) Later on I'd meet another guy who I'd date for sometime and needless to say I ended up learning more about myself with him than I ever had before...and that guy is still one of the most enduring people I look up too. I got cast in two shows here and one ended before we opened due to Hurricane Sandy, but the other show stretched my acting and struck a cord with me.
In the midst of all these events I lost A large amount of weight. I moved here 210lbs and now I'm at 180lbs and I've got 20 more lbs to go!
This city has done something to me that I can't even really put down in words. I've explored my sexuality, I've pushed boundaries with things and people I would've never done back home and I've even..and this is the biggest one of them all...I've TAKEN CHANCES. I've taken chances. I have this huge fear of failure and rejection. Not every chance I took was a good one, but I feel I've learned so much from them all. I took a chance on Love, drugs, and alcohol..all which I'm willing to discuss and will discuss later on if you chose to follow these insane blogs.
This spring and summer as a single man has actually been a really good one. I think it's so important to know what it feels like to be by yourself before I let anyone back in my life. I'm adjusting to my new look and self and not letting it get to my head. I can tell the difference between the guys that just want to hit it and the guys that want to date me. The only thing crazy about this scene up here is that I've found that so many guys play into the stereotypes up here A LOT. Even at my gym the Gym Queens each have there own cliques and its actually pretty funny to me. The other day while I was changing in the locker room one guy who runs with a certain group at the gym came up behind me so he could touch my legs...that shit through me OFF!!! "You've got some killer legs" he said and I replied "Thank you" and quickly dipped out. I'm not trying to get kicked out of the gym for you dude. NOT TODAY! (insert laugh)
Besides my so called "love" life...I've been devouring theatre like its my job, but I'm really looking to transition from stage to screen. I've done two short films and shot a commercial...and I booked another commercial that I'll be shooting next month. I gotta keep me head in what I came up here for, but I also want to bartend and get certified as a personal trainer...I can do it all right?
I've learned that I do so much, that I don't make much time for my personal life...and that's a problem because I do miss my friends ..but anyone who really knows me knows that I never like to be still for more than a second..I need to be doing something.
This blog is so random right? That's what I meant for this one to be...thought vomit!
Well, I'm still a hopeless romantic who wants to be Prince Charming...not Cinderella.
LOVE AND LIGHT Y'ALL (Still a southern guy in a big city.)
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