My facebook status last night was take from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts"
"My aspiration in life is to be happy..."
We have all been in or seen relationships where one or both people are trying to make something work but it never seems to work. The relationship feels broken. Through talking with other couples, and even my own experiences I have encountered symptoms of brokenness or a series of dysfunctional patterns (i.e tantrums, selfish motivations, manipulation, inability to be reasonable, withholding information, not taking responsibility and avoiding truth) that become the primary way in which we operate within our day-to-day relationships. Brokenness can create an empty feeling or sense of hopelessness which makes communication nearly impossible and highlights the patterns that keep us from wholeness and wellness.
I used the word broken to describe the experiences of same gender loving men of color who have historically had no model for healthy relationships. These men have also spent the vast majority of their romantic and sexual encounters in secrecy. Trying to create and sustain an emotional safe space for communication, honesty and transparency can be quite the challenge for anyone not living their truth. The word broken my not resonate with all of you; some may personalize the statement and became extremely offended. It was never intended to offend, however truth has an uncanny way of offending people. The word broken can become difficult for some people to move beyond; however today other wellness and spiritual gurus such as T.D Jakes, Brene Brown and Iyanla Vanzant have used the word or comparable language, and now it has become socially acceptable because it is mainstream. The point being made is that we must be honest about our condition. We cannot change something if we refuse to acknowledge its existence. There is the saying, if there is a will there is a way, but I say there can be no will where there is no awareness.
Our individual brokenness can lead to our growing apart in our relationships. We start to feel the differences between us are so great that we may never be on the same page again. Growing apart doesn’t happen all at once. It usually feels like a covert operation. One day you wake up and you don’t even recognize your relationship. What was once feedback is now a barrage of critical digs. The messiness spills out in the presence of family and friends and seeping into all areas of our lives. I want to take this time to remind you that you were probably working on you before the relationship and the rush of love or the need to be sexually and socially validated bumped your “take care of me” mind set to the back burner. Suddenly things have changed and you are reminded through your partner’s action or inaction of the work you were supposed to do before you entered into a relationship. The relationship has suddenly become a mirror of the “you” that you did not fix. You simply brought all the broken pieces of you which were poorly glued together in order to give the appearance of a whole healthy person. Real talk, you have always needed to do this work and so has your partner. Your relationships are just reflecting what and who you are.
Coming together and building a life should never be without a clear commitment to continue to do your self-work. We are so invested in the relationship work that we want to do or allowing ourselves to become so distracted by the relationship that we forget that the purpose of our relationships is to flourish and thrive when two wholes come together. Instead we are two holes coming together hoping one can fill the other and soon we realize it will never be enough. Get clear and stay clear about your self-work and involve your partner so that you both are on the same page. We can minimize the drama in our conflict by acknowledging our strengths and limitations, accepting our partner’s perception of strengths and limitation and deciding what kind of relationship we want to be; however we must first decide what kind of ME do I want to be. Then work towards your ideal relationship. Is it one that is equal or one that is equitable?
Equity and equality are both great tools. They force us to communicate our intentions and needs. If you find yourself in a stuck relationship of any kind, I caution you to revisit the self-work you started to do before your relationship. I also encourage you to identify the family themes and patterns of brokenness that you may have inherited, which might very well be showing up in your relationships. Had we been the decedents of people who communicated in a way that was healthy who knew how to take responsibility and be held accountable for their actions; and most importantly who learned how to love and like themselves; then that would mean you would have come from a history of people who understood wholeness and were able to operate as their ideal self. You would be without the brokenness or at least you would have the tools to combat brokenness, and you would be on your way to practicing wholeness. Wholeness is not just a state of being it is making choices that are in your best interest along the journey. You see, the real secret to a happy long relationship is to start that relationship with two individuals who are already whole, because at the end of the day love and happiness is an inside job.
Well g2g PEACE
P.S.
Loving myself back to life
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