I don't believe in fairytales....
But I believe I'm being my own hero and breaking my own curse that's been placed upon me.
This morning I woke up and I looked around me. I looked around my room and I realized I felt out of place. I examined my walls, looked at my clothes covered floor, and my cluttered desk drawer and said "Where Am I?" This feeling was shocking and revealing at the same time. I got up and made my protein shake, and my steel cut oatmeal and begin to plan the rest of my day. I haven't been off from either jobs in awhile, and today I decided that I needed the day to myself. I watched an episode of "The Walking Dead" which I've been trying to watch for the past couple of years. Still stuck on Season !, but now I'm on Episode 4 of the season, I'm really determined to see this, can't you tell? After I watched that I took my Pre-workout and got ready for a much needed Chest Day at the gym. Afterward I was feeling pumped and refreshed and headed to get lunch, and come home and cook and shower. Never not once returning to my bedroom, a place I don't like spending too much time in. I ate lunch, chat on the phone, and to my roommate and then I just started cleaning the kitchen, and living room, where I do most of my sleeping. As I was cleaning I decided to open to the door to my room, the place where everything from my past lives, my own attic of memories. I dawned on me that my room had become a place where I was only storing memories. It wasn't a place to sleep or just relax, It was a room full treasures, and memories, some good, some bad.
I looked around at my room, and I took a deep breath and I pulled the door to the other side, and there lying on the floor was a stuffed monkey from Build-A-Bear. I looked at it and picked it up and squeezed its hand...the voice that came from the monkey was a voice I hadn't heard in years. It was the voice that has altered my entire life. I looked at it and got angry and started crying. Everything that I was trying so hard to block flooded right back in. I looked at my wall. I saw the Playbill Case that he had made and the playbill's he had searched high and low to find. I yanked the case off the wall and just stared at it. I took the Monkey and the Case and out of my room. I threw the Monkey in the trash and put the case in the hallway closet, until I can figure out what to do with it. I looked at the my dresser and saw the earrings he gave me on our last anniversary, still in the case..I threw them in the trash. I dug through my dresser and I remembered he had written me a letter after our first anniversary, that I had hid from my parents because I wasn't out at the time. I didn't even re-read it...I threw it in the trash. As each piece was being removed from my room i felt weights inside of me just slide off. Tears in my eyes, and all.
A year a go I was walking to the subway and a psychic woman tried to give me a reading. She said that a dark cloud was placed on me by someone or some people. She wasn't too sure, but she wanted to sit with me and talk. I thought it all foolish, and I she offered to read me for free, but she thought it important to tell me. I talked myself out of going because. I've been told that I shouldn't and they only want my money, but something did feel really sincere about what she was saying, or what she was trying to tell me. Here I am at this new juncture of my life. Where I've made the choice to delete past situations out of my life, but mentally and physically unaware that I hadn't done a full true cleanse, and not just on social media, but in my day to day life.
I looked around at my room again, and saw remnants of my first NY ex's shirts. I laughed, but I tossed those too. I saw papers from old jobs in Alabama, and memories from other events. Why was I holding on to all of this stuff? Why did I think I needed it? This hoarding of things that don't have any value to my life right now. I clicked to me that this is one of the things that is holding me back. I'm surrounded by so many past things, that in my room, I'm physically walking back into my past each and every time I step foot in there. That's why I don't like to be in there. Today I confronted myself and rid myself of half of my room. I stood for a moment after, bare walls, bare floors, and it felt freeing. Not only did it feel like a brand new space, I also it felt like I was clearing my heart of everything that I didn't need to be holding on too anymore. It's time to enjoy life again! It's time to come here and do what I set out to do.
Last night at my other job, I was exhausted because I left my day job to come serve at night, which I'm doing till I get my first checks, and I'm well adjusted. Last night however I realized that change is imminent. I've been working so hard to find this place of happiness, and pulling myself together personally. I was going to hold on and keep my serving job, but that also means, that I'm holding on to my past, because I feel comfortable there. I know everyone, everyone knows me, it's easy. I also realize I'm not progressing there, and I'm not as happy as I use to be there. I love my coworkers, I love my managers, but I know I'm not supposed to be there forever. It was my first ever job here in NYC. I've tried to go to other place, but I also came back. Now I'm in a situation where my new job, is exactly where I need to be right now, to gain more ground in what I want to be doing. Time wise, art wise, fitness wise. It's hard letting go sometimes, but I see that my time there is coming to and end, and sometimes I'm so scared that I'm going miss out, but I realize and know that this is what I need to do...for myself,and for my well-being, and future.
I took the time to think about how far I've come as a person. I've gone through many things in this short time I've been living here, and I've gone through many things in life. This time I'm rebounding SO HARD and it feels SO DAMN GOOD! I've come to realize that I've got to let go, and take a chance at this new life, that I prayed so hard for. Many night, and mornings talking to God about how I need a fresh start. I want to be better, and do better. I'm so driven as a person. My confidence is coming back in full force. I don't let anyone talk to me or about me in ANY kind of way. I feel like the man who was so confident and driven when I first step foot here in this city has returned. I step outside my apartment and I feel like this city is all new to me again. I feel like those around me are starting to see that too. My connection are getting stronger and I'm physically getting stronger. Thank GOD, for my love of the gym. When there was NOBODY here for me, the one place I knew I could find solace was in the gym. I may not believe in fairytales, but I do believe I've broken my own curse. I WILL walk into my 30's slaying the fucking scene, and I will make a name for myself here in this city, and the world...one step at a time.
Trust the process.
LOVE, PEACE, and LIGHT!
-Tyree
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