The Imperfect Person Finally Appears (Starting over…coming out..coming clean.)

I don't know when I'll blog again so I'm going to word vomit this all out there…..deal with it!

2013 is coming to an end for me and there is A LOT on this guys mind. I feel like I'm being pulled in many different directions with my career and what I really would like to be doing. I'm up early and I'm jamming out to Miles Davis and this music is really doing something to my spirit right now…I've noticed that I've changed a lot since moving here to NYC..I don't feel like some Newbie or Kid with wide eyes anymore. I guess with age comes a lot more maturity and grace. Maybe a touch of jadedness too..but just a touch.

This morning my brain is rapt with contemplation of whether I should write any of this out..but I feel like it's time. I've only told one person what's been going on with me recently. I've been going to see someone about my depression…woo there it is and it's officially out in the open. Back in early October while at my apartment while my roommate where gone I almost made a rash decision and after a phone call with my parents, but something stopped me dead in my tracks and I made the decision to finally seek out help. Getting the help I needed has been the best thing recently that I could do for myself. I've put up a facade for everyone because I didn't want everyone to know what was going on in my personal life. Trust me when I say I wanted to reach out to people and tell them what was going on but it's very hard to do when even the most important people you need to tell aren't themselves available or on my end to afraid to really tell anybody. My Therapist and I have been dealing with a lot of my issues that stem from my weight/image issues and I've been able to recall things from middle school which I think surprised him..but I'm like a damn Elephant and I don't forget anything. We've also been talking about my trust issues and how I'm not really open to anybody. We've been breaking down these barriers every week along with pre-scribed medication. I don't get exactly what the medication is doing for me, but I think what's most important for me right now is to actually have someone to talk to about what's going on in my life weekly.

In the past to ignore the issues that were going on with me I'd binge eat and then that turned into working out. It wasn't until this past August that a friend of mine told me while were out that even though they were proud of the weight I'd lost that I did need to recognize that Working Out can become a addiction as well..she was right! I dropped down to 165 lbs (I'm at a healthy 180 now) but one friend also thought I had HIV because I was getting so thin. My mother broke down in tears when I sent her a picture when I was 165 and she didn't like it all and she encouraged me to go get help. I must preface that I was eating..but only at certain times of the day.

I KNOW that NOW I don't have to be there for everyone and I don't need everyones approval. If my feelings are hurt..I've started just telling people straight up and this is only the beginning of me getting better. I want to get better and I will.

I know I've lost touch with a lot of people and friends but I've been dealing with this beast the best way I can. I'm still going to drop wisdom and I've grown to have more since my issues. I don't want anyone to have to deal with what I've been through/going through/ and working through.

Here's to coming clean, and getting better!

MUCH LOVE TO Y'ALL!