That Word That Carries A Lot of Weight.

Love, a word that comes and goes, but few people really know what it means to love. - Kirk Franklin

Last night I probably had the deepest discussion with a co-worker that I've had in a long while. The topic was on love. I think that right now we live in an era where we aren't being/giving/experiencing love like we should. Now you will mistake me to think I'm speaking on a romanticized love, no not at all. That's not what I'm writing about. I'm speaking of a love that's been misplaced by a people. Some say it starts with or is found when you experience when you know happiness from within, that's only a piece of the matter. Love is greater, and will always be greater than happiness. I've come to experience happiness without love, and I've known it many times without it, both good and bad. To me happiness is trendy at the moment. From what I have experienced from happiness is that it has a cost when experienced too intensely. Happiness is not suited for every situation, even love, and joy.

My mind has been churning and churning, even more since I've been sober. I see myself thinking more deeply and clearer and recognizing things that under the influence of alcohol I might not have caught before. Before I moved here to New York, I wrote everyday, from general topics, to full plays, exploring and asking the question whether or not we really understand what love entails. I hear people use the word so much, but I don't feel the weight of it when they say it. For some reason, I've always been able to feel the weight on how someone uses there words. When my parents and brother use the word LOVE I can feel the weight on which they use it. To think about how they say it now send my entire body into a un-describable joy. Because I feel that Love is REAL. I have only ever felt that same weight and usage of the word "love" by one other person and that was before I even moved to this city. It should be noted that this city has nothing to do on the effects of love, or how I see it.

I've had people use the word before to me, and sometimes I look at them funny because after they say it because I don't feel the weight that's supposed to be there with that word. I feel like Maya Angelou was right when she said when somebody really loves you, YOU will feel it, and from some people I just don't really feel the weight of the word/ or the feeling that I should be getting from hearing that word said to me. I almost feel very certain that is the universe protecting me from a false sense of love. I don't want to be trapped in a false sense of love just for the sake of being "loved."

Soul Searching is hard at times, and right now it's been doing wonders for me. People sometimes think they know me, but I would like to say that before you even try to say something about me, they should really try figuring out who I am. I am odd, I think a lot, I live in my own little world, I'm amazingly talented at seeing others for who they are and accepting it with no sort of judgements, because I have no stones to through, because I myself am not without sin. I will never be that person that is going to outwardly do malice to anyone. I am living. I truly feel that right now I am in this transition phase of my life that the universe it only setting me up for true success.

I AM CHANGING, I AM BEAUTIFUL...and I've only just started. Some people in my life will fall by wayside, Nobody really knows my past struggles, because they are in the past and that's where they will stay. I want to elevate myself in this life, and bring a long the people that have really really and I mean REALLY helped me a long the way.


Everyday that I change is sometimes so so so so so so so hard, because I'm afraid to let go of some situations, be everyday that I see the light and what's waiting for me at the end I know I'm on the right path. People just don't know the struggle that I'm going through...and nobody else can carry this but me. I see the victory and the obstacles I've already overcome. I'm in the fight...YOU will SEE ME!

I AM HERE!!!

Human Again.

Another week and only more improvements and gains.

I'm still sober! I feel good and thanks to my best friend Logan it's been making this whole process a lot easier to do because he's planning on being sober for life, and I totally applaud him for it. Being sober isn't easy at all. We tried going out for a bit the other evening and we had to stick to Red Bulls (Sugar Free for me), Seltzer and Limes, and Water all evening. We went to several spots in HK before heading back up-town and going to Suite Bar, which ended up being the perfect spot for us, to chill, not be judged and have a really good time. I'd been there once before with an Ex, but being with a close friend was awesome. We met a few drag queens and one said she'd pay me in booze if I got onstage and took my shirt off during her performance. I declined because although I know it would be fun, I'm not at the comfort level where I'd being willing to just do all of that just yet.

I've become so focused with myself as of late, it's crazy. I've put more energy into ME than I ever have before. I FINALLY did the photo shoot for this Fitness clothing line, and I spend a lot of money on gym clothes, supplements, and prepping for my food during the week. I switched to taking online classes for my certification, but school this semester is just too expensive, and I've got a lot on my plate. I've jumped back into acting...which is great! My overall being feels better.

I tried dating a friend, but I quickly learned that right now if I'm REALLY going to focus on me then being single is what I need to be right now. I look at my schedule and my day to day life and right now I don't know where to fit in a relationship. True, you make time for the things you want, but a relationship has to be something I want. I want a relationship, that fits into my lifestyle, and thats healthy for me and him. I'm coming into myself, and with that I know what I want, how I want it to be, and when I want something, and how to make it work. I've had many a failed relationships with guys, and many them due to me, but I know now that's life, and if I don't see myself being with someone long-term, than I'm not going to try and push something that I know is not there.'

Life is so funny...I'm always figuring out things as they happen to me.

Something I must say I'm proud of is my growth and learning more about who Tyree is, and the changes I've made so far. I don't have to pretend to be perfect, I can be flawed, I can hurt, I can hurt others, I can lie, I can be lied too, I can tell the truth, and I can have the truth be told to me. The most important..I AM HUMAN. I AM HUMAN.

I want to love, and love hard..I miss that feeling.

Until next week!

Much LIGHT!

Small Victories.

I've made it through another week...sober, and still feeling good.

Still working out and I've started a new supplement regiment that's getting some cool results so far.

Each week I introduce new things into my lifestyle change and this week I'm going to be moving my workouts from the afternoon to the early mornings before everyone gets in there so I can have more room to work and do what I need to do.

The diet and meal prepping is still solid, and today I treated myself to a Oreo Cupcake! I had a good week so why not? Hell, yeah I and I loved it too!

Being sober has brought about some new challenges this week. The major one being.."How do you have fun on weekends in this city that's not surrounded by alcohol, and I can still be around other guys like me?" The answer is you suck that shit up and you go to the bars and not drink. Keep a red bull, or seltzer in hand and be more social. It's not that hard actually.

Every day I wake-up still sober is another triumph that I'm happy about. Everyday as I see my body change is another small victory for me. I'm learning to appreciate the small victories right now. Change does not happen overnight, this is a slow and hard process.

The countdown to the Spartan Race Exercise event is coming around the corner. I see you March! That's also the beginning of Cutting Season for me. I do love Bulking Season though! ;)

If Life Were Only Made of Moments

I've conquered another week...

Change isn't so hard after all. My thirst of alcohol has actually subsided and I don't feel the stress of wanting alcohol either. Yesterday I attempted to go to my first AA meeting but out of fear of being the new guy I didn't go in. Luckily a good friend of mine was there and told me that next time I should just go in and not be worried about being the new person. Baby steps. It is no secret that I've recognized that I too have had a problem with drinking, and I will say that I don't plan to quit forever, but right now I'm learning how to manage my drinking and so right now I'm quitting altogether. 15 days sober. WOO HOO!

On the up and up! I'm really loving my gym time. I always love my gym time. I'm finally seeing my body change right before my eyes and it's pretty freakin' awesome. I will say that my libido has kicked into overdrive because of it. I think that's due to my more frequent leg days and my testosterone levels are going through the roof! What I'm saying is "I find myself more hornier than usual!" Which is a good thing. I feel like the last few people I've dated I haven't been as sexually attracted to them because of things going on in my head, and whatnot, but lord there are days I find myself with a boner and I have no clue what to do with it! Oh well!

Regaining ground of my life is what's important right now. This coming week I'm prepping my meals, going harder in the gym and moving forward with my life. I found myself less stressed at work, which meant more money for me, and I'm on the hunt for somewhere new to work while working this job too! A change of pace here would be nice for me.

I'm teaching myself how to date people, I'm not looking for a relationship right at this moment, but it would be nice to have a guy around to take out every now and again, and vice versa. One step at a time Ty...I tell myself. I'm in no hurry to be shacked up, but decent friendly company would be nice.


That's all for now!

LOVE, PEACE, AND LIGHT!

Change Don't Come Easy

I'm fighting a battle that I know won't last forever, but it is a tough battle. I've decided to change my lifestyle completely, for the better. The only thing that has been troubling me has been the fact that a few people aren't too cool about it and I've lost some friends because of it. Last night I learned that with this change some people are going to fall by the way side, some will not want to see me change, and some people will hate just because they can. What I have to do is keep moving forward, and keep on the path and know that this battle won't always last.

I went home for the Christmas and I was so happy to be home and surrounded by family and old friends. It really centered me again. My brother has been diagnosed with cancer but he's still the same man, with the same attitude. Mom is still my Mom, and My Dad and I actually hugged each other and told each other that we love each other. That means a lot to me, because my Dad and I never really did that while I was growing up.

I do feel good about this change that I'm doing , but it is very hard mentally on me. I pray so hard not to fuck up and not let what people say or my inner-self get the best of me. Everyday that I don't have a drink, or I'm tempted to put trash in my body...and I think about what the outcome will be by not putting it in my body and I move forward. I pray everyday not to give in to what going on around me and so far so good.

I don't regret anything that's happened to me, or that I've done to others because I know that everything happens for a reason and those things had to happen so that I could get here. Now I want to just live in the moment and make the best of those moments, without judgement and without fear.

October I decided to change and now it's January 2015 and I'm still going strong. I can do this!