Love, a word that comes and goes, but few people really know what it means to love. - Kirk Franklin
Last night I probably had the deepest discussion with a co-worker that I've had in a long while. The topic was on love. I think that right now we live in an era where we aren't being/giving/experiencing love like we should. Now you will mistake me to think I'm speaking on a romanticized love, no not at all. That's not what I'm writing about. I'm speaking of a love that's been misplaced by a people. Some say it starts with or is found when you experience when you know happiness from within, that's only a piece of the matter. Love is greater, and will always be greater than happiness. I've come to experience happiness without love, and I've known it many times without it, both good and bad. To me happiness is trendy at the moment. From what I have experienced from happiness is that it has a cost when experienced too intensely. Happiness is not suited for every situation, even love, and joy.
My mind has been churning and churning, even more since I've been sober. I see myself thinking more deeply and clearer and recognizing things that under the influence of alcohol I might not have caught before. Before I moved here to New York, I wrote everyday, from general topics, to full plays, exploring and asking the question whether or not we really understand what love entails. I hear people use the word so much, but I don't feel the weight of it when they say it. For some reason, I've always been able to feel the weight on how someone uses there words. When my parents and brother use the word LOVE I can feel the weight on which they use it. To think about how they say it now send my entire body into a un-describable joy. Because I feel that Love is REAL. I have only ever felt that same weight and usage of the word "love" by one other person and that was before I even moved to this city. It should be noted that this city has nothing to do on the effects of love, or how I see it.
I've had people use the word before to me, and sometimes I look at them funny because after they say it because I don't feel the weight that's supposed to be there with that word. I feel like Maya Angelou was right when she said when somebody really loves you, YOU will feel it, and from some people I just don't really feel the weight of the word/ or the feeling that I should be getting from hearing that word said to me. I almost feel very certain that is the universe protecting me from a false sense of love. I don't want to be trapped in a false sense of love just for the sake of being "loved."
Soul Searching is hard at times, and right now it's been doing wonders for me. People sometimes think they know me, but I would like to say that before you even try to say something about me, they should really try figuring out who I am. I am odd, I think a lot, I live in my own little world, I'm amazingly talented at seeing others for who they are and accepting it with no sort of judgements, because I have no stones to through, because I myself am not without sin. I will never be that person that is going to outwardly do malice to anyone. I am living. I truly feel that right now I am in this transition phase of my life that the universe it only setting me up for true success.
I AM CHANGING, I AM BEAUTIFUL...and I've only just started. Some people in my life will fall by wayside, Nobody really knows my past struggles, because they are in the past and that's where they will stay. I want to elevate myself in this life, and bring a long the people that have really really and I mean REALLY helped me a long the way.
Everyday that I change is sometimes so so so so so so so hard, because I'm afraid to let go of some situations, be everyday that I see the light and what's waiting for me at the end I know I'm on the right path. People just don't know the struggle that I'm going through...and nobody else can carry this but me. I see the victory and the obstacles I've already overcome. I'm in the fight...YOU will SEE ME!
I AM HERE!!!
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