Stumbling is not falling.

The end of March is upon us and April showers will soon be pouring down over NYC.

This month has been a whirlwind of many highs and very few lows for me. I've made so many new and wonderful friends this month. All types of faces and many from different places. I've been out supporting new made friends and I see that when you go out and support those people that they too will bring that support and love right back to you. A few blogs ago I discussed how I was job hunting and for a month I'd been interviewing for one place and I ended up not getting it, but at the end of this month I applied for another job and I ended up getting a very kick-ass offer. With that it seems that everything is starting to come together like it should. For awhile it seemed that I was rushing myself to get to where I wanted it to be, but what I really needed to understand that everything does take time, and there is no hurrying needed. My course. My pace.

I spent this month really beginning to fine tune my physical goals, and some mental goals too! This whole year I'm so determined to leave the past in the past, and continue to #win in everything that I put my mind too. I've started to reconnect with some people, and to talk about where it all went wrong and to just go from there. It's really been thanks to some really positive people in my life right now, who don't have to sugarcoat anything to me. I hate sugar coating. Give me the bare bones truth and facts.

Right now my #1 priority is getting back to me, and making my life experience worth while and exciting again. I've stumbled while here, but I've not fallen down. Getting to the place where I can trust again. Myself and others. Also getting to a place where I can be open about my feelings (I DO HAVE THEM) and coming to terms with everything else that's been going on in my life. I think my biggest obstacle is forgiving my past. To talk about the brewing hate that I built up in my heart for some people, baffles me. I don't even like to use the word, but the anguish, or thought of them use to burn my mental gears and then I thought to myself...this person has too much power over me if I've got this much anger for them. I would ask myself "How does this person have so much control? When did I give them this power?" I said "Ok, I've got to shake this anger off my heart, I'm too good of a person to let someone who clearly doesn't have there personal shit together to dominate my life." That person is keeping me in a place where I can't even be mentally free because they fucked me over because of something that's going on with them. I don't want to live in it and I don't want to have any part in it anymore, and to be quite frank..I don't want MY FRIENDS apart of it either, and I sure as hell don't want them to be apart of that. One of my close friends witnessed what happened to me, and after that I just don't want that type of life, or situation to happen ever again. I see the positives of all that happened. I came out on top a much better person and someone who is now more aware and not going to let someone make me think that what they do is ok, if it feels wrong to me. There's a valid reason I'm feeling that way because my feelings are so valid. Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it, and right is right even if nobody is doing it. If someone doesn't respect that then they have no business being around you or your inner circle.

It pains me because I let that effect not only my self-image and self-worth, but it also effected other people I tried to date. Hurts my heart so bad to think that what was done to me, I was just passing those same actions and thoughts on because I was beginning to think that's how it is here. It doesn't have to be that way. That ends with me. Everyone has a heart and nobody wants there heart to be broken or taken from them, or trampled upon. That was done to me, and now I'll be damned if I continue what happened to me, and pass it on to someone else. It's like a STD..the gift that keeps on giving.

IF it wasn't for my love for fitness and the arts I would totally not be in the best position right now. I'm only writing this now..because I'm a place now where it's time to talk about it, and I want to talk about it, and share it. I see the gym and the theatre as my sanctuaries from every outside force that could try to get at me in a negative light. You know, yeah, I spend a lot of time in the gym, but it's my thing, it's my hobby and if it wasn't for that...you'll never know. Piecing my life together, and making up for lost time is a day to day struggle. I took on a new lifestyle, and it's worked wonders for me...HELL I even look younger because of it. Good is coming...SO MUCH good is coming. Little by little. Everyday that I have a smile on my face when I get up..I want to share it with someone next to me. Life is and will be beautiful.

WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET THE UP!!! That's for damn sure!!!

MUCH LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU ALL!!!

I'm out!!