Stumbling is not falling.

The end of March is upon us and April showers will soon be pouring down over NYC.

This month has been a whirlwind of many highs and very few lows for me. I've made so many new and wonderful friends this month. All types of faces and many from different places. I've been out supporting new made friends and I see that when you go out and support those people that they too will bring that support and love right back to you. A few blogs ago I discussed how I was job hunting and for a month I'd been interviewing for one place and I ended up not getting it, but at the end of this month I applied for another job and I ended up getting a very kick-ass offer. With that it seems that everything is starting to come together like it should. For awhile it seemed that I was rushing myself to get to where I wanted it to be, but what I really needed to understand that everything does take time, and there is no hurrying needed. My course. My pace.

I spent this month really beginning to fine tune my physical goals, and some mental goals too! This whole year I'm so determined to leave the past in the past, and continue to #win in everything that I put my mind too. I've started to reconnect with some people, and to talk about where it all went wrong and to just go from there. It's really been thanks to some really positive people in my life right now, who don't have to sugarcoat anything to me. I hate sugar coating. Give me the bare bones truth and facts.

Right now my #1 priority is getting back to me, and making my life experience worth while and exciting again. I've stumbled while here, but I've not fallen down. Getting to the place where I can trust again. Myself and others. Also getting to a place where I can be open about my feelings (I DO HAVE THEM) and coming to terms with everything else that's been going on in my life. I think my biggest obstacle is forgiving my past. To talk about the brewing hate that I built up in my heart for some people, baffles me. I don't even like to use the word, but the anguish, or thought of them use to burn my mental gears and then I thought to myself...this person has too much power over me if I've got this much anger for them. I would ask myself "How does this person have so much control? When did I give them this power?" I said "Ok, I've got to shake this anger off my heart, I'm too good of a person to let someone who clearly doesn't have there personal shit together to dominate my life." That person is keeping me in a place where I can't even be mentally free because they fucked me over because of something that's going on with them. I don't want to live in it and I don't want to have any part in it anymore, and to be quite frank..I don't want MY FRIENDS apart of it either, and I sure as hell don't want them to be apart of that. One of my close friends witnessed what happened to me, and after that I just don't want that type of life, or situation to happen ever again. I see the positives of all that happened. I came out on top a much better person and someone who is now more aware and not going to let someone make me think that what they do is ok, if it feels wrong to me. There's a valid reason I'm feeling that way because my feelings are so valid. Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it, and right is right even if nobody is doing it. If someone doesn't respect that then they have no business being around you or your inner circle.

It pains me because I let that effect not only my self-image and self-worth, but it also effected other people I tried to date. Hurts my heart so bad to think that what was done to me, I was just passing those same actions and thoughts on because I was beginning to think that's how it is here. It doesn't have to be that way. That ends with me. Everyone has a heart and nobody wants there heart to be broken or taken from them, or trampled upon. That was done to me, and now I'll be damned if I continue what happened to me, and pass it on to someone else. It's like a STD..the gift that keeps on giving.

IF it wasn't for my love for fitness and the arts I would totally not be in the best position right now. I'm only writing this now..because I'm a place now where it's time to talk about it, and I want to talk about it, and share it. I see the gym and the theatre as my sanctuaries from every outside force that could try to get at me in a negative light. You know, yeah, I spend a lot of time in the gym, but it's my thing, it's my hobby and if it wasn't for that...you'll never know. Piecing my life together, and making up for lost time is a day to day struggle. I took on a new lifestyle, and it's worked wonders for me...HELL I even look younger because of it. Good is coming...SO MUCH good is coming. Little by little. Everyday that I have a smile on my face when I get up..I want to share it with someone next to me. Life is and will be beautiful.

WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET THE UP!!! That's for damn sure!!!

MUCH LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU ALL!!!

I'm out!!

Feeling Good.

A new week for of new challenges, and new beginnings have begun for me. I took two off days from the gym to let my body heal and to prep for the new stuff that's happening this week. I'm going full force into bodybuilding. I know that some people don't want me to get that this big, but it's not about what they want. It's about what I want. Everyday that I'm in the gym and I feel and see myself grow, and my physique get better, my joy goes full throttle through the roof and I've got to do what makes me happy. Yesterday (Monday) I had the hardest chest day ever. With bodybuilding, you've really go to push yourself in all areas. I was huffing, puffing, and grunting while doing longer sets and pushing my body to failure. When I started at Planet Fitness, I was quiet and made no noise, but now that I'm at NYSC, and DBG..I'm making all the noises. Feels good! Real Good!

The real struggle right now is forcing myself to eat 5 to 6 times a day, but it's all good. I eat my snacks (Nuts, and Berries) and push through.

All I can think about are the gains I'm going to make! I'm two weeks from my Spartan Exercise challenge and I'm super pumped about it!

I'm proud of how far I pushed myself yesterday in the gym. I know the pay off is going to be great in the end. I'm going to try to blog/ journal everyday, before I sleep this week, because I know that to hold myself accountable with what I'm doing I need to do this more often. Im logging in my progress as well in a written journal too.

Optimism Returns

GO AWAY February and I welcome in a wonderful March!

What can I write about? Well I woke up this morning with a pleasant smile on my face. Nothing in particular has happened except that fact that I'm feeling and doing a lot better than usual. So far I've walked into this year way better than last year. The outlook is better and I feel better about some things. My gym attitude is at a ALL TIME HIGH!!! Seeing my body change because of what I'm doing is a thrill and excitement to me. Seeing my body grow the right way and doing the right things to make gains in strength, and really seeing this change and looking at my body as piece of art.

Everyday I've been getting up at around 6 or 7am to put in the man hours to get to my tip top best physical shape. I'm so dedicated to this process that it's crazy. Going through with this lifestyle change has really helped me give me more of sense of what I want right now and in the future. I cut a lot of un-needed bullshit out of my life. Men, Crazy partying, crazy drinking, and trying to be someone else that I'm clearly not. Just being myself, and honest with who I am, and what I want really is great accomplishment for me. It's got to the point that even if I feel myself start to cave I pull myself together really quick. I'm trying to remember who said that I wouldn't be able to do this...right, I stopped talking to all of them. It feels good to be surrounded by just really positive people and making new friends who see what I'm going through and are just overall supportive of me and the changes I'm making. I've even made good friends with people who I thought I would never make friends with.

My workouts and diet are insane!!!! I fucking LOVE IT!!! Haha It's really strict but to make gains I've got to eat right and I've been posting a lot of what I've been cooking on my instagram and sharing my feelings through facebook, which I don't mind because I've got to start spreading all this goodness that's been sitting in me for so long.

Looking forward to my very first adult out the country experience in September. Curacao you're calling my name!!! I'm excited about that.

Each day is a new day to make things right! I'm not my past and I'm not my yesterdays. Everyday I'm climbing to a better me and smiling often and not living in my past. A FUCKING MEN!!!

Love and Light!! I'm OUT!!!