Wow,
It's been ages since I've had the time to post anything on here. I took a much needed break from blogging to get my shit together. Look at God! Sometime life calls for you to take a break and exam what's really going on in your life. I guess my last post was sometime in July I believe and after that I just stopped. The key thing that I failed to realize with me is that writing is essential to me. I don't want to get trapped into having to write weekly or feel like I have to put something out there for the people when this is really for me. I need to be able to write when it's time to write and this is one of those times.
I guess I'll start with saying this summer was really where change and growth for me happened. I hate the winters here in NYC, I feel like it brings on some type of depression and it magnifies that for people who already have depression. To catch myself up about what I've talked about before in previous blogs at the beginning of the year...I ended a relationship with someone so that I could begin to focus solely on myself. There was a lot of back and forth with that, but I think that comes with every ending as you start a new beginning. Spring rolled around I dropped my weight so I could begin to build muscle. I also tried to befriend and ex, which come June after an event and being devastated I decided to end contact with him and also end contact with all my exe's, whether it was to stop talking to them blank point period, or not interact with them on social media. Time will mend itself. I think what I realized at that point that night I was standing on a roof top in Harlem and looking over at New Jersey, that I had really lost a sense of who I was because I had become so soft and nice to people, never really standing up for myself. It was that very night that I felt growth and change begin to happen for me.
I picked myself up on my own and began to work on my own and at my own pace. I think it takes being shattered to see where you need to start over with yourself. I know now that in life you're going to fall down tons of times, but you sure as hell have to pick yourself up again and keep going. Life doesn't stop after disappointment. I started saving money to put my own self through school without the assistance of my parents and family, simply because it makes me put more effort into my studies and holds me more accountable because it's my money at hand. Getting certified to be a personal trainer and I'm going to be studying nutrition. It's so crazy the road life takes us. Because I want to better my body image it has made me very passionate about health and fitness.
Somebody this year told me that I could not change. Now I laugh because they are so very wrong. A long time ago i learned to not let word hurt me, and to pay attention to what people say when they are angry. Those words alone made me more powerful than I had expected.
With growth and change you also begin to let go of stuff that you feel is bringing you down a bit. At my day job I took a position that I thought would be good for me through the course of taking on the position I learned that this isn't what I want to be doing here, because it doesn't make me happy, and I realized that for me personally that I'm not there for that, and I don't want to move up in place where don't want to make that my career and I also don't want to mislead anyone and not train them right. I chose not to re-apply for the position and with that it's giving me more time to focus on my outside work like, studying and prepping for the occasional audition, and hanging out with different people and crowds.
I look back at this year so far and realized I'm on the right path. It's not easy, but I can smile a lot more then I ever did. I don't have to validate myself to anyone anymore and I can take my past mistakes and learn from them instead of letting them get the best of me. I'm still on this journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me. We are always growing, we are always changing, but this time I'm doing it for the right reason..and that reason is for me.
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