Redemption

Redemption: an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed. deliverance; rescue.


It's Day 50 and I'm almost to the very end of my challenge that I've set out for myself. I decided that on this day I would give my best and most honest entry.

2015 is slowly wrapping up and it feels like life is just getting started for me. I've said the many time before in recent blogs, but it's true. I'm still focused on my main goal and I've got awhile to go. My 30th Birthday to be exact, which is a whole year away. Today I want to blog about the progression of myself and talk about the good things on this one. It's been two very long years for me on a mental level. This will probably be the first time I ever blog about this, but I have clinical depression.

Last christmas, I had hit total rock bottom. On the outside of things I was able to tell everyone that everything is
"Ok," and that I'm "Fine." I wasn't either of those things. I hadn't spoken to my family since my last visit home and I got a phone call from my Aunt saying that my brother was in the hospital. My brother was later diagnosed with cancer. When I found that out I raced home and I knew it was time to till with a demon that I wasn't ready to confront. My parents made me seek help. They really didn't want to return back here to the city alone, and not fully knowing what was going on in my life. I began going to therapy and tackling my depression. I realized that through my sessions that I had built so many walls, and wearing so many masks, to NOT deal with issues in my past. It's so easy to talk about things in passing and for people to not think anything of it, but it's another ballgame to not deal with them so you can move on. It was causing HUGE issues for me mentally and physically. Although I was staying in shape, I was still eating terribly, and drinking heavily, and abusing athletic drugs, and all of this was shocking my body. The mix of alcohol and steroids is a HUGE,HUGE..no no. I would be snappy, and also destroying my bladder, destroying my insides because the stuff I was using wasn't good for me at all. You hear stories and you don't think that stuff could happen to you, and you keep doing it, knowing that you know the effects it's having on you, but you want those results so bad.

I've said it before I've had self-image issues since I was in middle school, and someone like me who has been picked on, and I'm very emotional. I was looking for anything to give me the body that I wanted. I tried everything. In January that's when it all seemed to be getting better. I was still drinking a lot, and my friend had gone sober, and he still is. But I started to see the results of one months steady hard work with a controlled diet, and a set workout routine. I've had some amazing people help me out, and I don't want to take credit and say I'm doing this alone. It's taking a village of people to help me. At the same time, now it's really on me to take care of myself. I don't speak on it a lot, but if it wasn't for seeking help, my parents, and just overall tough people who stood by my side even when they didn't have too, today I wouldn't be writing this blog.

In life everyone is going to have bumps in the road. I had to conquer feeling abandoned by an ex, weight issues, the list goes on...but really tackling everything one issue at a time and not trying to tackle them all at the same time.

To me this is the UNDRA TYREE WALKER, that I've wanted to see, and that a few other people have wanted to see. I didn't know how I was going to break the cycle and get back to me, but it feels really good not feel like I'm in a dark place. I'm learning...

I tell people the person I'm invested in right now is ME. I've been so many things for other people that I was never sure who I was. I want to live in my own truth. Stand firm and be ME.

I'm redeeming myself. I'm atoning.

I DO want to love again when the time is right for me, I'm getting out of my head about all of the mistakes I've made.

I tell people that I've done wrong, I'm sorry. I do wish that who I am now was present back then, but to get to who I am becoming, I had to go through and do those things. No human is perfect, you don't go through life being perfect, I felt like i was seeking perfection too much, without seeing my own imperfections.

LAst night a good friend of mine had his Bachelor party and an Ex who began downfall showed up and at first I was shocked and was ready to retreat into my head, but he came over and he hugged me, and it was genuine, no apology needed to be said. We looked at each other and it was clear that it was time to let it go. After that we laughed and talked all night, it was truly wonderful. It was like the universe wanted that to happen. He doesn't know what I've been through and vice versa, nothing needed to be talked about. We had really good fun, and laughed at people. It lets me know that God has a plan for things and people. The Ex and I are not the same people who dated each other before, but it's so good to have rekindled a good friendship again. Also I don't want to live with hurt or hate in my heart...ain't nobody got time for that!

Well that's all for now!

PEACE AND LOVE!

-TYREE