Where Did My Confidence Go?

2014..I wonder what you have to offer.

I'm settled in and I'm ready to write. I've got a lot on my mind.

Tonight I'm thinking about a lot of things. I'm thinking about where I want to be in my life, and everything that come a long with that. I made it though 2013 and it had its highs and lows but I wouldn't take not one single moment of it for granted. This year I'm not making any resolutions because I don't feel that resolutions are really my thing. This year I just want to make things right for myself and along the way right for others too. My mother and I had a very in depth conversation a couple of nights ago and we talked about how I'm not the same Tyree that everyone use to know and that somewhere along the way I lost confidence in myself. That was one major factor I think my Mom hit right on the head…isn't it funny when your Mom is right ALL THE TIME even when you don't really like to admit it?

Confidence…that's what I lost. I lost my confidence. I lost my confidence about life,love, and happiness. When a person loses confidence a lot can go down. I haven't been very candid about my life before and it really shocked me when a reader of this blog came up to me and told me that this blog was probably the first time they ever felt like I was giving an actually glimpse into who I am as a person. To them I was the person that everyone could tell there life story too, but yet I'd never tell mine or let them into my own personal space. I couldn't help but that this person was right. I've learned that I'm very good at building walls. When I don't want to get to personal about myself I will construct a wall so quick that you would never know I'd built it until it appeared in front of you. It's actually been that tearing down this wall that's really been eye opening for me. I've made some very big decisions lately some for myself. With restoring my confidence is I'm going to start speaking my mind a lot more. It's time for me to stop letting people just treat me anyway they see fit or say things to me and it be "okay." When I say that I'm going to start speaking my mind. I'm going to be completely open about how I feel or how I've been made to feel. It's not me being malicious or catty but it's been honesty and saying "This is how you made me feel about this myself or this situation." It's also me being more proactive and assertive about how I allow people to treat me.

Next up…making time for others. Point blank I'm going to be doing my best to make time for people in my life. Usually when I get caught up dating someone or NOW (WORK) I don't make time for others because I get caught up. With that though I do expect the same respect back. I do feel like that if someone goes out of there way to rearrange there schedule for you and make the time to be apart of your life and you in theirs, show some respect and show up! I'm guilty of this as well on many levels, but I'm going to change that. I'm thankful for people in my life like Ayesha and Shantay who openly call me out when I don't show up and spend time with them and they do it out of pure love for me…and that's respect. I'm also going to learn from them and do the same to other people that I make time for, and just start calling them out on their bullshit.

This is the year of me being open and honest about myself, and who I am, and what I expect from myself and others. The other day I was talking to a group of friends and I was explaining to them how I feel that a lot of people see me as being a lot younger than I actually am and I feel like I've experienced that in past relationship too. I had remind someone that I'm a 27 years old MAN…and I don't like being talked down to like I'm a teenager or newbie. I'm a grown ass man and I want to be talked to as one and respected like one.

I'm more focused on making it in my career field. I want to make a difference in my community and I want to give, and give..but I don't want to lose my sense of self and my worth.

As far as future relationships are concerned the old assertive, and dominate Tyree will be back in full effect. I think I come off as passive in relationships and I know now it was due to insecurities with myself and how I allowed myself to be treated or talked too. Not this time. Funny Grindr side story…the fact that every man on their hits me up and is pretty sure I'm a bottom baffles the shit out of me because I don't reveal if I'm a top or bottom to them. You can't tell me what I am LOL. I know what I am and that's for whoever I'm dating to know. That's something else that's going to disappear out of my life Grindr and all the other crazy gay sex apps out there. In 2013 all I ever saw it do was cause trouble for other people and I'm not about that life.

That was a lot…

Here's to a new year and Confidence!

PEACE! :)