#GAY #LIFE #REVIVAL

I have been mulling over when I was going to sit down and give you this blog that has been on my mind for WEEKS, and I mean WEEKS!!! I've been trying to formulate how I was going to go about writing and making sure that I was in the right space to do it. I'm in that space so let's do it.

This entry is for the young gay male of female that has or is struggling with there identity, weight and the ever changing pace that is #LIFE! Recently my ears have been bombarded with so much music. With the likes of Drake giving us "VIEWS," Beyonce serving us "Lemonade," and the duo known as Lion Babe "Begin," giving us music to groove and feel, and seeing the continuous evolution of my Queen, Erykah Badu, who continuous to keep us aware of what's going on around us. This music has been helping me conjure up this feast that I'm about to serve up to you.

A couple of weeks back I had dinner with an ex, who is a school teacher, and we had a full discussion on the hashtag GAY. I was explaining to him how I've stayed away from using it over the last few years because I was told that the connotation of it and what it represented was over sexualized. I was explaining to him that I was trying to build a brand that wasn't based around the word "gay." Even though I myself am gay, and I'm very proud of who I am, and where I'm at, since being out for 9 years. After I finished explaining myself he looked at me boldly and said "Why do you give a fuck about what someone else thinks about a certain hashtag?" He then went on to explain to me the positive sides of using that hashtag on my other social media platforms ei, instagram (MidnightFitness). He explained to me on how I was giving into someone else's beliefs or maybe even their own insecurities, but missing out on the opportunity to reach that young gay male or female who is also struggling with their weight, mental, and identity issues, who might click on the hashtag to find inspiration. After hearing this it really struck a cord with me. For a very long time I've wanted so much to reach out to that younger crowd and let them know that someone identifies with their struggle, and is forging a path for them, so that they can see that they too can get through whatever it is that they might be struggling with.

What I've taken notice of recently is the reaching out and the out pouring of encouragement that I've received from so many people. I haven't really had time to take stock in all of my wins, both small and big. I'm now at a point in my life where I'm ready to start acknowledging that I've succeeded far more than I've failed. What this whole "Journey to 30" is culminating too, is me walking into a whole new era of my life. I feel like as I venture towards being 30, a lifestyle change is on it's way for me. I'm exiting my 20's, which for me felt more like a much needed extension of my teens years and I'm going into something new. I see peoples question in my DM's on instagram, and trying to keep up my interaction of snapchat, and even answering questions on there that people send me. I've been asking myself what do I do with all of this? For a very long time I've been afraid of speaking about what I've gone through and how I've made it through. Ever since being in this new mindset, and changing of my life here in NYC, I feel more myself, and I'm ready to talk about.

The number 1 question I'm always asked is "How did you get so into fitness?" For me this is a very HUGE question and it comes with a BIG, HUGE, answer.

The truth: I've been battling being overweight since about 7th grade, that's right at the beginning of puberty. I use to be a soprano in the choir section, and then my voice skipped alto and went straight to the tenor section. I remember my first bush of pubic hair growing in and feeling like I was "a man," and I also remember that was my first time to masturbate (YAY!), and then.... I was SMACKED with gynecomastia. While most boys my age were starting to get lean and bigger, my body was doing something totally different. My breast tissue was becoming enlarged due to the imbalance of estrogen and testosterone in my body. For me it was the most debilitating stage of my life. I was harassed and made fun of relentlessly by the other boys my age and older. My peers would grab me, and poke at me and tell me I had "big titties," they would say "Are you sure you were supposed to be a boy." Just a lot of rude and nasty things to say to me. The one that hurt the most was when a 8th grade boy on my bus suggested that he wanted to put his penis in between my breast and to not tell anyone. Shock, because I was just beginning to find my own sexual preference and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable being gay or not or even ready to accept myself fully. This would go on for year and even into high school. In high school I had to do something about it. I had surgery to get rid of it, but I still was putting on weight, I realized that from all the pressure I was putting on myself to be this person that people expected me to be was stressing me out, and the trying to be somebody I'm not. I was finding real comfort in food.

Food was my go too! For someone who has been in the struggle with my weight and coming to term with my sexuality I found so much solace in food. Even in college where my weight was still a issue for me. Food just took away any pressure that I was feeling. In college I met my first boyfriend, and I had that first gay, "I love him, blah, blah, blah!" experience. We had the dramatic break up fight, and I spent the summer dropping weight, and not totally healthy either. I was exercising, but I was spending my paychecks on supplements that I didn't need to be taking, just to get my ex to notice me, WHICH...HE DID! hahah. We got back together and of course broke up on better terms. From there I was in another relationship that last for over two years and I was still working out, but not eating right. So really from then on I was yo-yo dieting for many years up until about a year ago. Last summer I finally got really lean and fit, so that I could start my bulking phase, which I'm coming off of. I've really had to fine tune my diet and fitness plan. It's all trial and error. Moving here I got lost in trying to find my identity and wanting to fit in with the "gay" scene here. Moving to a big city and having to find myself once again, I found that fitness really was a much better stress reliever, and better way for me to take a mental break from the outside world. Giving myself and allowing myself the space to heal my wounds from everything that I feel was hurting me or not giving me the full opportunity to express myself better. I found that going to the gym, eating better, actually making myself get into a better groove of things was doing it for me.

You must..you NEED to know that there is a TRUE high that I get from going to the gym and getting a full workout. Over the past year changing my physique, has really boosted my confidence as a person. As a result I feel that my outside change is reflecting all the good that I have inside of me. Forming better relationships with people, etc.

I'm having this full on humanistic revival of myself. Rediscovering who I am. I saw this message "Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill. " Seeing this it sums up what I'm really trying to do for myself. I have this calling to help others, but I want to use #GAY platform to reach as many people as I need and not be worried about what others thinks. I'm living in my authenticity. I'm a person of color, and I'm gay, and I've struggled with my own inner negative thoughts, and I'm rebounding back SO HARD! I'm amazed by it!

I want to be a light for someone lost in the dark, and I will be. I want to build a brand that is unique to helping the LGTBQ youth and teens. I want to show all walks of live better way of getting through life, with fitness, entertainment, and positive words. My aim and intentions are clear.

MUCH LOVE AND LIGHT!!!!

-Ty (MidnightFitness)

Instagram: MidnightFitness


P.S. Find your light in the darkest sky!